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The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! 10-1
Oh my goodness, I did it. I actually did it. YOU MANIACS! I FINISHED THE SUMMERSLAM SERIES! Alright, besides always wanting to do that, we have indeed finally reached the end of the 50 worst Summerslam matches list/series. For over a week, I have counted down the worst of the summer extravaganza, the shittiest of the shit, the lowest of the lows if you will. And now, we will conclude it with the ten worst matches in Summerslam history. Are you guys ready? Cause I am. So let's not waste time. Grab a Pepsi, some pizza Pringles, and don't worry, none of your favorite matches from this year's Summerslam made it. Trust me. ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! 10-1 (The Worst of the Worst Section)
10. Dusty Rhodes vs. Honky Tonk Man (Summerslam 1989)
And for number ten, we are returning to Rest Hold City, which aside from a soon to be exploding planet Namek, any bar named Gilda's and Mazza' sex dungeon is the worst place on earth to be. Don't blame the American Dream for this here. While he was certainly past his prime here and isn't that good, Dusty Rhodes tries his ass off to make this at least entertaining. Unfortunately, Honky Tonk Man doesn't do the same. Well, unless you're a fan of at least three different chin locks; then he's mightily entertaining. Combine that with sloppy wrestling and an overbooked/predictable finish, and Dusty vs. Honky is the best of the worst. Which is like saying you're the best of the Highlander sequels. THAT'S HAWD TIMES DADDAY!
9. Melina vs. Alicia Fox (Summerslam 2010)
Believe it or not girls and boys, this is the only match (in fairness, the only singles match) to feature a current Lucha Underground star on this list. Which tells us one of many things; one, there's many people from the LU who haven't wrestled for WWE and two, those who have were really, REALLY good and shouldn't have been let go. Somewhere, out there, beneath the dim lights in his favorite watering hole, Mazza has seen this and cursed WWE for letting Alberto El Patron and Johnny Mundo get away. Never fear; he'll feel better after he passes out and dreams of Roman Reigns.
Back on topic, you're looking at another fine example of why it's taken so long for women's wrestling in WWE to actually get respectable (although you could make the argument that last night sent women's wrestling all the way back to the stone age). The in ring action here is as sloppy as it gets, the booking for the match was rushed to begin with and to be honest, I'm not sure Alicia Fox knows what she's doing in the ring. Which would be fine if she was a rookie; it's not when she was the Divas champion walking into the damn match! What a shame. A few years later, I reckon this actually would've been pretty good, seeing as Melina is pretty decent overall and Alicia Fox has turned into a competent worker when she's not the Bella's servant. Alas, we'll never know, unless Alicia gets to the LU. Then perhaps we can add another match to Cameron's top ten list. Yes, don't think I forgot!
8. Kane vs. The Great Khali (Summerslam 2009)
If there's one thing worse than heel Great Khali, it's FACE Khali. Holy crap, he makes the heel version of himself look like Colin Kaepernick as Al Pacino from Scent of Women in the new Madden 16 commercial (reference! REFERENCES!). That's how bad face Khali is! Thus, it should come to no surprise that him vs. Kane is one of those wrestling tragedies that you think you only read about in The Death of WCW. It's got everything you'd want in a bad match. It's slow. It's dull. It's painful. It's got one guy desperately trying to save this match and not being able to do so (Kane). It's got no story being told at all. I could go on and on and on, but we're so close to the end, so I'm not going to. It's bad, whoever booked this should feel bad, and let's just move on before I start crying like the internet did when people booed a boring match last night. BUH ZING!
7. Undertaker vs. Kamala (Summerslam 1992)
Man, matches like this (and really every Undertaker match in this top ten, which is quite a few) makes me so happy I waited an extra few days to finish this series. Not because the ending to Taker-Brock from Summerslam was so ridiculous that Tommy Wisseau optioned it for a screenplay soon after, but because of this.
Great Scott, I don't know what Mean Mark is on, but I want to congratulate him for taking it, thus leading to that laugh. That is a Hall of Fame face right there, alongside the Peyton Manning face, the Eli Manning face, the Mazza "wait, I'm sorry, you will have sex with me?" face, every face Michael Douglas makes in the film Fatal Attraction and every face "MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF STARS" family (which is basically Dave Bowman and Seth Rollins. 'Plan knows what I'm talking about). That thing is going to live long after the Taker-Brock finish is still being ridiculed.
Oh yes, there's a match to talk about (notice how I'm avoiding these? That's cause they're AWFUL!). This is pretty much your standard below average "Taker takes on an unskilled monster heel" matches, only with the volume turned up. I haven't watched that much of Kamala to know if he was a great worker or not, but what I've seen from him would suggest that he's not. This is no different; the Uganda Giant is sloppy as hell, and Taker is once against forced to bump like crazy to make him look credible. Really, the only thing working for it is the crowd being into the match and that's it. Poor Taker. It's only going to get worse for him going forward.
6. Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff (Summerslam 2003)
We've now reached the point in the top ten where in the next two matches, nothing happens. Seriously; nothing of substance occurs. You shouldn't really be that surprised in this instance, as a) Shane McMahon (really underrated in ring all things considered) was feuding with Kane at the time and was put in this match for no particular reason, and b) part of the buildup involved Eric Bischoff more than likely RAPING Linda McMahon (Shane's mother, and future failed politician). Not only is that a despicable way to take the angle, but it also calls for Shane to beat the ever living holy hell out of Bischoff. What happened instead? An overbooked catastrophe that saw Shane hardly get his hands on Bischoff, the Jonathan Coachman heel turn nobody asked for (I love it how people now forget they hated Coach ten years ago) and Steve Austin interfering because "GM Steve Austin interferes. THAT'S WHAT HE DOES!". Yes, I ripped that off from Machete Kills, but so what? That was a more enjoyable reference than anything in this match. Unless you're Coach's family. Apologies to them if they're reading.
