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Things You Are Not Advised To Do At A Baseball Game

Updated on June 7, 2016
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth has been a member of HubPages for five years. He is retired from a 23-year career in the weekly newspaper business.

The "Big Lumber"
The "Big Lumber" | Source

Dramatic opening

Drum roll, please. "Let's hear it for Abner Doubleday. Not Barry Bonds. Not Roger Marris. And sadly, not for Billy Martin. But Abner Doubleday, the "father of baseball." Although the information you will read below about my pal, Abner, may lead you to not think that he did create the game of baseball, but you know what? I gladly go on the record as saying that Doubleday "did" "step up to the plate" (pun intended) and make "America's Past Time," possible.

Abner Doubleday, (God bless his heart), was born June 26, 1819 and passed on January 26, 1893. He was a career officer in the United States Union Army, a general in the American War Between The States. He fired the first shot in defense of Fort Sumter, the opening battle of the war, and had a pivotal role in the early fighting at the Battle of Gettysburg. Gettysburg was his finest hour. In San Francisco, after the war, he obtained a patent on the cable car railway that still runs there. In his final years in New Jersey, he was a prominent member and later president of the Theosophical Society. Doubleday has been historically credited with inventing baseball, although this appears to be untrue, but not proven.

Abner Doubleday is credited for creating baseball in 1839 in  Cooperstown, N.Y.
Abner Doubleday is credited for creating baseball in 1839 in Cooperstown, N.Y. | Source

Now for my reparations

Some time back I published a hub about "Things Not to Do at a Football Game," and although my intentions were without hidden agenda, I messed up. I admit it. I let "America's Past time" slide (no pun intended) by without as much as a mention. Shame. Shame.

Now that we are well into the summer of 2016, I want to rectify that foolish mistake. That's just part of my DNA, wanting to make things right that "I" screwed up to begin with. Hopefully, my friends who are big fans of baseball will forgive me.

The name of this hub is obvious . . .

Things You Are Not Advised To Do At A Baseball Game

Robin Meade  of Morning Express  on HLN
Robin Meade of Morning Express on HLN | Source
Baseball card collecting is a multi-million dollar industry
Baseball card collecting is a multi-million dollar industry | Source
 Baseball superstar, Barry Bonds
Baseball superstar, Barry Bonds | Source
Vintage baseball scene
Vintage baseball scene | Source
Baseball  legend, Lou Gehrig
Baseball legend, Lou Gehrig | Source
Mark McGuire, homerun hitting  leader
Mark McGuire, homerun hitting leader | Source
This item evolved quickly into our nation's past time
This item evolved quickly into our nation's past time | Source
A well-worn fielder's glove
A well-worn fielder's glove | Source
Legendary Chicago Cubs announcer, Harry Carey
Legendary Chicago Cubs announcer, Harry Carey | Source
Female baseball umpire
Female baseball umpire | Source
 Legendary  Babe Ruth, the Bambino
Legendary Babe Ruth, the Bambino | Source

Stuffing Your Pants - - with pint bottles of whiskey or beer because of the thrill of getting away with such a unique crime. Ahhh, yes. Modern-day bootlegging. Another reason you are trying to smuggle booze into a baseball game is really understandable. You are weary (like all of the other beer drinkers at a baseball game) of paying a vendor $10.00 per beer. Good luck.

Taping Various Kinds - - of tasty sandwiches to your body. This might work even if you are scanned at the ticket gate to see if you are "packing heat." But if caught by food vendors (who charge $10 per moist tuna fish sandwich), you might be told to leave the premises.

Trying To Get - - a game craps started in the stands. Now think of it. You and the gamble-crazed people on your knees in the stands at Yankee Stadium throwing dice in hopes to win a big jackpot. This will get you on the CNN evening news, and if you are lucky, on HLN with Robin Meade, but if you are caught, I do not really think you will go to jail.

Bringing - - a dozen baseballs hidden in your coat pocket to throw out to the players. The fans will go nuts at seeing a guy like you, instead of waiting patiently for a ball to come your way so you can catch it for a souvenir, you throw baseballs to the infielder's who are closer to you. Oh, I'd love to see the looks on the umpires' faces.

Jumping Over - - the barrier in the stands that keeps you and other fans safe, to charge onto the field yelling, "I am Aber Doubleday's great, great nephew," to the top of your lungs. Another way to get on ESPN's "Top 10 Worst Plays of The Weekend," or on HLN with Robin Meade during the sports section. You might have to pay a small fine, but since you are not armed or drunk, just expect a slap on the wrist with a stern warning from the police.

Standing To Your Feet - - and yelling while waving your arms frantically, "What a lousy game!" might get you some instant attention, but most of the fans around you will applaud as the security officers escort you out of the stadium.

Bear Hugging - - every pretty girl fan who is sitting near you is NOT advised. The girl could easily sue you for sexual harassment and win. Big.

Passionately Kissing - - every pretty girl fan who is sitting near you is definitely NOT advised. Yep. Again, you could lose in a lawsuit filed by ever how many girls you actually get to kiss.

Pouring Beer - - on the heads of fans sitting below you is not only very foolish, but seriously NOT advised. NOTE to the one reading this hub: you are not by chance, a guy (or girl) who does not say no to taking any dare from friends who go with you to sporting events, are you?

Reaching Into - - the packages of people next to you who have spent $10.00 per package of hot, tasty cheese nachos and helping yourself while the fans' face turns a blood red. Not a smart move.

Bringing A - - bullhorn into the baseball game that you have smuggled in your pants then using it to blare out vulgar statements to the players on the field WILL get you arrested. And no, neither me or HubPages will not pay your bail.

When The - - television camera pans the crowd (where you are sitting) and you stand up and moon the television audience, well needless to say, if some modern-day producers are planning a remake of "Animal House," you are set for the role of "Bluto."

Laying Down - - in the laps of fans sitting on the same row as you will get you two things: One, cursed out by the fans and two, arrested for being a public nuisance.

Acting Like - - you are in the role of Ron Ely, who was one of the guys who played "Tarzan, of The Apes," and diving onto the field will cause the crowd to gasp in surprise and you might get a serious bodily injury. If you love "Tarzan," that much, just stand up and do the famous "Tarzan" yell and sit back down.

Doing Your - - impression of a beaver and chewing at the ankles of the fans sitting near you will get you tossed into the jailhouse, but you might be discovered by some Hollywood talent scout and make it big in the film industry as Marvel Comics' newest hero: "Beaver Man." Hey, it could happen.

Sneaking Into - - the broadcaster's booth and taking over the broadcast will cause the security officers to call Homeland Security plus a police psychiatrist and you do not want to mess with either. Even doing a textbook impression of Harry Carey, the "voice of The Chicago Cubs," cannot save you.

The end.

"Thank you for reading this piece and now, batter up."

Good night, St. Paul.

What the man in this video is doing is not advised for you to do

© 2016 Kenneth Avery

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