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Surfing the White River: Saturday Night Colts Party

Updated on November 24, 2011
Curtis P baked, ready to surf
Curtis P baked, ready to surf
McAfee pondering barbecue
McAfee pondering barbecue
In the trunk of my Yaris for hours: KCollins
In the trunk of my Yaris for hours: KCollins

This fall, it’s become a ritual for Kerry Collins, Pat McAfee, and Curtis Painter to come over to my place and get trashed every Saturday night. As best as I can piece it together, this is how last Saturday night/ Sunday morning unfurled.

* * *

“I wonder what Andrew Luck is like, you know, as a person,” Curtis Painter is saying between deep tokes of weed. We were watching Oregon thrash Stanford on TV. Painter coughs hard, shakes some lanky strands of greasy blond hair out of his face and stares vacantly at the wall. He had on muddy work books and a Phish concert shirt.

“If he’s a prick, not cool. Those Stanford guys never let you forget how smart they are, man.”

Meanwhile Pat McAfee was wasted; shades on, Jagermeister bottle dangling from left hand. He wore a navy blue and gold t-shirt that read, “I GOT NAKED WITH MY COUSIN IN WEST VIRGINIA” across the front and had a picture of his mug shot on the back. He was wearing a white long-johns underneath it and a Jamaican wool hat.

Kerry Collins sat in the corner on the floor, badly concussed from a hit he took six weeks ago versus Pittsburgh. Painter had just put a floral shirt on him and said, “Look, ‘Weekend at Bernie’s, Part 3.’” Collins wasn’t saying shit, though.

“I’m so wasted!” McAfee said, laughing and banging a Converse All-Star against his skull repeatedly. “Let’s go get some barbecue in Mooresville.”

* * *

These three guys like to hang out in my Section 8, government subsidized apartment in Beech Grove for some reason. We watch my 19-inch flat screen and ignore my broken patio door. Sometimes Collins stays over for days and I forget he’s there until I find him in the closet or behind the couch

McAfee: “One time in Morgantown, I climbed a radio tower at three in the morning and get this – I wasn’t even high!” Everybody laughed except Collins.

Painter: [Now lighting a meth pipe] “I wonder why my throws are so off lately. Reggie Wayne’ll be open and I’ll miss him by a good ten yards.” Collins uttered the first words he’d spoken in like five weeks. In a raspy whisper he said, “You suck, Painter.”

* * *

There were about three hours there were things get pretty hazy. Painter said he'd like to gamble on dog fighting like Michael Vick did. McAfee told him that was a bad idea. Painter sobbed uncontrollably until McAfee assured him he was “a valuable human being.” We drank lots of Jager. Then we carried Collins out to my Toyota Yaris and put him in the trunk. Painter sprawled out on the backseat and McAfee drove to find barbecue and a radio tower. We found neither but eventually wound up at the banks of the White River. It smelled foul. Several fish floated by on their sides.

“I’ll bet we could surf it,” McAfee said. Painter agreed. We got Collins out of the trunk and then put him back in. We drove back to the house McAfee shared with five college students in Broad Ripple, got some surfboards from his kitchen, and headed back toward the White River. Only we couldn’t remember how we found it the first time. McAfee saw a radio tower but nobody wanted to climb it anymore. We got some tacos.

* * *

When I woke up Sunday morning, McAfee was passed out in his rec room on the air hockey table. It was blowing cool air on him. Painter had crashed on the couch, using the drapes as a blanket. I couldn’t find Collins anywhere. (In my hungover state, it didn’t occur to me until later he was probably still in the trunk of my Yaris.) The Colts game against Jacksonville kicked off in an hour and forty-seven minutes.

One of McAfee’s roomie’s came to and made some killer omelettes. I threw together some strong Bloody Mary’s and got Painter and McAfee to down them in my car while I drove fast toward downtown. I got them to The Luke twelve minutes before kickoff. They weren’t in good shape. We got Collins out of the truck almost as an afterthought and an equipment manager pointed him toward the field.

* * *

The game was ugly. Painter threw only two completions but had seven interceptions. McAfee punted twelve times for an average of 26.8 yards per. He had one punt blocked and another ran back to the house. We were down 68-3 at halftime.

At half, I took McAfee a cigarette and an $8 stadium beer. He looked green.

“After this game, while it’s still light, we gotta surf the White River, man. It’s all Painter keeps talking about in the huddle. Pierre Garcon wants in on it too.”

Next week: Coach Caldwell gets a Prince Valiant.


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    • profile image

      Juan 4 years ago

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    • profile image

      Mester 4 years ago

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    • Laura McKinney profile image

      Laura McKinney 6 years ago

      Funny story and great imagery although I have absolutely no knowledge of football so I missed out on some humor I'm sure.

    • keithmitchell5 profile image

      keithmitchell5 6 years ago from Indianapolis

      RP: Jeff George has a sweet mullet but Kerry Collins doesn't like him. Thanks for reading.

    • profile image

      Richard Petty 6 years ago

      Very Funny. If Jeff George is still in the area, you should invite him to tag along next time.

    • keithmitchell5 profile image

      keithmitchell5 6 years ago from Indianapolis

      Thanks, AZ. Jim Irsay just tweeted....he's in for next Sat nt.

    • profile image

      AZ 6 years ago

      Love it!!!! You know who might love it even more - Jim Irsay....That's golden....and I'm starting to think you know Pat McAfee more than he knows himself....climbing water towers. You guys are the four best friends that anyone could have.

    • profile image

      andrejersey 6 years ago

    • keithmitchell5 profile image

      keithmitchell5 6 years ago from Indianapolis

      CamCam & CT: Thanks a lot, fellas. Had fun writing it. We - Pat Mc, Painter, Coma Collins and me - have become pretty close. Chris, it's great hearing from you. Glad you liked it. Mitchell

    • profile image

      chris thomas 6 years ago

      Absolutely hilarious! Thanks to Jerm for sending it to me. I hope all is well.

    • profile image

      CamCam 6 years ago

      Dude, I nearly shit myself laughing @ this!

    • keithmitchell5 profile image

      keithmitchell5 6 years ago from Indianapolis

      Cebu: Thanks for reading and commenting, Holmes.....I appreciate that very much. Collins is like 6'5"...stuffing his ass in my trunk took everything McAfee, Painter, and I had.

      Cheers, KM...

    • cebutouristspot profile image

      cebutouristspot 6 years ago from Cebu

      Nice story! I dont know if this is true or fiction but this is great and very funny.

      Cheers ...

    • keithmitchell5 profile image

      keithmitchell5 6 years ago from Indianapolis

      Thanks, man! I'm glad it made you laugh.

    • profile image

      Jeromac 6 years ago

      I haven't laughed that hard in weeks, probably because I could really see all of that happening!!


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