The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! 20-11
I'm forgoing the intro tonight. Why? Because I'm tired, my head hurts and as the master and commander of this column, I'll do what I want! Deal with it! And with that noise over, let's begin. ON WITH THE SHOW!
The 50 Worst Summerslam Matches of ALL TIME! 20-11 (The We're Almost There Section)
20. Hulk Hogan vs. Earthquake (Summerslam 1990)
Seeing as my inclusion of two Hulk Hogan matches earlier in this series drew groans, bewilderment and a common internet epidemic known as nerd rage, I reckon this isn't going to be a popular choice here. Too bad folks! I'll say this for the match; the buildup to it actually wasn't that bad. Hulk Hogan actually looks kind of vulnerable, and Earthquake is actually sort of a badass, and not the kind that dresses up in South Park t-shirts and listens to ICP (Golga alert! Golga alert!). That only makes it even more unfortunate that this match is so underwhelming. Both men do what they can, but with their limited in ring ability, the match is merely a watered down version of better Hogan matches from prior years. Couple that with some really strange rule factors (like Big Boss Man interfering on Hogan's behalf in front of the referee, and the ref doing absolutely nothing despite it being a regular singles match), and this match is pretty bad. Sorry Hulkamaniacs. I don't mean to pile on even further now that Hulk has been revealed as the dumbest person this side of Hernandez. Shit, Hogan was probably offended by that comparison. Let me search for a shit to give right now!
19. Greg Valentine vs. Hercules Hernandez (Summerslam 1989)
I have three requirements for a match in order for it to potentially be good. One, it has to not have a past his prime wrestler who hasn't retired, because reasons! Two, his opponent has to be as talented at wrestling as the Green Arrow seems he will be. And finally, the ring announcer cannot be the biggest, most untalented dick hole in the history of the western hemisphere. This match has all three of those fatal flaws, and really is only this low because it didn't go long enough to show us more of the slow, plodding, "why was Hercules Hernandez actually a thing?!" action that we got in the three to five minutes here. A few extra minutes though, and I'm pretty sure I'd be making the same face I made when the line "The pheasant is delicious" was just uttered during the episode of Castle I'm watching. Somewhere, Roman Reigns is having flashbacks to the post RAW Mania crowd. Shield his eyes Mazza. SHIELD THEM!
18. Jeff Jarrett vs. Mabel (Summerslam 1994)
Jeff Jarrett. The man who would eventually become the "World's Largest Love Machine". There's not enough F's I can give to this match. In all seriousness, I can't really blame Double J here, who I've always felt was underrated and who literally does try his ass off here. Honestly, I'm sure Mabel was too. But when you're the size that man was, you're likely not in wrestling because you can go like Ultimo Dragon in his prime. If this colossal, Crush Groove esq bore doesn't prove that to people, I don't know what can. Well, at least there shouldn't be any more Mabel matches on here.
17. Diesel vs. King Mabel (Summerslam 1995)
For those wondering, yes I totally knew there would be another Mabel match on here and I was indeed setting it up with that previous sentence. What, you think I wouldn't know my own list? That would be like Hulk Hogan sitting there and going, "Yeah, I really should make a sex tape with Bubba the Love Sponge's wife and say a whole lot of stupid, insensitive shit. What could possibly go wrong?!". The lesson, as always; you gotta love Hogan. You just never know when he's going to lose it or someone he knows is going to try and have someone they loved killed with a $13 pizza coupon.
Oh yes, this match! You know how the Jarrett-Mabel match was really bad, but it at least had a talented worker in Jarrett and was shorter than Dude, Where's My Car? Yeah, this match replaces Jarrett with Diesel (aka Kevin Nash) and balloons the run time by an extra ten minutes. BIG MISTAKE! As much as I've enjoyed Big Daddy Cool over the years, he was most certainly not the guy to carry the poor man's Sexual Chocolate to a solid match, and he comes nowhere close here. The best thing I can say is at least no one was really surprised. Well, other than Lex Luger interfering and Nash inexplicably attacking him despite the fact that Luger was TRYING TO HELP HIM! Beyond that though, it was just as lame and disappointing as you expected.
16. DOA vs. Los Boricuas (Summerslam 1997)
I could sit here and use all the major buzzwords I've used during this series to describe how brutal this match is to watch. Or I could save you and myself time by simply saying the Harris Brothers were involved in this match. Which basically tells you all you need to know, and gives me license to use the phrase "NEXT!".
