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Ultima Lucha Tres: Part Four Preview
The time has come sports fans. I know; I didn’t want it to either but as the old saying goes, nothing lasts forever. In a little more than 24 hours, Lucha Underground will televise the final part of Ultima Lucha Tres, the last episode of season three. And yes, that’s why I’m playing The Doors “The End” for this column, not because season four still hasn’t been green lit. While I’m well aware of the gloom and doom, dwelling on it will do us no good; not on the day before Ultima Lucha day! The future can be discussed in the future, whereas right now it’s best for us to focus on what should be the concluding chapter to one of the best wrestling events of the year. Like the previous season finales, part four of Ultima Lucha Tres will go two hours. It will feature three matches that have some excellent stories attached to them (even if they’ve sometimes been hard to keep track of) and the potential to deliver Rooney Mara in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo quality work. We have the likely reappearances of dudes like Daga and King Cuerno in backstage scenes teased in the long ago (in a galaxy far, far away) LU season three trailer. And knowing LU, there’s probably more twist and turns in the works. So for now, let’s stop worrying about LU’s future and worry about the present, and the potential things they’re setting up for a season four. In other words, let’s enjoy this all while we can, and let’s start by breaking down this rad, rad show. Moses, wipe the tears from your eyes and meme on through.
Steel Cage Match
El Dragon Azteca Jr. vs. Matanza
What to Expect: Can you believe we live in a world where this match, a steel cage match between a reckless youngster thirsty for revenge and the most diabolical hater since the so called Beautiful, is potentially only the third most violent match on this show? There’s quite a few threads leading into this bad boy, but the main story is that Matanza (eater of people that he is) has made life a living hell for Azteca all season, throwing him through bleachers and taking out his mentor Rey Mysterio Jr. I mean sure, Azteca brought the first one on himself and all by acting like Robin in Batman and Robin (he blames Matanza and Dario Cueto for the death of his maestro, El Dragon Azteca Sr.) but that doesn’t mean he deserved to go through bleachers; that sort of thing is only reserved for evil bastards like Harvey Weinstein. The good news is that there’s little to no chance Azteca goes through the bleachers in this match as he looks to get his revenge. The bad news is that he’s in cage with a Matanza who is rage quitting like never before and will probably be looking to wipe Azteca off the face of the earth. In other words, the only way Azteca is getting revenge is if he morphs into Superman, picks up a Kryptonian spear and sticks Matanza through with it. And that didn’t exactly work out for Supes either! At least it’ll be a fun ride down before that; Matanza is as reliable a workhorse as they come and Azteca will be trying hard here because it is the biggest match of his life in many ways. Expect a lot of high spots, a lot of carnage and probably one moment where we all collectively start typing out Azteca’s eulogy.
Winner: Azteca has yet to get a big win in Lucha Underground and Matanza has yet to lose a match that didn’t involve 19 other luchadors spamming finishers on him before Rey Mysterio hit a Code Red. Thus you can see why it makes sense for Azteca to get the win, especially since he’s a lock to be around for LU season four while Matanza…let’s just say the odds aren’t as good. But Matanza has a renewed mean streak since Dario released him from his cage and Azteca is enough of a reckless noob that it’s hard to completely feel confident in him winning. So I say Matanza takes home the big one after Azteca goes for a ridiculous move, crashes and burns and then gets gobbled up by the Wrath of the Gods. Somehow this will all look tame by the time the show is over.
Triple Threat Match for the Almighty Power Glove
Cage vs. Jeremiah Crane vs. Mil Muertes
What to Expect: The official record will show that this match is for a power gauntlet that holds God like powers. Us true believers know that this is in fact Lucas Barton’s Power Glove from the Unintentional Comedy masterpiece The Wizard, a glove stolen from Lucas by either Dario Cueto or this mysterious lord character who hangs out with Lorenzo Llamas and Godfrey, who then blessed it with the power of the Aztec Gods and started calling it a gauntlet. Now everyone wants it, because of course they do. Look at Lucas speak glowingly about the damn thing if you need proof!
