Scott Steiner: A Cult Tribute by "Scott Steiner"
[Warning; the following column is a parody that features language, intentionally poor grammar and spelling, intentional, repeated use of the CAPS lock and the butchering of a classic Killers song. Reader discretion is advised. I guess? I don’t know, I’m not even supposed to be here right now.]
CUT DA MUSIC! LADIES AND GENILEMAN, BOYS END GURLS, CHILDREN OF ALL SHAPES, SCISSORS AND SYCHOPANTHS, IT’S ME, BIG POPPA PUMP, SCOTT STEINER! HOLLA, IF YA HEAR MEH! FOR DOSE WHO DON’T KNOW, AH’VE BEEN A RECURRING GUEST IN THE WROTEN WORKS OF ONE FAT ASS, REDNECK WRITTTER’S WORK! FER YERS, COLT IKEN HAS TORMENTED ME, LAMBASTED MAH GOOD NAME, AND TERNED MEH INTO A RUNEN JOKE ON DA WEBSIT NOWN AS LERDS OF PAINT! BUT NOW…NOW DAT COLT IKEN HAS LEFT THOSE TRAILER PERK KENGS AND GONE HOPE SOLO, AH’VE TAKEN IT UPON MEHSELF TO GET REVEGE, AS BEST AH CEN, AND WIN OP ON CNN, SO AH CAN GIVE COLT AND TED TOMBRAIDER A PIECE OF MAH MIND! SO WIT DAT AND MIND, AND WIT COLT IKEN STRAPPED TO DIS CHAIR, FORCED TO WACH MEH FLOOSH HIS REPUTATEN DOWN DA TOILIET, DIS TRIBUTE GOES OUT TO WRECK AND ALL DEM FREAKS OUT DER! DIS IS A COLT TRIBUNAL TO MEH, BIG POPPA PUMP! HOLLA, IF YA READ IT!!!
What You Already Know
Lits keep dis simple, you oll know meh as da GENETIC FREAK, da big, bad, BOOTAY DADDAY! I've ben kicken ass, taked, TAKIN NAMES and ridin the waves for da past tree decades, cause dats da onleh wavy lays BIG POPPA, knows how! If you go lock at mah resum may, yul see I've been da World Champ, da TV Champ, the U.S. champ, the tag champ, and I've also dunn it on toppa lamp, because AM DA MAN, WITH DA BIGGEST DIPPER, IN DA HISTERICAL WEST TORN HEMISPHERE! NOW CAN YOUZ DID DAT BUTT NUTS?!
What You Didn't Know
You no, a lotta people like ta cum up to meh, and ask da big poppa, HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEN DIS GENETIC FREAK?! How can ah becum, just like you, BIG POPPA?! And ah have to tell dem, that freak like meh, jest don't grew on threes, trees. EYE SPENT YURZ TURNIN MAHSELF FREM A REDNECK, JIM HAURBALL LOVIN, MULLET HAIRED SPERM BANK, INTO DA MAN WHO MAKES ALL THEM FREAKS OUT DER SAY BOOM SHAKA LAKA, HOLLA AT DA MOAN! THIS IS WHY, I'M DA GUY, HOES SUPER FLAH, AND DUZ DA BUMPER GRIND, BETTA DAN ANYBODAH ELSE IN DA WORLD! IT PAYS DO E A MICHELLIN...MICHIGAN MAN! HOLLA, IF YA HEAR MEH!
But not onley...not onley am I da master and disaster of da squirrel circle, Am a generic freak ON DA BIG SCREEN AS WOLL! Eva here of da TV shower...show The Jersey? AH WAZ INSIDE ET, KICKEN BOOGER T'S ASS, BOGUS T'S ASS, ALL DA WAY FREM DA RANG, TO THOSE REDNECK, FATASS, GRAB ASS, PUNK ASS, PUSSY STREETS WHERE DICKIE CARTER LIVES! Better yet, Ah was also in Chermed. U no, dat show witda Boss, that freak from Beverly Hills 90WHOGIVESASHIT, and the teenblader...TEENAGER WHO PARALIZED TOM CRUISED HIT ON IN BURNED ON DA FIFTH OF JUICELY! I FOUGHT THOSE TREE WITCHES IN DA UNDERWOLRD, I FOUGHT DEM TREE WITCHES IN DA TRENCHES, AND BUY DA ENDS, DEY WERE OLL SCREAMIN MAH NAME, SCREAMIN MAH MANE, AT DA TOP OF DER LUNGS! SO YA SEE, DA GENETRIC FREAK IS A MULTI TALENT, LIKE JIMMEH FALLON, AND AM SMOOTHA DAN DJ KHALAN, CAUSE DATS HOW AH ROLLZ!