15. Jake Roberts vs. Hercules (Summerslam 1988)
A worse version of the Roberts-Bad News Brown match from earlier on this list, with the only positive being that Big Boss Man was nowhere to be found. Not that it exactly helps here. Really, this bout just goes to show you how uniquely terrible good old Herc was. Jake Roberts is easily one of the best, most clever workers of all time; for him to have a bad match, the bout either had to be booked incredibly poorly (his match with Brown) or his opponent had to have the talent of Soulja Boy. Hercules was the latter, and it shows here when he repeatedly grinds the match to a halt with trips to Rest Hold City. And yes, in case you were wondering, Rest Hold City is not nearly as fun as Suplex City; it's slow as hell, there's no Pizza Hut and anyone who makes fun of Arsenal, Triple H or Roman Reigns has to go to prison immediately. Sounds like a certain readers M.O.!
14. X-Pac vs. Road Dogg (Summerslam 2000)
It was the breakup of a tag team that no one wanted or asked for. The buildup was something no one wanted or asked for. And...you guessed it, the match more or less followed the same "come on, do we really have to sit through this shit?" sense of dread everything else in this program contained. On the plus side, it's not really that long, and...that's pretty much it. The kicker to all this; I didn't even have to watch this match for the column. I remembered just how bad it was. You know you've done something wrong when something is so bad, it's burned into your brain forever. Congrats on joining the last two Royal Rumble matches and every Limp Bizkit CD in that category Road Dogg and X-Pac!
13. Ivory vs. Tori (Summerslam 1999)
You may have noticed that there's been a startling lack of women's matches in this list. Well, unfortunately, they're about rain down on this series, downpour style. Like most of the matches in this section, the work Ivory and Tori do is far too short to seriously be considered for the top slot. But my goodness, this match features some of the worst wrestling you'll ever see. Ivory was never terrible, but she's nowhere near as good as the women we see on LU, NXT/WWE, ROH and TNA today. Even if she was, there's little chance (at least in this writer's opinion) that she could've made Tori look good here. Not to be mean, but Tori makes Eva Marie look like Daniel Bryan. It's that bad. And it's on display here, with everything being botched or looking sloppy as hell. I suppose it at least didn't take place during the Kane-Tori-X-Pac love triangle though. Remember that? Pepperidge Farm remembers, and wishes it didn't.
12. Divas Battle Royal (Summerslam 2007)
What's worse than trying to watch Tori put together a semi-competent three minute match? Watching a near ten minute clusterfuck of women's wrestlers trying to put together a competent battle royal. What's really depressing about this bout is that there's a truckload of talented women in this match, whether it was Beth Phoenix, Michelle McCool or Mickie James. These girls could go. The problem is more of the performers than not couldn't, which doesn't exactly work when you clutter the ring with ten performers trying to make something entertaining. Hey, at least Beth Phoenix won, right? Right? If you haven't noticed, I'm really starting to lose steam here. This is what happens when you watch fifty terrible matches over the course of a week, staying up till around 2:30 to do so. I may need help.
11. Edge vs. Matt Hardy (Summerslam 2005)
Ladies, gentlemen, Mazza an T.O.; there may have been worse matches in this series, but nothing, and I mean nothing, was a more disappointing match than this one here. I mean my goodness, this was a feud/match built on real life heat. Edge stole Matt Hardy's girl. Matt then got fired. Matt then got rehired due to fan revolt. Real life became kayfabe when these two began to feud. Put all that together, and you'd think you would get a potential show stealing match with a whole lot of brawling, brutality and at least one huge spot. Instead, we got four minutes and the match being stopped out of nowhere. What in the actual hell?! In some ways I get it; WWE didn't want to blow their load too early with this feud, and they knew that Edge and Matt would always have more to give in their back pocket going forward (their street fight and cage match following Summerslam would prove this). But even still, man this match is just rushed, not good and flat out disappointing. I even almost put it in the top ten due to that, though I managed to find restraint. Good on me I guess. Let's now go live to Mazza's reaction to yet another Matt Hardy match on this list.
That'll do it! I'm off to dream land, and will be back tomorrow to mercifully finish this series. Till next time, congrats to my buddy, fellow columnist (and long time reader!) Doc for getting a sign with his name mentioned on Takeover tonight! He's famous. Like, DUCHOVNY famous.