YOU TELL ‘EM LUCAS! Anyway, the glove was won by Cage in a Best of Five series against Texano, turning him from a nice if aggressive dude into the asteroid from Armageddon, if said asteroid went around squashing dudes eyeballs and bragged about being a machine. As Cage got more powerful, folks in the Boyle Heights area got twitchier, most notably Dario and the immortal police Officer Captain Vasquez. Wanting to prevent whatever the hell the glove was planning to do to Cage, Vasquez convinced the phantom bride herself Catrina (her daughter for those keeping score at home) to retrieve the glove. And that’s where things get crowded, for when Catrina wants something, Mil Muertes wants it too. So does Jeremiah Crane, a dude so hopeless for Catrina he’s done everything but pull off the heavy metal version of Say Anything’s boom box scene to win her over. The three eventually came to blows over the glove, allowing Dario to take it while they were rough housing and reset things by booking all three guys in a triple threat, winner takes glove match. Of course El Jefe and the lord (who approved of this development) have done this all with the idea that they’ll still have control of the glove and the luchador who wields it, unaware that one of the competitors wants the glove to give to Catrina while another wants it to woo her, which by extension means he’s giving it to her. It’s probably a good thing this lord guy will be at this match then to make sure things get out of hand. Oh yeah, that’s happening too! Are you keeping up with everything?!
So yeah, that’s the complicated view of this match’s story. The simple one is that Crane is fighting for love (the sick, twisted version, but love none the less), Mil is fighting to please his woman (so also love!) and Crane is fighting for, as Lindsey Lohan in the Robot Chicken Highlander skit would say, UNLIMITED POWAH!!!!!! And yes, power was pronounced Scott Steiner style at the end. In any event these motivations, along with the fact that all three guys are really, REALLY good, should lead to a pretty violent, epic encounter. There’s a 100% chance Crane is going to do something utterly insane, an even greater chance that Mil and Cage will bring the house down (perhaps just by staring at each other) and an over 9,000% chance that there will be involvement from both Catrina AND Ivelisse, who you may recall has reason to be ticked off with Crane after he Nancy Kerrigan’d her ankle two weeks ago. And that’s before you get into the mysterious lord’s possible involvement or an appearance from someone like King Cuerno, a dude we know is showing up eventually and who has a serious bone to pick with Mil Muertes. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this battle for the power glove will just like the story of the power glove; head spinning, somewhat confusing, overbooked, glorious and ultra violent. I don’t quote Samuel L. Jackson often (alright, that’s a lie) but I’ll be doing so before this match. Hold on to your butts!
Winner: We could spend hours going over every possible result for this match, including the likelihood that someone not even in it walks out with the Power Glove (highly possible). For now let’s just break down who could win. Crane failing to prove himself to Catrina by losing seems a better story than him winning, so he’s out, leaving Cage and Mil as the likely winners. Both guys make sense; Cage winning presents the same problem we already had where he’s an out of control locomotive who Dario, the lord and their minions can’t reign in. Likewise, Mil presents the same problem, as well as the possibilities of him and Catrina handing the glove over to Captain Vasquez OR keeping the glove for himself, turning Mil Muertes into (gulp) and even more powerful figure than he already is. Think Doomsday and Immortan Joe rolled into one. That’s almost a little too much overkill, so I say that Cage will pull it out after good ole Deer Antlers does in fact reappear and costs Mil the match. Unfortunately for Cage, Dario, the lord and company will run off with the glove before Cage can claim his prize, beginning Cage’s quest for the glove throughout season four. Was that optimism I just displayed?!