5. Brothers of Destruction vs. DDP and Kanyon (Summerslam 2001)
We've come to the end of Biker Taker matches in this series. I'm actually a tad sad about that. If only there was something to make me feel better...
Right, let's talk shop. Like the last match, this contest for the WCW and WWE Tag Team Championships suffers from two problems; nothing remotely interesting happens and the storyline leading into it blew chunks (DDP stalking Taker's wife, the Alliance angle, and the Alliance angle a second time because damn you Vince!). Again, that's not bad in the right circumstance, but seeing this match took place in a cage, revolved around titles and a supposed blood feud (the WWE actually turned DDP into a pervert for this angle. Yup), you'd think it would be, I don't know, EXCITING! Instead, it's one bloodless, endless squash that made Taker and Kane look unnecessarily strong and made DDP and Kanyon look like chumps. Pretty much, it was the entire Invasion storyline in a nutshell; nothing really ever happened, WCW/ECW looked stupid and WWEWINSLOL. On the plus side, you're at least not reading the 50 Worst Bash at the Beach Matches series right now. Take that Vince!
4. Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez (Summerslam 1993)
Yes, you're reading it correctly; someone in WWE actually sat back after the Wrestlemania fiasco Taker and Giant Gonzales had in 1993 and said to themselves, "That was terrible, AND I NEED TO MAKE SURE THERE'S MORE OF IT!". Great bouncing icebergs, what in the blue hell was that person thinking? Not only is this match NOT better than the Wrestlemania encounter, it's at best the same thing and worse...WORSE (for the record, Taker-Gonzales was also in the top five of my worst Wrestlemania matches series. At least their consistent). I don't know what more to say here. Poor Taker is once again trying, but there's not a whole lot you can do against poor Gonzales, who was just too big to really be able to do anything effective (even if he was strangely far more entertaining in WCW). The only good thing I can say about this match is that there were no more of them afterwards. Thank goodness. I think we need another Taker face thing to brighten the mood. What say you?
3. Divas Dodgeball (Summerslam 2004)
I know, I know, I know; technically, this isn't a match. There were no wrestling moves/holds performed (though to be fair, there probably wouldn't have been that many anyway if both sides actually wrestled each other!), there was no ring, there was so little that if Coach hadn't been there ruining everything like he always does (come at me Coach fans!), you wouldn't have even known this was a WWE sanctioned thing. But you know what; this was a competition within WWE, and it was so terrible that it deserves to be mentioned. The only nice thing I can say about this "athletic competition" (which is right up there with the Bartman game and the night the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup as my least favorite sporting events ever) is that it wasn't fixed. How do I know that? Because the Diva Search team actually won! You know it's real when that group somehow took it.
2. The Kat vs. Terri Runnels (Summerslam 2000)
The Stink Face match. If you're a wrestling promoter and you're ever given the opportunity to book a match with said gimmick, I have only this advice to give you; don't do it. And if you do end up booking it, quit right now and wander the Earth for the rest of your days, wondering what went wrong. My goodness, if not for the number one match being one of the worst things I've ever laid eyes on, this would be the winner here. The only good thing to say about it is both women look absolutely gorgeous. Beyond that, the wrestling is awful, the stipulation is awful, the use of Perry Saturn as awful, and there's one moment in the match where Hall of Famer Jim Ross is forced to utter the line "looks like Saturn just got head too!". As troubling as some of the booking for the recent "Divas Revolution" has been to some, at least those women aren't being forced to wrestle in bikini's with the goal being to shove their ass to their opponents face. We've at least come that far. Certainly one of the low points in women's wrestling history.
1. Undertaker vs. Undertaker (Summerslam 1994)
We've made it everyone! We're at the big one, the show stopper, the shittiest of the shit, the Triple H of this Roman Reigns esq list if you will (that was for you Mazza!). And hey, of course it had to have Undertaker at the end. Not just because he seems to be have been in every other match in this series, but because we have one final chance to show the laugh! Assistants, GET THE MEMES!
Now you may remember me saying a few minutes ago this is one of the worst things I've ever laid eyes on. I wasn't kidding; this is literally one of the five worst matches I've ever seen, and most certainly the worst main event in Summerslam history. Everything that could go wrong here possibly goes wrong. The timing between Undertaker and "Underfaker" (the Artist Soon to Be Known as Brian Lee) is all time terrible, almost as bad as the infamous Warrior-Hogan Halloween Havoc match. The Underfaker botches at least four moves and couldn't be more unpolished and sloppy. Hell, he's so bad, he makes the Undertaker look like a below average wrestler. I thought only concussions did that! But the thing that makes this the worst of all the Summerslam matches? The way it kills the crowd. You've read about a ton of terrible matches here over the past week. What I've found is that, regardless of how bad the quality could get, most of the time the crowd would still play along (which goes to show you how much more rebellious the crowd has gotten these days). Not here. The crowd is hot when this match starts. By the end of it, the crowd had gone silent quicker than they did when Roman Reigns told his magic beans story. A few other matches on here did that, but none, NONE were as bad as this match was at doing so. Combine that with the poor work rate, the awful timing and less heat than a vacation to the arctic, and you've got the worst match in Summerslam history.
And with that, we're are finished! Man, what a journey through the suck, huh? I want to give special thanks to my buddy Pen for helping me compile this list, future LOP Hall of Famer Mazza for being such a good sport, and all of you who actually came back every time to have some fun looking at the worst. I enjoyed writing them, and I hope you enjoyed reading them. With that, I take my leave till the next time. Till then, here's a non Undertaker meme. Cause hey, we need some variety right?
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