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Keep Calm and #FreeTitus: The Failbag Strikes Again!

Updated on February 11, 2016

Reunited and it feels so good! That’s right girls, boys and writers who lost to me in the LOP Grand Prix, the Failbag is back and just as weird, fun and unreadable as ever. How are the questions? On a scale from one to LUGER WON THE TITLE, I’d say they’re pretty solid. Oh, and of course they’re totally from actual people and not made up by me and people I begged to help me with this column (thanks Ollie, Pen, T.O. and Leaf!). Dammit I’ve said too much. ROLL THE FOOTAGE!

Who do I have to choke to get Rock-Cena III?

-T.O., Everywhere


Evidently pulling people’s arms is what gets attention these days. I’d pull Vince McMahon’s arm and see what happens. It’s like he’d suspend you or anything!


How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck was Scott Steiner?

-Alicia, Rhode Island


You had to go there? You had to ask me a question that only Scott Steiner could answer, even after he got into so much trouble with his Steinerbag? Your funeral I suppose. Scotty, give the man a nice answer.


YA NO, AM SITTIN HEYAH, REDDIN MAH SOUP OPRAH DIDEST, MINDIN MAH OAN BESNESS, WHEN DA SYOPANTS, COLT IKEN, TELLS MEH DAT DA WOOT CHALK EZ CHALLENGEN MEH TA CHUCK ES WOOT! AH DONUGHT CHUK NO MENGS WOOT; IMMA REAL MAN! UNLICK DA WOOT CHUNK, AH DUNT HAVETA SPINZ DEM FRECKS 45 DEGRAZZIS TA CREAT EN EQUONOX SO DEY CANT CAN SEH DA BIG DIPPAH! IM DA BIG DIPPAH! EN WOULD CHOKE, EF YER RALLY WAUNT EH PEACE OF MEH, YOOGEST PRESS DA DIAL, WEIGHT A WHALE, AND JOHN DA WANKEN FILE, BECUZ CROSSEN DA BIG, BAD, BOTTAH DADDAH WELL SPILL DUME FOR YA ET SACRIFICE!!!

Do you prefer technico or rudo Pentagon Jr.?

-Oliver, The Wrong Side of the Pond


Neither; there is no wrong way to do Pentagon Jr. The dude is so good that it doesn’t matter whether he’s the anti-hero Lucha Underground deserves (but not the one it needs right now) or the most diabolical hater since the so called Beautiful. With Pentagon, the answer is always correct. Now Bengala? That’s a whole other story man!


On scale from one to LUGER WON THE TITLE, how bonkers good is this O.J. Simpson show?

-Pinball, Machine


Honestly, it’s bonkers good on a LUGER WON THE TITLE level. I know I know, blasphemy, but is it really? The fact is that the O.J. case, despite being older than Hit Girl in Kick-Ass, is still relevant today. Hell, it might even be more relevant today than it was then thanks to the continued discussion of racial issues in this country and rise of domestic violence awareness in recent years (we forget, but O.J. was pretty much Ray Rice and Gregg Hardy long before Ray Rice and Gregg Hardy). Add that to the fact that the real life events remains one of the most captivating happenings in American history and an out of the world cast (welcome back to the big time Cuba Gooding Jr. and David Schwimmer!) and the only thing shocking about The People vs. O.J. Simpson’s success is that Ryan Murphy of all people is behind it. If you had told me that man had made the most successful adaption of the O.J. Simpson trial five years ago, I’d have assumed the man was either replaced by a clone or we were wiped out by an asteroid hitting the earth Armageddon style.


I remember the time I was suspended 60 days for trying to be chivalrous. Oh wait, no I don’t! #FreeTitus

-Audrey, Great Northern


Oh boy. It’s beginning. I promised myself I wouldn’t go off on a Titus tangent here. Let’s ignore this question and see what happens.


Is suspending a guy two times more than a first offense drug user for a practical joke (at worst) the dumbest non Roman Reigns decision Vince McMahon has made in the last year?

-The Man From Another Place, Another Place


Dammit dammit dammit! Did you not read my last answer? We’re not doing this! No more Titus questions. I was quit when I got that first one; I’m twice as quit now!


What if this whole Titus O’Neil thing is a work to make him into the next mega star, and we’re all buying it hook line and sinker?

-Liv, Seattle


…I have no choice but to answer one these huh?

