What Would Have Happened if "I" had Become a Male Cheerleader?
Now Comes That Time
to ask a few serious, mind-probing questions. These questions are not designed to put anyone on a spot, be made to feel singled out and down right embarrassed. Here are the questions:
Do you think that male cheerleaders have taken (and are still taking) a bad rap?
Is there really anything wrong or illegal for going out for being a male cheerleader?
Is society so radically-bigoted that only pretty females can succeed as cheerleaders?
Not every piece that I publish should be considered as a comedy work. To me, this is as serious as it gets--but cannot compare (this hub) to a struggling space flight engineer who was the victim of down-sizing and hit the unemployment line only to work day and night in his basement until he came up with a fuel that is far more feasible and economical as liquid hydrogen that was formerly used on the Space Shuttle Program.
I despise it when I use those annoying run-on sentences.
Now that would easily shadow this story about how a guy would really feel if he were thrown into a pool of eager-minded females whose looks could grace any cover of Sports Illustrated or other magazine covers that I do not feel needs me to give them any time in my spotlight.
NOTE: you may want to pause right now and understand that I am writing this in first person, but this piece is not just for my followers, but for everyone on and off of HubPages. In the next few moments I am still going to be in first person and change from a real guy into a fantasy of when and if I had ever had a desire to become a male cheerleader. Thanks, Kenneth.
Everyone Take a Good Look
at this beautiful girl (above). She is in every way, pretty, talented, charming and best of all, she is the captain of her cheerleading squad. I put this photo and text here as to remind us all that "this" is how we all depict cheerleaders even today in 2017.
I Will Tell
you here and now that when I take that first scary step of putting my feet into the shoes of some eager guy who is just yearning to be a key cog in some successful cheer-leading squad, a squad that could easily win the National Championship of Cheerleaders. I have to hand it to myself for of all of the pretty females who were in the cheerleader try-out's, I was the best of all. Oh, the competition was tough, mind you, but I persevered and won my place on a mostly-female cheer-leading squad
And that Federal Law that I noticed posted on every wall of the gymnasium (where the try-out's were held) about the law that read something about Affirmative Action being able to help even a scared male without any athletic talent such as myself try to be a part of something that I had dreamed of being: a happy, popular male cheerleader. What a great day to be alive if this were a true event.
I cannot lie to you. When I first started thinking about being a male cheerleader, I had to practice in secret--in my backyard with a few look-out's who would whistle if a gang of male bullies were to come near where I was practicing. Oh, my look-outs would have to be my two (real) cousins, "Linda," and "Debbie," and these are their real names. Why did I fear the male bullies? Well, honestly, in my day, long, long ago, male bullies were just that. All male. And they thrived on the feeding and beating up of any or all males who even spoke those words of taboo: male cheerleading. But the truth be known. "Linda" and "Debbie" could hold themselves tough in any street fight against this or any male bully gang.
Guess Who? Care to Guess?
Attention All Honest Guys: Did You or Did You, When You Were Young, Want to be a Male Cheerleader?
Here I am (or There) Living my Dream
at Division I college (e.g. Florida; Georgia; Ohio State) and I have just been notified by our cheerleader sponsor that I made the squad and my sponsor, (a) "Ms. Swathersouth," a very liberal-thinking young woman in her middle 30s then urged me to celebrate the fact that I had made it in one of the toughest cheerleading squad in the bottom of the top 20 cheerleading squads in Middle America.
With "Ms. Swatersouth" now leaving me so she could start filling out our practice schedules, I was so full of happiness I was ready to celebrate my milestone victory, but one thing stood in my way: I could not find anyone, male or female who would join me in celebrating my first step in being a popular college male cheerleader.
Even this did not damper my excitement. So what did I do? I started doing what exercises that I had learned from a certain high school cheerleader who came to our home (years ago) after school to teach me some cheerleader moves all in secret for fear that I would have my butt beaten to a frazzle and her being dubbed as an outcast. But I did latch on a few slick moves that I could use in my male cheerleading routines in my next four years.
I used the tried and true somersalt over the floor and land on my feet. Along with this key move, I learned how to keep that huge smile fixed to my face and the look of being positive set into my facial expression. When it came to clapping and firing up a crowd, I was the man. Literally. So I was not completely without any cheerleading experience. I was now feeling pretty good about myself.
So now With
my victory to being the only male cheerleader on the squad, I had some serious questions to consider before I attended out next practice.
What Would be The Pro's in My Male Cheerleading Career?
My Wardrobe: hot pink, mauve or a hot purple? For my practices I would wear pink loafers with matching silk trousers cut right at the knee and fringe on the sides. For my shirt, I would wear a simple purple tank top with a pink heart on the chest to symbolize unity among cheerleaders.
My Identity: of "Kenneth 'Tiger' Avery," was out, so I made a quick list of male cheerleader names: "Lawrence Pansy," "Biff Langston," "Chuckie Clark," to name a few. But I had a safety valve just in case these male cheerleading names were not copasetic with the cheerleading squad. I would simply adapt the name, "Todd Larkin." Easy to say. Hard to pick out in an angry crowd especially if I were on the losing side of a football team whose cheerleaders did not support me in my male cheerleading adventures.