Career vs. Title Match for the Lucha Underground Championship
Johnny Mundo (c) vs. Prince Puma
What to Expect: If this is indeed Prince Puma’s last match (and I’m thinking it is) and the last match in Lucha Underground history (NO! GRODD PLEASE NO!), is there a more appropriate way for him to go out than against Johnny Mundo? There hasn’t been a ton of build up to this match since both men walked out victorious at the Cueto Cup final but there frankly doesn’t need to be; the history between Puma and Mundo goes all the way back to Lucha Underground’s first episode where they served as LU’s first headlining match. Since then the two have gone on to be two of LU’s most dependable stars while producing several classic matches against each other, including that first ever main event, a triple threat ladder match involving future Lucha Underground Hall of Famer Big Ryck, Aztec Warfare and the first ever All Night Long match. And now it all comes down to this. If Johnny Mundo loses, so ends his near season long stranglehold over the title, where he’s fought, cheated and cheated some more to keep. And if Puma loses…well let’s just say he’s getting an all paid expense package out of the Temple and to wherever it is Chavo Guerrero Jr. spends his days. If only Puma had planned out his future like that Ricochet guy who’s going to WWE soon; then he’d be the guy taking Neville’s job as “dude who puts over Enzo Amore till the bombs start flashing.”
So yeah, there’s a shit ton of urgency in this match. And that’s before we get into the dark cloud hanging over it in the form of Vampiro and Pentagon Dark, the former who revealed last week that is tutelage of Puma has all been a shame (the bidding of some unknown master) and the latter who won the Gift of the Gods Championship last week. It’s extremely likely one of those factors will come into play during this match (and frankly, I wouldn’t doubt if the two issues go hand in hand), which means Mundo chances of winning and Puma’s chances of still being employed become slimmer than Fat Bastard after the Subway diet (excess skin and all). Regardless of whether it’s a straight singles match between Puma and Mundo, a triple threat match featuring Pentagon, a fatal four way match featuring Pentagon and Vampiro (that sound you hear is Rob Viper clawing his eyes out at the thought of that) or something else entirely, I see no reason to believe this won’t be highly dramatic and off the charts awesome. It’s Prince Puma and Johnny Mundo guys; they’ve never had a bad match together and I don’t think that’s starting now unless the Worldwide Underground is getting heavily involved (and even then I don’t think it’ll harm things too much, much like Alberto El Patron’s interference didn’t hurt All Night Long). Throw Pentagon in there and it gets even better. The point is that this match should be fantastic, would be fantastic without all the huge stakes surrounding it and will feel absolutely huge thanks to the emotion from the crowd, who will undoubtedly be on their seat thanks to the possibilities. I have a good idea of what will happen and I think most others do too. But regardless of how this plays out, this match, this finale to season three (and possibly Lucha Underground itself) should prove to be a moment that none of us will soon forget. I’m getting chills just thinking about it right now!
Winner: Whatever LU is going to do, I just know that it won’t involve Johnny Mundo walking out as champion. It’s time; Mundo has done a great job being an awesome rudo champ but there’s only so long you can keep that up before the Worldwide Underground shtick gets old (and many would argue it already has). So Mundo is losing; the question is to whom? The triple threat idea to get Pentagon involved makes most sense to me, but there’s also already another triple threat match on the show (a match that also features it’s fair share of overbooking), which makes another one seem unlikely. So with that in mind, I’m going to go with this scenario; Prince Puma will save his career and defeat Johnny Mundo to win the Lucha Underground Championship. Before he can celebrate though, Pentagon will come out and reveal he’s cashing in his Gift of the Gods title for a shot at the LU title (which he’ll be able to do thanks to an internet exclusive clip that shows someone entering Dario Cueto’s office as he hypes up the show. Who else could it be but Pentagon?). Pentagon and Puma will then have a match and, in a move many have long awaited, Pentagon will defeat Puma to finally become Lucha Underground Champion in what might be the loudest moment in LU history. There are still some questions to be answered, like how Vampiro will factor in (if at all). But the main goals will be completed; Mundo will have lost the title, Puma will have the loophole to get back into LU if he so desires (after all, the career stipulation was for the Mundo match, not against Pentagon) and Pentagon will finally be crowned the top guy of LU. Excuse me while I go prepare the celebration party now.
That’s it sports fans. Here’s hoping this isn’t the last Lucha Underground preview I ever do. Luckily it won’t be the last LU article I ever do, as I’ll be back tomorrow to review the show, and I’ll more than likely have something on Thursday in regards to LU. I’ll also be back tonight to talk CMLL Tuesday and the return of MAGNUS! Good stuff. Till then, THIS!