Alrighty then. I’ll sum up my feelings in a very short burst; no Titus O’Neil shouldn’t have been suspended for, as best as I can understand it, pulling Vince McMahon’s arm at the end of Monday Night RAW, no he most certainly shouldn’t have been suspended 90 days for it (twice as long a first time drug offense under the WWE’s Wellness Policy), no he shouldn’t have been suspended 60 days for it (the amount of time one serves a suspension for a second Wellness Policy violation) and my goodness, do people really think everything is a work in wrestling these days?! I’m not saying that Titus should’ve grabbed Vince’s arm or that there shouldn’t have been some sort of discussion later on. But 90 days and the loss of a Wrestlemania payday for an incident that at worst is a mistimed joke? If I’m Titus, I’m taking Dave Batista’s advice and bolting out of there quicker Angel after he lost his soul in season two. #FreeTitus


If Titus O’Neil manages to make his way to Lucha Underground, can he be called Titus Starpower?

-Leaf, the Wind


I’m assuming that Titus Starpower is Aerostar’s ancient astronaut bodyguard in this scenario? If that’s what we’re going with, I’d rather he get the name Starkiller; sounds a lot more intergalactically badass than Starpower. That said, if Titus did somehow find his way to the LU in the near distant future (and there’s no evidence he will), I’d rather see him as another one of Big Ryck’s cousin or even Big Ryck’s brother, who has come to avenge his death at the hands of the Disciples of Death. The story writes itself. And yes, Big Ryck is dead. Go read the Mil Muertes comic if you don’t believe me.


Which combination would score more goals - Vardy/Mahrez, Vardy/Payet or Vardy/Ozil?

-Drinkwater, Leicester


…is this a trick question? Are you seriously asking me whether Jamie Vardy would have a more successful partnership with someone other than Riyad Mahrez, the Sundance Kid to his Butch Cassidy?! BOY DO I GOT NEWS FOR YOU…yeah, he could. I still say Vardy would have more goals with Mahrez than either Payet or Ozil (mainly because I don’t trust West Ham and the thought of Arsene Wenger managing Vardy fills me to the brim with the feeling of sweet death), but let’s be real; he’s freakin Jamie Vardy. Harry Kane goes to be every night and dreams about being even one fifth of the striker Vardy is. He’s so good, he could play with the Vancouver White Caps second unit and still be off the charts good. Give the man any dance partner and I say he succeeds. Then again, there’s a 75% chance I’m a delusional fan boy who is living out his dreams of his own favorite club being great one day through Vardy and Leicester City. Ah, who cares? Let’s make fun of Harry Kane for no reason some more!

Fun fact; this was Matt Mortensen's Twitter avatar. Thought you'd like to know
Fun fact; this was Matt Mortensen's Twitter avatar. Thought you'd like to know

What will happen first; more Vardy memes or Mortensen getting his Ducks hat?

-Yamcha, the Friend Zone


First off, congrats on Yamcha finally realizing where he’s doomed to be stuck for an eternity. Acceptance is the first step dude. Secondly, didn’t the end of the last question answer this question? We’ve seen a Vardy meme thus far, while Mortensen is still hat less because I NEED MORE TIME DAMMIT! Hey, look on the brightside; at least I haven’t used a Vardy meme with him wearing a hat yet.

Why haven’t the Minnesota Wild fired Mike Yeo yet?

-T.O., Everywhere


Because Bob Hartley hasn’t been fired by the Flames yet? I honestly don’t know. Frankly, are you sure Mike Yeo is the problem? I wouldn’t call him an excellent coach, but aside from Glen Sather and Scotty Bowman, who exactly is a great hockey coach? Those guys get fired more than football managers for crying out loud. My advice; keep Yeo instead of replacing him with another faceless coach who just stands there and either hope the team gets better or that you ship Zack Parise out for Steve Stamkos. Who says no?


Why did Gilmore Girls end so poorly? Besides Amy Sherman-Palladino not writing the last season, that is.

-Becky, Old Town


I’m going to go with the fact that Rory’s boyfriend Jess from season three (and two) was no longer there. Granted, he hadn’t been there for years, but seeing as I abandoned ship once Jess did I’m going to say that was part of the problem. Well, that and the fact that YOU NEVER REMOVE THE CREATIVE FORCE BEHIND GREATNESS. Seriously, did you ever hear about Joss Whedon getting kicked off Buffy the Vampire Slayer or David Simon getting fired while shepherding The Wire? Getting rid of the showrunner and creative force only works…never. I’ll never get that with the final season Gilmore Girls.


Take one of the original Horsemen at their peak and transplant them into a current promotion, who do you put where?

