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THE BEST COACH IN NFL HISTORY IS ACTIVE AND WELL -- History of the Superbowl -- Conclusion
What happened a week ago in the Superbowl was the Eighth Wonder Of The World.
Sean Payton's older sister used to hate my ass.
She's a teacher at the last school I worked with.
She works with Down's Syndrome kids.
But she's cool.
I was a shitty aide.
I used to come in the gym all late, gym being the first class of the day.
Maaaan I would have a bottle of pop and she would warn me over and over again not to bring it in the gym.
Then I'd do it anyway. Clearly I would have been a shitty New Orleans Saint.
She had this little Down's Syndrome kid who was from the area.
We worked in a F*CKED UP AREA.
The kid had been taught it was cool to be stupid, which is about the worst thing you can teach a kid that I'm working my ass off to teach you fucking wanna-be gangster F*CKS.
So I would always be like alright...I'll bring the pop in, but I'll put it high on a shelf behind a cabinet and behind pencils.
We would have to SCOOP THAT SONUMABITCH OUT OF THE CABINET.
He'd hand me an empty bottle.
And burp in my face.
"Jonathon," I'd say. "Did you drink my pop?"
"Yeah, so?" he'd say.
F*ck that little brat.
Later on I brought a pop into the auditorium during an assembly.
Mrs. Payton straight up bitched me out from the other end of the auditorium.
So I bitched back, pointing with big crossed psycho eyes that the fine teacher in the aisle is holding a can of seltzer water.
Ms. Payton apologized.
That's right, niggas. I was in such a shitty mood from having to work, that I risked my job to stand up to the sister...of the greatest coach in NFL history.
This took place during the first four weeks of the 2006 season. Her brother was a brand new head coach for the New Orleans Saints.
Yeah...Katrina New Orleans.
He took over a team that didn't even have its' home games at home.
One that was 3-13.
Mr. Payton was the quarterbacks coach who made Ty Detmer competitive enough to compete with an injured Randall Cunningham.
Then he went and became offensive coordinator of Jim Fassell's Giants when he said that all bets were on, stakes were raised, anyone want out, get out now. (He took Kerry Collins and Hilliard and Toomer to the Superbowl)
Then he went to Dallas and helped Bill Parcells teach the quarterbacks. Drew Bledsoe, Tony Romo, and whoever the hell else all got 3,000 yard seasons.
And then he came to New Orleans.
He cut or traded that whole group but 8 guys.
He drafted Reggie Bush, Drew Colston, and signed Drew Brees to fat contract to which Drew was like "no FOOLING?!!!! THANKS!!!"
Jonathon Vilma of Miami Hurricanes lore and NY Jets lore was with Will Smith and Darren Sharper from the Packerettes.
Joey Porter would soon become a star.
You've probably noticed I left out something from 2008. That was quite a short ass hub.
The Detroit Lions, marred by similar civic political circumstances of the city of New Orleans prior to Katrina, would go 0-16.
They had a quarterback who didn't even know he was in the back of the endzone until the referee whistled for a twenty-sixth time...but he was still an okay quarterback.
The Lions surprisingly were hard to make fun of aside the record.
Most of those games were very close. Daunte Culpepper was there and everything.
But perhaps this demonstrates how good a coach Sean Payton is. Detroit had the draft, same as New Orleans.
Same...as the New York Jets.
The Jets would get Shonn Greene my MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!
The Jets would get Alex Sanchez too who I didn't even think would be able to play.
Sanchez was involved in a sexual assault when he was at USC.
They did everything they could to keep him from getting in trouble.
The fucking girl...left the campus never to be seen again! I shudder to think about what the Trojan machine looks like.
Girls don't get much sympathy with these institutions. Gary Barnett, who took Northwestern to a Rose Bowl, responded to the same kind of allegations, from the placekicker on their squad team who was a female.
She said several of the Colorado players fucked with her.
Mr. Northwestern came back with -- oh please, you gonna listen to her? She played like a f*ckin' girl!
And so here we are with someone the NFL and USC really wanted to keep in uniform.
But we got him, and he turned out to be pretty special.
They go to the playoffs and win two pretty impressive games to the get to the AFC title, the second one was in San Diego.
SHONN GREENE RAN THAT BACK DID YOU SEE THAT!!! AHHHH!!!
Meanwhile Brett Favre wanted to do what Kurt Warner did.
You always entertain what the harshest critics say.
Plus Mr. Favre had Adrian Petersen...who all NFC Central people know is God.
Peterson on any given day will turn a 52-0 game around just by getting pissed.
367 yards, what the FUNK?!
Oh yeah, we'll tell you. That's Petersen.
Back flipping through the goal post? Sure.
Jets f*cked it up versus the Colts. They led 17-6, and lost 30-17.
Yet the Saints would draw Minnesota and it looked like they were going to get beat.
Minnesota was deep in Saints territory in the final minute.
33 yard line. The place was silent. Scared.
But then there's a holding penalty.
They're sent back, out of field goal range.
Then Favre...is INTERCEPTED BY JOEY PORTER!!!!!!
And in overtime the Saints take it.
The Saints entered the league in 1967.
They didn't have a winning seasons for 21 years.
They didn't win their first playoff game until 13 years after, and that was to the first 8-8 team to make the playoffs in centuries (Rams).
And then just when they were enjoying a return to the slump...Katrina hit.
New Orleans now needed something to signify to people that 3/8th of the city isn't gone forever, and the remaining 5/8th won't undergo a long process of just remaining unfixed as part of general oh...ethnic cleansing.
And so they hired Mr. Payton who did just that.
To come along and make me look good by not only winning...but by picking at the Colts overall intelligence.
Peyton Manning actually comes away the bright shining star of a team that FELL FOR AN ONSIDE KICKOFF TO START THE SECOND HALF?!!!!!!!!
You know, I don't know shit, and even I said they were hooked on phonics.
Coach Payton's infinitely smarter then me.
Well what do you think HE thought about their intelligence?
Enough to risk Manning's brain on the SAINTS VICTORY!!!!!!!
This was not even a situation where the Colts HAD been screwing up. They led this thing 10-0.
Even while getting beat...Sean Payton was learning from every single screw-up.
Listen to the Paytons, fellas. Or some dumbass little kid will take stuff from a cabinet that belongs to you.
Such as a Vince Lombardi trophy.
END OF STORY
The next hubs will be about the NBA Finals. I want to thank all of you for helping make this winter pass easier.