What Head Coaches Are Really Saying to Each Other at Midfield After The Game

It's Friday, 5 p.m., quitting time for you. What a tough week you have endured, but you did it. You are one great employee although you are the only one who thinks so. You are heading home and it hits you. This weekend is the "dream weekend" that you have prayed for during the last three to four years, and now, it's finally here. You can hardly contain your jubilation.

Your sweet wife has went to visit her mother who lives in Indianapolis, Indiana leaving you the house. Your kids are both at their respective colleges and there are no plans for any relatives or friends to drop-by for a visit. You are safe in tagging this weekend your "perfect weekend" in every way. All you have to do Saturday morning is do a few errands for your wife, pay a few bills, get a few groceries and you are "home free." Free to be yourself and do whatever you desire. In fact, you are so beside yourself with happiness, you do not what to do next.

Ah, ha. In the afternoon there is a huge college football game between Michigan and Ohio State and you have the 52" plasma all to yourself. After you store the groceries, all you need to do is change from your street clothes into some lounging clothes and you are ready to sit back and take-in what is probably the most-important college football game in the regular season. And you will be totally-uninterrupted.

You have a ball watching the game, munching cheese curls, and sipping cold Ginger ale and really having the time of your life. Now this exciting ballgame is nearing its end--the seconds are ticking down. Ten . . .nine . . .eight . . .and finally there it is. Game over. You are glad of who won. (I will not write that here for I might offend fans of the losing college). The two coaches, Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the Michigan Wolverines and Urban Meyer, head man for the Ohio State Buckeyes jog toward each other meeting at center field. They both are surrounded by members of the press, bodyguards, fans and players.

They embrace and you, with your super eyesight, notice that the coaches' lips are moving, but the network who broadcast the game, even with their great high-tech equipment cannot detect what they are saying. Oh, you guess at what they are having a dialogue about, but you know in your heart that you are incorrect.

And it is this way not just for you, but all football fans, both college and pro. Trying to figure out what the head coaches say to each other at game's end. This is a mystery. One that will drive you nuts. Face it. You hate not knowing what was said or not said between the two coaching icons.

The only one who might have a good idea of what the coaches said is yours truly. I am not bragging. So do not leave nasty comments at the bottom of this story. It's just that in my time, I have been around a lot of different people in various places--from dangerous to placid. I have learned a thing or two.

And now, "Mr. Football Fan," who had the "perfect weekend," I am proud to share with you . . .

What Head Coaches Are Really Saying to Each Other at Midfield After The Game

• "Are 'Ann' and I still coming to your house for brunch tomorrow?"
• "Dang it! My fly was open--probably all evening."
• "I saw your lips move at the first of the second half--you calling me a bum!"
• "Act upset. Your fans will love you for not loving the 66 to 3 loss."
• "I heard that you wife is cheating on you with the cafeteria manager."
• "What do you mean, I couldn't coach a hapless high school team?"
• "I like your shirt. Is it new?"
• "Haw, haw, coach, you have a lot of guts to try a fieldgoal from your 10-yard line."
• "Hey, what did that hot woman sitting above your team yell at you?"
• "You wanna meat me at Subway for dinner?"
• "I wish my college would air our games on NBC. At least "I" would be seen at some time."
• "I'm thinking of resigning at year's end and opening-up a sewer cleaning business."
• "Nice win, coach. Your 2-8 record will guarantee your job for another year."
• "Haw, ha, ha, coach. You aren't allowed to have your punter stand on the fence when he punts"
• "No, coach. This is a football game. Not a hockey game."
• "What luck! Coach, your falling down on your butt for no reason, will be on SportsCenter's "Not Top 10" tonight."
• "That was not Gatorade in my Gatorade shower. It felt more like kerosene. Coach, can you use me at Ohio State?"
• "I was just kidding when I said I could do better with 11 chimps."
• "Now let's smile and wave at that camera over there."
• "I can't help that my daughter is dating your oldest son."
• "What? I owe you fifty-bucks? Yes, we lost to Georgia, but when did I bet with you bet on the game?"
• "I heard that you were going on a long vacation. Do what? Oh, it was on television last night that the NCAA is going to visit your campus Monday."
• "Coach, why did you have to have to throw a brick at our mascot?"
• "You wanna Indian-wrestle in the locker room?"
• "Coach! Duck! Your fans are getting ready to toss some cups of beer at you for blowing this title game."

And the best one:

• "I should have said no to that athletic director who hired me for this "train wreck" of a college."

IN 1995, PENN STATE BLEW-OUT RUTGERS

And at game's end, Rutger's head coach, Doug Graber let then-Penn State head coach, Joe Paterno hear what he thought about what he thought was Penn State running-up the score in the game. With the score, he did have an argument.