-Oliver, The Wrong Side of the Pond


Ole Anderson into Lucha Underground. I know; out of all the members you pick the worst Horsemen in the history of the western hemisphere? First off, Ole Anderson isn’t how you spell Paul Roma (the actual worst Horsemen of all time) and secondly, what other member of the group could possibly fit in the LU? Arn and Tully are ROH guys through and through. Ric Flair in Lucha Underground makes as much sense as Leonardo DiCaprio being in a remake of The Warriors. But Ole, a guy who was perpetually stuck in 1972, hated anything different and was the ultimate good old boy? That man would’ve been an amazing rudo in the Temple. Alas, he’s probably having a circle jerk with Jim Cornette right now over how much they hate wrestling these days.


Why are most female comedians unfunny?

-T.O., Everywhere


Since when are female comedians not funny? What’s wrong with Tina Fey, Amy Schumer (who I’m guessing is the target of this question’s mild wrath) or hero to all humans Amy Poehler? I think you need to branch out some more my good man. Start with Parks and Recreation. If you still aren’t a fan of Poehler by the end of it, chances are you have no soul or enjoy the acting talents of one Pauly Shore.


What are these ***ing Iguanas doing on my desk?!

-Nikolai, New Orleans


Looking into my crystal ball here, I can tell that this person is either a) Nicolas Cage’s character from the movie Bad Lieutenant: Port of New Orleans, someone who has done a large amount of recreational drugs and is hallucinating, c) is a regular joe who just happens to have an iguana on his desk or d) all of the above. Whatever the case, I don’t know why the iguanas are on your desk. Furthermore, I don’t know why you own an iguana. Do cats or dogs scared you? Are you not entertained by feeding poor helpless feeder mice to pet snakes…wow, where did that come from?

Man’s most daring question; Shinsuke Nakamura or Shunsuke Nakamura?

-Freddy, Elm Street


Pretty cool that Freddy is a football/wrestling fan eh? Anyways, let’s set up the tale of the tape; in the red corner is Shinsuke Nakamura, the most charismatic wrestler on this mortal coil, potentially the best wrestler alive today AND a guy who is poised to potentially be a big time player in WWE. In the blue corner is the similarly named Shunsuke Nakamura, who packs a mean kick, a long tenured run as one of Celtic F.C.’s best players of the new century and a dude who once did this.

So who is the king? This question is so close that I could almost write an entire column about it. I think conventional wisdom suggests that I pick Shinsuke. And hey, that makes sense; the man is Freddie Mercury fused with Bryan Danielson, he might be a future World Champion (if a lot of things break right granted) for the biggest wrestling promotion in the world and the dude actually looks like friggin royalty sometimes. Seems like the clear cut winner. Here’s the problem; did you see that damn kick?!

You’re damn right I posted the same video twice! I mean look at that beauty right there. It’s fast, it’s lethal; hell the damn ball bends more than Jack Evans at an audition for Step Up: The Musical! David Beckham looks at that and probably wishes he didn’t exist. At the end of the day, Shinsuke Nakamura may be the coolest wrestler alive. But you cannot compete the epicness of a Shunsuke Nakamura kick. Thus, Celtic F.C. takes another one. Somewhere, Rangers and Manchester United fans are fuming. Hey, at least it’s not Wayne Rooney’s fault this time!


Has there been a more spectacular wasted push than the one for Roman Reigns? Not because of any lack of talent, but because of how many stars were sacrificed in an attempt to get him over?

-Pen, The Great White North


A serious question! The answer is no; there hasn’t been a more wasted push. You could argue Lex Luger’s 1993 run was close, but the dirty little secret about that whole fiasco is that Lex actually had crowd support (to some extent), was already an established star thanks to his WCW stint and WWE had a fall back option who was kept strong even as Lex was getting his push (Bret Hart). Roman Reigns has had none of those things since his Shield days; he hasn’t had consistent crowd support at televised shows, he never had to pay dues in the midcard (in fact, he apparently hasn’t lost a match cleanly since FCW) and because he hasn’t gotten over with fans the way WWE wants, anyone who’s had momentum (Dean Ambrose, Bray Wyatt, a slew of others) has been cooled to make Reigns look better (search your feelings apologists, you know it to be true!). That’s obviously more of the booking teams fault than Reigns’ and even though I’m not a fan of his at all, I do feel bad for the guy (who has worked hard to improve). The problem is that Roman Reigns is, at best, a better looking Cesaro; a solid in ring performer who doesn’t have the rest of the intangibles to be “the guy”. That’s why his push has been the biggest waste. You can go overboard on a guy who can be the next Rock; you don’t do it with the next Randy Orton. Hot damn, are we actually going to close this bad boy out with a serious one?!


So now that we know Aerostar is an ancient astronaut sent from a Millennia ago to save humanity, is it safe to assume he’s made an appearance in H.P. Lovecraft novels? I bet he’s the thing that made that dude insane at the end of At the Mountains of Madness.

-Skeegan, UConn

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