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The Chicago Bears Before Jay Cutler

Updated on November 5, 2009

Not only is it cold in Chicago, it HURTS.

Grass becomes sharp in the Chicago winter. It is not fun to get hit by 300 pound dudes who can bench their weight. Those football pads do nothing. In high school and college, the pads break through the jersey, and your bare exposed arms are getting clipped by these huge sharp plastic plates. You have to go back to the huddle and listen to more boring stuff from the coach that doesn't concern you -- and you're in freaking PAIN. And it's so miserable when the wind blows that your pain doesn't HEAL!!! No quarterback wants to go through this, and their very lack of size and speed and presentable image to mama becomes a complete disadvantage. Especially because the Bears, just like the Illini and Northwestern and Eastern Illinois and Western Illinois and Michigan and Notre Dame and Iowa and Western Ohio and everywhere else there's a Midwest -- they run the ball and hope the defense wears out, even if it means boring the entire brain-dead crowd into cheers that would never happen if they weren't genetically obliged to be blindly allegient to a boring ass losing program. I don't care if running the ball gets you a consistent 9 win season. 9 wins doesn't make for convincing celebrations. And it definitely doesn't help the cause of the quarterback who is now stuck in a situation where he's supposed to block and duck because all else he's doing is handing off. This is why so many quarterbacks in the Midwest suck. They don't have to be good. It's not part of the coach's plans. And so since 1986 when that guy on the Packers up and destroyed Jim McMahon, the Bears have never wanted a good quarterback, no good quarterback wanted to be a Bear, and both parties were just fine with that.

This is the only team that goes 9-2 and the whole world knows they're overrated.

The only team that has everyone get injured all at once in a playoff game.

The only team that so stubborn they think they can just ride a defense and it doesn't maybe make those guys on the defense a bit too Pippenish to give their all? Isn't that a bit unfair when you're the defense, and you know the offense isn't EXPECTED to produce?

They're even worse then the Cubs at letting adversity amplify and get the better of them. In 1991 in a game in Chicago, the snow was coming down, it was against Miami, the Bears had the lead late, they were going to punt the ball away, and Jay Hilgenburg sends the ball right over Maury Buford's head, sending the Chicago punter to go and chase it behind him, and they almost ended up with a safety. Miami ended up coming back, and winning the game on a Pete Stoyonovich touchdown.

The Bears wouldn't confidentally go into a football game for the next ten years.

Then they went 13-3 in 2001 and lost in the NFC Divisional Playoff at home to Philadelphia. This was the Eagles' first of four trips to the NFC championship and they would screw up this one and the next two. And it was because God didn't like the way Eagles' prick Hugh Douglas had to go and rip Chicago QB Jim Miller's arm out of the socket. Jim Miller was our best quarterback in the last twenty years. In a new blog, we'll talk about the other ones, because there was something very underlying and psychological about why they didn't pan out.

In 2006, they went back with Rex Grossman. But the problem with Grossman is that he played the game like he played it on Playstation 3. We don't examine every single option before we pass the ball, but we're also not NFL quarterbacks. You're supposed to see everything and be able to do it fast, and be able to have a plan in mind. Grossman doesn't do that. He looks for the first option, the second, and that's it. He's not fast enough to see more then two. And in his confusion, he'll air it out and figure these other professionals down the field can take it from there. They usually can't.

But now we got Cutler. And I like him.

And now for the best true story you'll ever be told


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