The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! 40-31
It's time! It's time! It's the worst matches in Summerslam history, #40-31 edition time! And no, for those wondering, Vader won't be on the list. You can thank Shawn Michaels for that I suppose. For those who missed it, entries 50-41 of this series focused on matches that might've been more eh than bad, before finally transitioning into the bad part towards the end. Well, it's only getting worse today, as the matches discussed below will be dull, boring and just plain bad. Like, Steve Bartman just cost the Cubs a trip to the World Series bad. No, I'm not getting over that any time soon. Come at me bro. But enough about things that make me miserable (the Cubs, Matt Mortensen, relegated QPR and the lack of Lucha Underground in my life), it's time to break down matches so awful they'll leave me in a comatose state in the next few days. ON WITH THE SHOW!
The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! (40-31: The Bad, the Boring and the Dull Section)
40. Eugene vs. Kurt Angle (Summerslam 2005)
Let's be real about Eugene here folks; the guy behind the gimmick (one Nick Dinsmore) is/was actually a pretty talented dude. I wouldn't call him CM Punk in his prime or whatever, but he could go, and the fact that he was able to make Eugene as good a character as he did is a testament to his talent. This match isn't one of his shining moments, and against one of the best wrestlers ever in Kurt Angle no less. While Angle came to play here, Eugene is as sloppy as one can get, hitting famous moves like the Rock Bottom, People's Elbow and Stunner as well as my brother (the biggest non wrestling fan in the western hemisphere) does. His performance actually is so poor that it only helped Angle get more over, despite him being a heel. What more can I say? No seriously, what more can I say; this match was so dull that I've got nothing. Triple H couldn't have made an appearance here so I could go to the Mazza well again?
39. Edge and Sable vs. Marc Mero and Jacqueline (Summerslam 1998)
This is a tale of two matches. When Edge (then a rookie at the time) and the Artist Formerly Known as Johnny B. Badd are in the ring, the action ranges from average to pretty good (it's easy to see how the Rated R Superstar became the star he did). When Sable and Jacqueline are in the ring though, it's like watching Tara Reid trying to recite Hamlet. Mother of puss bucket was Sable a terrible wrestler. I know I'm risking life and limb here by criticizing the wife of Brock Lesnar, but she's awful in this match when she isn't doing double team moves with Edge. Seriously, it's bad; like Chelsea during the first two games of the EPL season bad. I'm thrilled that the woman was able to have a successful career overall and you can clearly see she's over in this match (there's thankfully a lack of fapping in MSG during this bout though). But watching her sluggishly drag this match into the dirt is proof that us wrestling fans are much better off with the current crop of women (in Lucha Underground and WWE) stepping between the ropes.
38. Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake vs. Randy Savage and Zeus (Summerslam 1989)
Remember the "not nearly as good as you remember it unless you've been brainwashed" Mega Powers-Mega Bucks match from the first part of this series? Well, switch Savage to the heel team, replace Ted Dibiase with Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, Andre with Zeus (actor Tony Lister, aka the same guy who threw the detonator for a bomb off a boat at the end of The Dark Knight) and you've got a worse version of it. Seriously, I couldn't have been more bored with this match. Savage and Beefcake do solid work together, but Hogan is in complete coast mode, and while Lister may be 100 times better than I expected, he's still nowhere close to being in Hogan's league in regards to wrestling ability. Add some unbelievably annoying commentary from cult hero Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura (who you'll be dying to strangle before they do so to each other) and this match is a colossal waste of time. At least the crowd seemed to have a good time though.
37. Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. Batista (Summerslam 2004)
Yet another match chalked up to the colossal bore column. A bit surprising even considering how limited Batista was at the time, as Jericho and Edge were more than capable of putting on a show. The problem; there's just no oomph here, combined with the fact that whoever booked the match gave these guys no time to tell a story. So while there's nothing offensive about this match from a botch standpoint, there's just nothing exciting, unless you count Toronto turning on the hometown Edge because WWE had made him as interesting as a Coldplay album. That's not easy to do; just ask John Cena about it.
36. Kane vs. Matt Hardy (Summerslam 2004)
I like Matt Hardy. That's right, I said it. While people may now look at him the same way Ruth DeWitt Bukater looked at Jack Dawson, I've always enjoyed the man's work, whether it be as a member of the Hardy Boyz, ECW Champion or Matt Hardy: Version One (a gimmick that people conveniently seem to forget when discussing his legacy). Is he perhaps a crybaby who aired personal laundry on the internet for no good reason and someone who nuked his own career due to numerous issues? Sure. But that shouldn't take away from the fact that he was an entertaining wrestler once upon a time. In short; LEAVE MATT ALONE!
Having said all of that, this match with Kane blows. For one, the stipulation for this match (the winner getting to marry Lita) was stupid. Like, almost as stupid as Kane impregnating Lita, which is actually what caused this entire storyline to happen. And secondly, the booking for this match is curious as hell. As unbelievably dumb as this storyline was, you'd think the stakes for this bout would be big enough to give these two time to work. Instead, Matt and Kane barely get six minutes, and thus generate little to no heat (outside of an admittedly awesome chokeslam by Kane to end the match) while rushing through some sloppy action. Overall, not a good look for either guy. Hey, at least the storyline eventually led to an awful miscarriage angle that somehow turned Kane face and was totally, absolutely NOT Gene Skitzky's fault. Who wrote this shit again?