Instant Popularity: would surely be mine for the losing as "Ms. Swarthsouth," the cheerleader sponsor, told me that I was now an instant hero to all males who had a secret dream to lead cheers in a big game. I would be able to walk on our campus and hear, "Hi, Todd!" or "Hey, looking good, 'Biff!'" and with each greeting, I would thank the students who supported me and I knew that I was going places by being the only male on an all-female cheer squad. Actually, I felt a bit cocky at knowing such fame was so easy to achieve.
What Would be The Con's in My Male Cheerleading Career?
Bonding: with the other female cheerleaders could be tougher than I had expected. When these hot, pretty cheerleaders were going to meet in someone's dorm room and just talk things out, where would that put me being the only guy? Would I be expected to know all about a female's "time of the month" in elaborate details including the best tampon to purchase? Even worse, would I be expected to wear a name-brand tampon although I was a male through and through? I was scared. What if these girls brought up a mysterious medical problem called, "Sympathy Period Cramps," that accompany a woman carrying a baby and her husband feeling her pain, but only through sympathy? I put this item to a lot of thought and I came up with the answer: I do not have to hang out every living moment with those hot, pretty blond and brunette cheerleaders. No, sir. When they have "that time of the month," I will have a believable excuse for me to use so I won't have to act like I have "Sympathy Period Cramps."
Social Interaction: for a male cheerleader is not easy. When I was not practicing with the cheerleaders for our next game, was I supposed to date a female cheerleader or majorette or a male cheerleader or majorette? Being that I was not gay, this was a very touchy situation, but where there's a will, there's way. So if this sticky sittuation came up, I knew what I would do: stay in my dorm and write letters to my parents and study. So what if I was nick-named, "Ken, The Book Worm," a male cheerleader? I can tell you of worse nick names. To make points with my cheerleader friends, I would always smile in a wide fashion and say, "Man, "Jodie," you sure have strong thighs!" And then let their egos do the rest.
Physical Prowess: for me would not be without trouble. During this time of my studying to be a male cheerleader, I was not in the best of shapes. I loved Little Debbie snack cakes with a passion and of course (along with my after-school bag of Cheeto-s) this gave me a big girth and little or no physical shape--so me trying to lift up (and catching) cheerleaders who specialized in building pyramids would definitely be a problem. I knew the solution: I would always stand behind the pretty female cheerleaders and look peppy as they caught "Trish" in their arms while I jumped and clapped my hands just like any female cheerleader would in any game or competition.
Personal Situations About Being a Male Cheerleader Before Graduation:
At Holidays: like Christmas and Thanksgiving, I would be in dread for these days with my family. You see, my family thought that I went off to college to be a CPA, so telling them the truth about me really being a male cheerleader would be detrimental. What if my "Uncle Jimmy Bob," who lettered in four sports, was an All-American quarterback on two college championship teams, were to ask, "Ken, tell me the truth. What does a CPA really do?" I would cough, look at the ground and reply, "Uh, well, I am responsible for helping the pretty girl cheerleaders with their practices and routines and going with them on road trips to encourage the cheer squad." "Do all of the CPA's like you also wear a skirt like the other cheerleaders do?" "Uncle Jimmy Bob" asked. Suddenly I acted like I was choking on a turkey wing and used this as a diversion for me to escape what might have been a nasty scene.
Job Interviews: when each semester would end, I would be in need of a job in order to finance my college education. So when I would be asked by the man doing the hiring for a job opening, "Ken, do you have any experience?" I would look him into the eyes and without saying a word reply, "Well, sir. I have been a male cheerleader up north a ways in a college institution. Does that count?" When I saw the job applicant being torn to pieces by the man doing the hiring, there would be no need for any more words from me.
Introductions: from me to other people that my parents knew (when I was between semesters), this might be how that uneasy event might transpire. Friend of My Family: "Wy,' is this little Ken? I haven't seen him in years." My Mom: "Yes, 'Marlene,' you know little Ken. He graduated high school and now is studying in a big college to be a CPA," "Marlene's" Son: "Mom, this little Ken here. He looks like one of them male cheerleaders that some of my bully friends told me about. Is this right, little Ken?" Then I would act like I was having a mysterious coughing attack letting this be a diversion for my mom to take me to the emergency room.
It Would be the Truth That
when I would try to be a male cheerleader in a time when society had not yet accepted males to be on all-female cheer squads, these would be jobs for me that would be off limits:
- Farm hand
- Auto mechanic
- Hardware clerk
- Sanitation worker
- Steel worker
to give you a small sample of jobs of how tough it might be if I were to see this thing to fruition of being a male cheerleader.
Things a Male Cheerleader
suffered as he (or myself in this dream) kept he course, braved the persecution of being the only male in a society of all-girl cheerleaders:
He took numerous beatings after cheerleading practice.
Endured many ugly threats via phone.
His own parents used this male cheerleader to extinguish flaming paper bags of cow manure thrown on his parent's front porch by angry male students who only wanted to run him out of town.
Took away every chance of him ever having a lasting relationship with a female.
To be quite honest and to-the-point, if this hub has opened my eyes to one thing, it's this: You remember that in this piece, George W. Bush was a pretty successful male cheerleader as well as the late Jimmy Stewart who was more than a Hollywood actor. He was an icon of the film industry.
So if I had been brave enough and had guts enough to actually brave all of the ignorance and misunderstanding that went with being a male cheerleader, and make it through all of this conflict, then this story would point to the fact that I would have made a great president or Hollywood actor.
© 2017 Kenneth Avery