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The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of All Time! 50-41
You hear that wrestling fans? That's the sound of Summerslam sputtering...I mean, rumbling right towards us! Yes, the 2nd biggest show of the year for WWE is upon us, and while most people seem to be looking at the card like an insect that should be squashed quickly...there's always hope right? No seriously, hopefully for the sake of all WWE fans it's a good show, and a bit more like Wrestlemania than said Wrestlemania build. And while I have moved on from the pastures of present day Vince McMahon, I do have a lot of knowledge of the past stuck in this bonkers brain of mine. So I'm going to do a Summerslam series this week. No, it's not going to be a best of Summerslam thing, as frankly, everyone has done one of those by now and there as interesting as Roman Reigns auditioning to play Prince in a movie. So what will it be? Why, the 50 worst matches in Summerslam history of course! What can I say; I'm just a nerdy cynic at heart. And, with the help of wrestling expert/centimeter expert/buddy of mine Pen, I've found fifty matches from Summerslam that range from the meh to bad to suck to really suck to GOOD LORD, TURN THAT SHIT OFF! Tonight, we'll start with the meh (50-41) and go from there in the next few days. Sound good? Sounds good! Let's get this party started dudes. ON WITH THE SHOW!
The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! (50-41: The Meh Section)
50. Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar (Summerslam 2012)
Somewhere, out there, beneath the pale moonlight, a young chap named Mazza has seen this #50 entry, forced himself to stop playing WWE Super Card in order to silently rage about it and then proceeded to an Arsenal message board to rant about the managerial skills (or lack thereof) of Arsene Wenger. How he got from this match to that I don't know, but it's happened, trust me.
Now I know what you're thinking; surely this match, the first of three groan inducing battles between the Beast and the Game, isn't that bad. And in the grand scheme of things, there are far worse matches in the history of time than this one right here. That said, my freaking word is this bout dull, formulaic, dull, uninspiring, and did I mention dull? Some people just don't have the chemistry together, and Triple H and Brock Lesnar fit that mold better than even Cena and Orton do. Don't believe me, try not to fall asleep during this nearly 30 minute spectacle of sludge. Again, it's not incredibly terrible, but it's enough to crack this list. Which by the way, gives Triple H more appearances on this countdown than CM Punk. Your move Mazza!
49. The Mega Powers vs. The Mega Bucks (Summerslam 1988)
Two main events in a row to start this off! Sad thing is, you're probably not going to see as many people come here and defend Hogan than you did when he auditioned for the lead role in the Birth of the Nation remake. Like our previous match, there's worst matches than this one, but that doesn't mean it doesn't belong here. Aside from every time the "Macho Man" is in the ring, the action is average at best, Andre the Giant (bless his heart) is downright awful (his best spot is when he beats up Hulk Hogan with his ass. With. His. Ass.) and the most famous sequence of the match (the Miss Elizabeth takes off her skirt climax) is the most disjointed thing since 20th Century Fox's cut of Fantastic Four. If not for Savage and the hot crowd, this could easily be lower. All the more reason Macho is in the GOAT discussion.
48. John Cena vs. Batista (Summerslam 2008)
Chalk this up as another match that's not terrible, but is bad enough to make it here. Here's the problem with Batista-Cena I, aside from the fact that the combo always worked better building up to the matches than the matches themselves (I'm not a huge fan of their Mania match either). This match here feels like a twenty minute match; it's in fact barely a ten minute match! Talk about a dragging feel there. That, coupled with some of terrible submission wrestling helps land this match here, despite Batista breaking Cena's neck. Seriously, he did break his neck, which is hysterical considering both guys were so safe in this match that they combined for the worst figure four leg lock, STF and sleeper hold in the history of the western hemisphere. The Miz can't believe how bad it was.
47. Undertaker vs. Test (Summerslam 2002)
Our first of many matches featuring the Undertaker to make this list, and the first of four from the American Bad Ass era (the number of Summerslam's Taker wrestled as the American Bad Ass as; four. Come at me Taker marks!). This was a bout that really, REALLY could've used a no DQ stipulation of sorts. When you have a literal bad ass like Taker looking to dish out so comeuppance on the evil, anti-American heel in Test, it makes sense for Taker to just pummel the dude with everything he could get his hands on. Instead, these two were forced to work a straight singles match, and as a result it's a straight bore. At the very least though, both men do the best they could, and this match is nowhere nearly as bad as the other three matches from the American Bad Ass era. Then again, most stuff from the American Bad Ass era that didn't involve Jeff Hardy, a ladder or Brock Lesnar was pretty terrible. Somewhere, thousands of fans wearing Mean Mark Callous t-shirts are crying out in anger.
46. Triple H vs. The Great Khali (Summerslam 2008)
Yes, believe it or not, this is a match that actually happened. Triple H vs. The Great Khali, a match that's pretty much the equivalent of Arsenal taking on Exeter City. One side is one of the greatest entities in their business, even if Mazza is the only person that likes them. The other is a squad that cannot sign Freddy Adu to a contract in the FIFA video games. As you'd expect from that comparison, this match pretty much a whole lot of meh. That said, it could be so much worse. Thanks to a game (pun FULLY intended) Triple H performance and some great commentary by Taz and Jim Ross (it actually elevates the match. Remember when commentary in WWE used to do that?),the match is merely only "ugh" then "TAKE IT AWAY!". It's not enough to take this match off the list or make it faster than that scene from Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but hey, you take what you can.