35. Jerry Lawler vs. Tazz (Summerslam 2000)
The moment Tazz walked out to the ring acting like a blind man was the moment I knew this match was going to fill me with the same feeling I get watching Batman and Robin. Sure enough, that's exactly what this dull match did. I feel bad for both guys here though; both guys in their peak were underrated in the ring, a fact largely lost now that they're both two of the worst announcers in modern day wrestling (Lawler in particular is so bad, he makes one long for Roman Reigns reading nursery rhymes). But even though this match features them trying their damndest and a decent lead in angle involving Tazz injuring Jim Ross (who has the best moment by bashing a candy jar over Tazz's face), there's just little heat here. Blame that on Lawler unfortunately being past his prime and not being able to keep up with the younger Tazz. Unbelievably, this is only the first match from the Summerslam 2000 card to make the list. Like Cheaper By the Dozen sequels though, it unfortunately won't be the last.
34. Undertaker vs. A-Train (Summerslam 2003)
Biker Taker returns to the list with yet another droning, dull contest that features more hair than the no pants party in Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. The sad thing is this match probably could've been pretty good a few years later, after Taker was allowed to actually wrestle again and A-Train (also known as Albert and Lord Tensai) learned how to become a great big man wrestler over in Japan. Alas, we'll never know. At least we got to see face Stephanie McMahon (yes, just like dry land, it's not a myth) have a cat fight with Sable, fulfilling the fantasy of Brock Lesnar and every single male between 13 and 50 at the time. Of course, if that's the best thing about your match, you've a) failed and b) caused a lot of laundry to be done.
33. Undertaker vs. Kama (Summerslam 1995)
Two Taker matches in a row? Two Taker matches in a row. Look, I can sense the Taker marks reading this now are probably grumbling over this. I get it. But if it seems like I'm picking on Taker...it's because I'm picking on Taker. Hey, it's not my fault the poor bastard was booked against some of the worst workers in the history of time. Granted, it may not be his, but it's my column, and I'll do what I want. Send your hate mail to the appropriate places!
In all seriousness, I can't blame Taker for this match, even though it's pretty terrible. The man is trying very hard, to the point where he actually seems to be killing himself in order to make Kama's offense look good. But even the Deadman isn't a miracle worker, and I doubt anyone could pull a good match out of the future Godfather here. Yes he may have given us beautiful women, but I seriously can't remember a sloppier worker than this dude. Every move Kama does looks like it's about to fail spectacularly, his movement is some of the slowest I've ever seen and he seems to know as much about wrestling as I do about real estate. It's bad; like really bad. And thus, so is this match, no matter how many times Taker flung himself into the turnbuckles like he'd just been hit with the force of ten thousand nuclear weapons.
32. DX vs. The McMahons (Summerslam 2006)
This might be the funniest failure we've had in the serious yet. You don't know how long I've been waiting people! To put it bluntly, this bout is pretty much one big DX jack off here. Seriously, it's ridiculous how far WWE goes to make Triple H and Shawn Michaels look good. Big Show, future Grease performer Mr. Kennedy, William Regal, "Don't call me Fit" Finlay and Umaga (rest in power you beautiful bastard) all attacked DX before the McMahons even come to the ring in order to give them the advantage, only for DX to miraculously rally despite being beaten to a pulp. I get the McMahons are non wrestlers, but come on; it's not like they were Snookie and Seth Green. That they couldn't even come close to beating DX despite all the overbooked, cluterfucky madness is a testament to how much WWE was riding the DX train at the time. The best part of all this though; Shane going for the Van Terminator, followed by Shawn Michaels attempting a Sweet Chin Music while Shane's mid air. Like this match, HBK missed by a mile.
31. The Oddities vs. Kaientai (Summerslam 1998)
Ladies and gentlemen, I've witnessed the cinematic catastrophe known as The Spirit, I've heard the relentless annoyance known as St. Anger, hell I've even seen a grown man satisfy a camel (one of those three isn't true). But none of those things were as annoying as this match here. If there's one thing I hate more than anything, it's comedy done badly. This was comedy not only done badly, but excruciatingly badly. While I certainly understand WWE trying to piggyback off the Insane Clown Posse's brief time in the spotlight, they couldn't have found a worse way than The Oddities. To put it simply; when Golga (John Tenta in a mask and South Park t-shirt) is the best worker of your group, you know you've failed. Leave it to WCW to be the company that actually knew how to use the ICP the best. Then again, you could put Pen and myself next to Raven and Vampiro and we'd look cool (also, Vamp and Pen would have a knock down drag down, but that's a whole other story man).
To the shock of no one, the Oddities lack of in ring ability is what dooms this match here. I give full marks to Kaientai for the effort; all for dudes do a great job of selling for the Oddities, and they even have a few entertaining, crisp offensive moments. Unfortunately, that only lasts for five minutes, and the rest of the match involves some terrible dancing, the occasional Golga offensive flurry, Kurrigan doing his best Great Khali impression and Giant Silva doing the greatest Khali impression I've ever seen. I think I've seen statues move faster than those two did. Just an overall terrible time to watch a match, which pretty much indicates we're heading towards the really bad stuff. In the words of Bray Wyatt that you can actually understand, run.
That'll do it! Back tomorrow with 30-21, provided I don't lose my ever loving mind first. Till then, here's something for all my Star Trek readers.
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