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Things One Does Not Do or Say at The Masters Golf Tournament

Updated on April 14, 2015

Congratulations, Jordan

21-year-old Jordan Spieth won the 2015 Masters at Augusta with a string of amazing shots that included a startling shot from the bunker to an amazing two-shot charge to win the tournament hands-down.

It's golfers like Spieth who is slowly converting me into a fan of golf. When I was a kid I loved to watch the legend, Arnold Palmer make one birdie after the other and carry home more money and endorsements than any human deserves. But "Arnie" remained humble as the winning years slowly begin to fade, but not his fame. Palmer will always have his name on the "Halls of Golfing Glory."

Jordan Spieth, cool and calm.
Jordan Spieth, cool and calm.
Always respectful.
Always respectful.

As time goes by

There was a time not so long ago that a younger, more physically-fit Tiger Woods almost matched Palmer's march to glory by his winning ways, but with injuries to his back and hip, the tournament wins became rare and few. Still, Woods is a favorite golfer and a fan-draw in each match he plays.

Talk is that The Masters "is" the epitome of golf tournaments and I cannot argue with that since I am not a noted-expert on golf. Other talk is that even if you can be in the crowds that attend The Masters in-person, you are among throngs of people referred to as "Special Americans."

Spieth's sharp shots gave him the win

Other images of The Masters

V.J. Singh, pro golfer.
V.J. Singh, pro golfer.
Bubba Watson, pro golfer.
Bubba Watson, pro golfer.
Ernie Els, pro golfer.
Ernie Els, pro golfer.
Jim Nance, smooth-talking CBS broadcaster who covers The Masters.
Jim Nance, smooth-talking CBS broadcaster who covers The Masters.
Arnold Palmer, will always be a golfing icon and legend.
Arnold Palmer, will always be a golfing icon and legend.
Phil Mickelson, pro golfer.
Phil Mickelson, pro golfer.
Rory McIlroy, pro golfer.
Rory McIlroy, pro golfer.

Closing note:

if you do say and do all of the things you aren't supposed to do, what will happen if next year, the fans demand that "you" and "Leonard" do a return performance?

So let's continue with our two-part episode entitled

Things One Does Not Do or Say at The Masters Golf Tournament

Things Not to Do:

  • Gallop nude over the greens when the television cameras are fixed on the golfer who is teeing off.
  • Start a shoving-match with someone shorter than you and throwing in some loud bellowing to get attention.
  • Toss pebbles at fun-loving Bubba Watson making a putt. Then duck down behind the crowd.
  • Fire-up your iPad blasting loud music by The Who to break concentration of golfers waiting to make a shot.
  • Run out long for a pass thrown by your best buddy, "Leonard," who isn't afraid of a circle saw.
  • Find out where Jim Nance is broadcasting the matches and tell "Leonard" to hold Nance down on the floor while you say ignorant-but-hilarious remarks over CBS airways.
  • Make sexual advances toward women watching the action on the golf course while disguised in a mask that has eyes with springs that go up and down.

Things Not to Say:

  • Yelling "Loser," at Tiger Woods as loud as you can to cause him to get angry and throw his club.
  • Yelling, "I got ya' three-stroke lead right here," at any of the golfers to get a round of laughter.
  • Standing in front of the crowd and with your hands to your mouth, bellow, "I need water . . .NOW!" to a stunned Arnold Palmer and maybe he will mention you in an interview after the tourney.
  • Yelling, "You want a piece of this?" to Ernie Els is not a good idea, for I have heard he can hold his own in a good, old-fashioned fist-fight.
  • After you get the cameraman's attention, point out strangers on the front row of the spectators and say that their names are: "Tommy," "Sucker," "Billy Big Belly," "Easy Judy," and "Mack." Who knows? They might appreciate some good fun.
  • Boast loudly, "I can beat any one of those golfer's butts any day of the week." Then tear off your shirt like Hulk Hogan. Talk about a big laugh.
  • Announce to the crowd, "Now for my patented dog impression seen and appreciated by fans all over the world," then pick a stranger and bite them on the shins.


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