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Ultima Lucha Dos Part 1: The Doctor is In!

Updated on July 6, 2016

OHHHHHH HOLY SHIT! Ladies and gentlemen I seen Alkaline Trio in concert, I have been to the top of Mt. Washington (I know, who hasn’t); I’ve even seen a grown man satisfy a camel (just kidding. Or am I?!). Tonight’s first part of Ultima Lucha Dos was better than all of them. Hell it might’ve been better than part one Ultima Lucha Uno, though a rewatch will have to determine that. At worst, this was a highly entertaining, fun, off the wall first hour of the Grand Papi of Them All that was all about the 4 A Unique Opportunity Tournament. It featured a great match, a really good match, the greatest twist since we found out it was Mr. Glass all along and the greatest debut since Edward Furlong in T2: Judgment Day. Twas good folks. Let’s not waste time; Moses, take the medicine and post the meme. DAMMIT I’VE ALREAY SAID TOO MUCH!

Falls Count Anywhere Match

The Mack defeated Cage

I’m going to start a petition that orders Lucha Underground to open every Ultima Lucha with Mack and Cage fighting each other in a Falls Count Anywhere match. That’s right folks; it was that good AGAIN! I wasn’t surprised that El Jefe came out and made this match Falls Count Anywhere in homage to last year’s bout, and I wasn’t surprised this match ruled; of course Big Willie and the Machine can be counted on to deliver against each other. But my goodness, this was even better than last year. It was the perfect combination of two men raising the bar from the work they did last year while also paying homage to what made that match so great. We saw the return of the stop sign and Big Willie’s beer bash, while also getting our first glimpse of Mack FROGSPLASHING CAGE FROM THE CROWD THROUGH A TABLE and Cage POWERBOMBING MACK THROUGH CHAIRS! Sorry, just marked out a bit there. Arguably the best part of the match was the finish, where Mack was able to roll up Cage for the victory after Cage slipped on the spilt beer outside the ring. THE BEER BASH WORKED AFTER ALL! Overall just a whole lot of fun, an improvement over a great match from last year’s show and further proof we just need these guys to do this once a year. I’m not alone in that line of thought right?!

Boyle Heights Bar Fight

Son of Havoc defeated Texano

In some respects I feel bad for both Havoc and Texano here; regardless of what these two did there was no way they were following the awesomeness that was Cage-Mack II: Microwave Boogaloo. Damned if they didn’t try their hardest to equal the opener’s chaos though. This was a fun brawl as well, with Havoc dominating the action and Texano delivering one of the greatest selling performances in recent memory (Taya’s work against Cage also comes to mind there). Seriously, Texano didn’t just take the usual weapon shots; the man went through wooden stools via hurricanrana, got hit with two moonsaults (tame by comparison but still!), was thrown through a door, got dropkicked into a keg, fell on glass and was back dropped THROUGH THE MINI BAR EL JEFE SET UP OUTSIDE THE RING! There are troopers, there’s Super Troopers and then there’s Texano. Bravo to him for making Havoc look like a champ and bravo to Havoc for having his most entertaining singles performance in awhile (I especially loved his sequence where he wore the fireman’s helmet. Hilarious stuff). Best of all the right guy one; no offense to Texano but Havoc is beloved by the people and my goodness, who didn’t want to see Mack-Havoc in the main event? That’s like having the opportunity to take Anna Kendrick on a date and declining. Who does that? Besides Matt Mortensen of course!

4 A Unique Opportunity Tournament Final

Son of Havoc vs. The Mack

I don’t know if El Jefe was really craving violence tonight or just wanted to show off his suit to the Temple again (and in fairness, it was a nice suit) but the boss was out again before the main event to announce that this match too would be a Falls Count Anywhere match. I’m ultimately not sure why he did that as the match hardly left the ring and ended in the ring, but hey, we all make mistakes right? It could be worse; Dario could’ve left LU for a worse situation just because the money was better, like a certain dude who used to play for the Miami Heat just did!

Somewhere, Pat Riley is hiring someone to hunt Wade down!
Somewhere, Pat Riley is hiring someone to hunt Wade down!

Unfortunately for this hotly anticipated match we never got to see these two going full throttle. It was still plenty good; Mack was electric at times pulling out moves that guys of all sizes can barely do, Havoc was easily able to slide into the underdog role that made him so popular during the first two seasons and both men had good excuses for slowing the pace down and trying to end this quickly (they both had been through grueling matches prior to this after all). Ultimately what kept this match from being as great as it could be was the lack of time, and the match seemingly ended out of nowhere when Havoc pinned Mack following a shooting star press at around the 5 minute mark. It was a shame…until you realized the reason why this match went so short!

The Unique Opportunity is Revealed!

We all knew something was coming in regards to the big prize El Jefe was offering, mainly because a) its El Jefe and b) Dario appeared in every segment of this show (indicating he would be heavily involved with the grand finale). Sure enough we got a twist of the ages. Dario’s choice of prizes seemed to be tame at first; Havoc was given the choice of choosing between $250K or a contract for a Lucha Underground Championship at Ultima Lucha Tres. Talk about planning ahead right? Naturally the noble Havoc took the contract, and it was right then Dario pulled the curtain back and revealed the true twist; Havoc would have to wrestle one more match before he could guarantee himself a shot for the LU title next year. The next thing you know Famous B is standing at the top of the stairs, announces he has a new client and well…

Dr. Wagner Jr. defeated Son of Havoc

All apologies for the CAPS overload you’re about to see; FAMOUS B’S NEW CLIENT IS DR. WAGNER JR. HIMSELF! HOLY SHIT! Those of you who read my LU work often enough know that I LOVE the Good Doctor (I’ve written about him before after all) and I’ve been impatiently awaiting his arrival to the Temple. I never thought it would be as Famous B’s client (I figured Wagner was a shoe in to be the mysterious lord of Councilman Delgado), but I’ll definitely take it. With Famous as the mouthpiece combined with the ultra cool presence of the Good Doctor, this partnership should be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Well at least till Wagner takes Famous to the gym; can you believe the Good Doctor is 50?! The dude makes Twilight era Taylor Lautner look like the fattest man in the history of the western hemisphere!

Naturally a legend like Wagner in the Temple meant he was going to get a great pop in this situation and he did; unfortunately he was screwing over Havoc (the plucky technico) which worked against the initial response that LU surely hoped for. Thankfully, despite the limited amount of time, Wagner and Havoc were able to turn the crowd almost immediately, with Wagner showing off his great rudo ability and Havoc desperately trying to hold on to his opportunity. In the end it wasn’t enough; Wagner hit a sweet Wagner Driver to win the match, kill Havoc’s chances at an LU title shot and make Wagner, Famous and Brenda (yes Brenda was also there!) 250 thousand dollars richer! Not bad for the Good Doctor’s first night huh? It won’t get match of the year consideration, but this was an amazingly handled surprise that will go down as a top moment in LU history and successfully set up what should be a white hot season three feud between Wagner and Havoc. My goodness I’m crying tears of joy just thinking about it, although that could simply be because Wagner (who may I remind you again is 50 years old) is finally getting his long deserved shot in front of an American television audience. Well done Good Doctor; well done!

That’s it folks. I’m off to fly Matt Mortensen out to America so he can throw ice water onto me. I’m too wired to do it myself. Till next time, BIEN BIEN BIEN MOTHERTFUCKERS!

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