Seven Hilarious Golf Jokes You Haven't Heard
If things aren't going right for you on the course, tell a golf joke.
This bestselling book has new golf jokes.
To the Clubhouse for #7
Those Club meetings can be contested at times....
Jack and his wife Jane were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in the golf clubhouse dining room.
“Jane after all these years, I was wondering if you ever were unfaithful to me.”
“Oh, Jack, I don’t want to talk about…”
“Jane, I really want to know.”
“Oh, alright. Three times.”
“Three? Okay, when were they,” asked Jack?
“Well Jack, remember when we first got married you really needed a loan to start your business and no bank would touch you? Well, remember the chief bank loan officer came over to the house with a check for you and had you sign all the loan papers?”
“Oh, Jane, you did that for me? I think even more of you now…but when was the second time?”
Remember when you had your heart attack and were close to death? No one wanted to operate on you. Then the best cardiac surgeon in town suddenly appeared and operated on you?”
“Oh, gosh Jane, I love you so much. You saved my life. So, when was the third time?”
“Well, Jack, remember last year when you wanted to be golf club captain and you were 27 votes short?”
Next we go to the Clubhouse Bar for #6
"Oh? Is this your wife? Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity." - Rodney Dangerfield, Caddyshack.
A golfer finished his round and went to the clubhouse for a beer. He sits down and sees a huge ugly overweight guy talking to a very attractive woman. He thinks "yeah right.”
Suddenly the girl slaps the huge man. The huge guy turns back to his beer laughing. After a little while he looks back -- and to his amazement, the girl and the huge guy are now really chummy and later they leave the bar together. The guy thinks what the hell? . . .
A few days go by and the guy walks into the clubhouse after another round and the same scenario repeats itself -- with the huge fat guy, this time with a different girl -- the hottest in the bar and he watches the same thing unfold and the girl slaps the guy. The guy then says something, the girl melts and they leave the bar together. Now the golfer is totally confused.
A week later the same golfer again walks into the clubhouse bar after finishing a round and sees the huge ugly guy again sitting by himself. He walks up to the huge guy and says, “I see you in here hooking up with beautiful women and, well . . . you must have a very unusual method for doing it . . . what’s your secret?
The huge guy says, “I really shouldn't tell you, it’s a family secret.”
“Please, I’ve got to know.”
“Okay, since I'm leaving town tomorrow I’ll tell you. What I do is tell her something extremely offensive like, ‘tickle your butt with a feather?’ and the girl usually freaks out or slaps me. And then I say "whoa whoa, all I said was isn't it nice weather we're having. At which point she feels guilty for having slapped me. I use that guilt to get her in bed with me.”
The guy replies, “and that works for you?”
“Yeah, every time, the guy replies. “Go try it yourself!”
So the golfer gets off the bar stool and walks up to the hottest girl in the bar, taps her on the shoulder and she turns around. He says, “Slap your head with a nine iron?”
The woman looks astonished and says, WHAT DID YOU SAY??”
The guy replies, “I said it’s friggin rainin’ outside.”
To the Club Locker Room for #5
Leave your mobile phone in the car....
Several golfers are in the locker room getting ready to play when a mobile phone on a bench rings. One of the guys picks it up and answers it. Everyone else in the locker room stops to listen.
Woman: Hi Honey, it’s me are you at the club?
Woman: I’m at the mall and found this beautiful coat. It’s only $900. Okay if I buy it?
Golfer: Sure, go ahead if you really like it.
Woman: I stopped at the Jaguar dealership and they’ve got a brand new F-Type in and I really like it.
Golfer: How much is it?
Golfer: Well okay buy it but make sure you get all the options.
Woman: Fantastic! Oh, one more thing. The house we saw last year is back on the market and the dropped the price to $1.1 million.
Golfer: Well go ahead and offer $1,050,000 and see if they take it. If not give them full price.
Woman: That’s great! Will do. I love you honey. You are so good to me!
Golfer: Well you’re worth every penny. Love you too. Bye.
The golfer hangs up. The other guys in the locker room are speechless and staring at him with their mouths open.
The golfer looks at them and says, “Anybody know whose phone this is?”
To The Rough for #4
Old retired Lawyers love to debate....
Two very old retired lawyers went golfing and both sliced their drives. They were deep in the rough searching for their errant tee shots. Neither of them wanted to lose a new ball so they searched and searched and eventually wandered off the golf course and came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first old lawyer announced, "My ball hit these tracks and probably rolled down this way somewhere and I’m going to follow these tracks.
The second old lawyer responded, "Our golf balls couldn’t possibly go that way down these tracks – at least not very far and I’m not going to waste my round searching for your fucking ball in that direction. Besides any idiot could easily see by looking at the level of the land our balls probably went the opposite way!”
Each old attorney believed himself to have the superior analysis of the situation and they both bitterly argued on and on. Neither of them would back off from their argument. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
For Golf Widows #3
I know it's hard to believe but it's tough to get my wife to clean my golf shoes....
An old retired golfer gave some good advice:
“It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
“Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Matilda:
“When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for her to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. Instead I tell her to take her time and to wake me when she puts the dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the Café at the Club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for a home cooked dinner when I come home.
“She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s usual for the dishes to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can diplomatically, by reminding her several times each evening that ‘The dishes won’t clean themselves.’ I know she really appreciates this as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
“Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say it is difficult for her to find the time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer her encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she wouldn’t have to rush so much. I remind her that missing her lunch completely now and then won’t hurt her, if you know what I mean.
“I like to think that tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the backyard. I try not to make a scene. I am a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed Lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she’s making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Denise. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Some will find it impossible!
“Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get when they get older. However guys, even if you use just a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider writing it, was well worthwhile. After all, we were put on this earth to help each other.”
A week later, the narrator of this story died suddenly of a perforated rectum. He had a 48 inch Driver jammed up his butt head first with only a few inches of the grip sticking out.. There was a sledge hammer found next to him. His wife, Matilda, was arrested and charged with murder but the all women jury took only 10 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defense her husband, somehow without looking, accidently sat down on his own golf club.
To The One and Only John Daly for #2
“I have to drink it slowly and not out of a can. I need some ice. I use to have 26-28 cans a day. Now I have 10-12 at most.” -John Daly
John Daly walks into the clubhouse bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So John asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender says, “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make her have one and make things right for her.”
John says, “Well, I’ve done some outrageous things in my life, but as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then it gets crazier from there.”
Well, as time goes on John drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?” He grabs the gallon of pepper tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears are now streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, and then silence. John staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches were all over his body.
“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
Back to the Course for #1
"That's right, your honor, a frog...."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole a 220 yard par 3. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3-wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $10,000, black 6."
Now, this is a risky with a very slim chance to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the hell. Boom – piles and piles of chips come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 17-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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