45. Dusty Rhodes vs. Randy Savage (Summerslam 1990)
Most memorable for Dusty Rhodes' beloved Sapphire selling out (or buying in, if you live by the Seth Rollins code of life) and joining Ted Dibiase, and for Savage cutting one of his most underrated "what the fuck did he just say" promos of his career. Seriously, when you're done reading this, go and find it. This promo is right up there in the Macho Man promo Hall of Fame, even if it's no CREAM OF DA CROP!
Unfortunately, the match itself doesn't live up to either of those moments before it. Maybe it's just me, but when you have Dusty Rhodes and Randy Savage together in the ring, you should probably give them some time to work with. A crazy idea, I know! Instead of WWE doing that though, they had these two wrestle for only two minutes, which saw a lot of unorganized action and Dusty looking more lost than me trying to find the remote control. So unfortunate, as given time, these two could've had a pretty good contest (even with Dusty past his prime). Instead, you get this. Well, and that Savage promo, which I'm pretty sure brought up salamanders. Because Randy Savage!
44. Smoking Guns vs. The Bodydonnas vs. The Godwinns vs. The New Rockers (Summerslam 1996)
What happens when you have a four way tag team match where only three of the eight wrestlers are solid workers and only two get to wrestle? This disappointing bout. I'm not sure honestly what shocked me the most; that the WWE paraded the Godwinns around for so long despite them being a travesty to humankind, that Al Snow was once named Leif Cassidy or that WWE for some bizarre reason thought it was a good idea for Skip of the Bodydonnas (aka, Chris Candido) to NEVER ENTER THE MATCH! The best wrestler in the entire bout, and you never let him in?! That, coupled with the Godwinns and the Smoking Gunns going the distance is a deal breaker. I don't care if Sunny in her peak was out there. Well, that's not true, but it's not enough dammit!
43. Jake Roberts vs. Bad News Brown (Summerslam 1990)
Another example of two workers you think would mesh well together that just don't. Seriously, wouldn't you think Jake "The Snake" and the all time underrated Bad News Brown would have a barn burner? The problem here is twofold. One, the buildup involved Brown being afraid of snakes and trying to counter with, wait for it, sewer rats. That's right, Bad News Brown brought rats to a snake fight, which is about as intelligent watching Pearl Harbor while listening to Randy Savage's rap CD. Two, the Big Boss Man was special guest referee for this match. What does he add? Not a whole lot. I love Boss Man (really underrated in the Attitude Era), but aside from ending the match early (for an offense Brown had already committed earlier that Boss Man allowed), all he pretty much does is act like a more annoying version of the Back to the Future principal. I kept waiting for him to pull Bad News Brown aside and call him a slacker. Take him away, and I think you have a solid match, even with the stupid rat/snake storyline. With Boss Man, it's humdrum.
42. Christian vs. William Regal (Summerslam 2009)
If there's one thing I really, REALLY dislike in wrestling, it's matches that end in a matter of seconds. When used correctly, I think it could be an effective practice, as wrestlers should be able to win at any point in time. Aside from when Rock defeated Big Boss Man at the Survivor Series in 1998 however (a moment that made perfect sense from every angle), quick finishes mostly don't make any sense. Case in point, Christian vs. Regal here. Of all the matches to do so quickly, WWE chose this? These two could've had an excellent ten minute match; instead, William Regal (a distinguished veteran no less) stupidly turns his back and gets pinned in a matter of seconds. It's asinine to say the least, and I'm being kind there. The only enjoyable part of it is Big Ryck (under his fake name, Ezekiel Jackson at the time) and Vladimir Kozlov hitting Christian with their finishing moves after the match, and me realizing they're pretty much the exact same thing. They couldn't have come up with something different than a Rock Bottom/Spinebuster combo for those two?! Ugh. Let's go to a live shot of the internet reacting to this match's length.
41. Bray Wyatt vs. Kane (Summerslam 2013)
Not since the time of Erik Watts has there been a wrestling debut that has come up flatter than Bray Wyatt's in ring beginning did. In fact, dare I say this is the first truly, 100% bad match on this list? Billed as a "Ring of Fire" match (where fire surrounded the ring, like an inferno match), the stipulation really only served to confine Kane and Bray in the ring for several minutes of boring in ring action and keep Wyatt Family members Luke Harper and Erick Rowan out of the ring (which of course didn't work, because when does it ever?). Oh, and the stipulation also helped introduce the highly comedic moment of flames bursting out from ringside every time someone hit a slam, no matter how poorly executed the move may have been. Outstanding comedy! Overall, just not a good showing for Wyatt in his debut, and honestly might've been the thing that led to him floating in and out of RAW for the next few months. Hey, that's what happens when you're dominated in a debut match that you only win due to interference. Thank goodness WWE didn't continue that with Bray...
That'll do it dudes and dudettes. I'm out till tomorrow with the next part of this glorious list! Till next time, accept John Oliver as your voice of the voiceless. It's cool and British that way.
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