Finallah, most ofya may not no, that Am what dey coll a mathematitical genieus. Not onleh did the Universaty de Michagon make meh da greatest professional wrestler dat eva lived, it tought meh economacs, gemonotry, multiplicity and all da otha basics of math! Let me educate you; when ah furst started at Michagain, ah was measles one hundred ninety puns. Ya ad dat one nineny by forty, multiply by thirty, divad it by fifteen, subtract by twelf and you geta BIG, BAD, BOOTAY DADDAY AT TWO HUNDIE STICKS AND SEVEN T FARVE ILBS! AND IF YOU TINK AM RONG, YOU KHAN SET YER REDNECK, BREAK NECK, ASS NECK FATASS DOWN FER QUESTIONEN DA PROFESSOR! CAUSE IN DA END, I CAN ADD, I CAN SUBTRACT, AND AM SO FOLL OF TACT, AND YOU CAN TAKE DAT STATEMENT AND WIPE EDDIE FURLONE'S ASS WIT IT!
THIS WOOD BE DA PART WERE COLT IKEN WOOD SEIGH HE LIKES TA BRAKE NU GRERND! AND THOSE WHO NO MEH NO, THAT I LUV, TO TOP MEHSELF EVEREH TIME AH WALK OUT TO DA GRAND STAGE. DUS, DA BEST MOMENT OF MAH CAREER IS TODAH, WHEN AH SERENADE ALL THEM FREAKS OUT THERE WITH A LITTLE SONG! SO MONKEY'S, PLAY MAH JAM! PLEY MEH JERRRM!!!!!!
CUMIN OUTTA MAH CAGE, END AH'VE BEEN DUNG JOUST FINE, GOTTA GOTTA BEH DERN, GOTTA BE DERN, CUZ I WENT IN OLL! STAR TED OUT WITTA KISS, HOW DAD ET END UP LACK DIS, TWAS ONLEH A KISS, TWITTAS ONLEH EH KESS! NOW AM FALLEN ASLEPT, AND SHE'S COLON A CUB, WHILE HEH'S HAVEN'T A SMOCK, AND SHEIK'S TOKEN A DRUG, NOW DER GOTEN A BED, AN MAH STOMUCH IS SECK< AND ET'S OLL IN MAH HEAD, BOT SHE'S TUCKEN HIS CHUST NER, HE TOOKS OFF HUR DRESS NER, LET MEH GO, LIT MY GOAL! CAUSE AH JUSTICE LOCKED, ET'S KILLEN MEH, AND TAKEN CONTROLLER! TAKEN CONTROLLER! JELO C, TWERKEN SHITS INTO DA SEED, TWERKEN THREW SECK LULLABEES, CHOCKING ON YER ALPHABIES, BUT ETS JUST DA PRIEST AH PAY, DESTINEH IS COLLING MEH, OPEN UP MEH EAGEH OIS! CAUSE OIM MISTA BRICKSHITE! MISTA BRICKSHITE!
[The following lyrics were deleted for the mental safety of everyone reading this column. Full lyrics will be available in the director's cut.]
AS U CAN SEH LADIES AND SENILES, DA BIG BAD, BOOTAH DADDAY CAN DUH NO WRENG! ALL MAH LIFE, AH USED TA HERE DA GREAT OLD GEISERS LACK RIC FLOOR, DUSTAH ROADS AND OLL DOSE OTHA RED NECK, SOUTHERN FIECES OF SCUD, TALK ABOUT HOW DEY LIVED DA LIFE OF KINGS! BUTCHA YA NO SOMETHEN; DOSE BASTARDS DIDENT HAVE WHATET TOOKED TO TURN DEM FREAKS OVER ON A FORTEH FARVE DEGRE ANGLE, TO CREAT EN EQUINOX, SO DEY COULD SEE DAH BIG DIPPAH! YOU NO WHAH?! CAUSE AM DA BIG DIPPAH! ME! YOU TAKE DAT, ADD IT TO MAH WORLD TITLES, MULTIPLAH ET BAH MAY ROMPS IN DA SACK AND SUBTRACT ET BAH DA NUMBA OF TIMES COLT IKEN’S SCORED, AND U’LL SEE DAT AM DA BEST IN DA WORLD! BEAST IN DA WOOD! SO THIS GOSER’S TO ALL MAH FREKS WHO CAME TO READ COLT IKEN; KESS MAH ASS! SCREW DOUBLE U E, SCREW DICKIE CARSON AND TNA, SCREW LUCA UNDERGUARD, SCREW RICK OF HORROR, AND SCREW ALL OF YA! AM DA MAN! AM DA…
[Following the grand finale of this column, Scott Steiner was immediately found by authorities and locked up in a secure location, where the only people who he can cause harm to are himself, his brother Rick, and Chucky doll that was left over from their infamous storyline in 1998 WCW. Cult Icon was found unharmed at the scene, and will now continue to resume entertaining you with his writing starting tomorrow. Apologies to all who had their feelings hurt, and to those affected by the caps lock breaking midway through. Except you Furlong. You'll get no symphy here.]