Golf n' Giggles
Welcome to Golf n' Giggles!
This light-hearted lens takes a look at the what makes people want to 1) whack a little white ball into wee holes on the back forty, 2) bluster and blaspheme about a blinking bunker, and 3) sweat their blessed brows -- all in the name of scoring a few blooming birdies!
Frankly, this game should be taken with a grain of salt, which is why many funnbone folks think giggles and guffaws are the only way to appreciate one of the truly amazing absurdities of life...golf!
Image Credit: www.bogiegolf.com
OOH LA LA - Stop Tees-ing Me!
A very big thank you to the terrific team at Squidoo.com for the esteemed "PURPLE STAR AWARD" and for making this tantalizingly titillating tee shot possible!
HOW THE GAME OF GOLF WAS INVENTED:
According to J.R.R. Tolkien, author of "The Hobbit"
"If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfibul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf was invented at the same moment."
TEN FUNNY FACTS ABOUT GOLF - And ten things that make just tickle your fancy too!
1. Early shepherds may have used their curved staffs to hit stones into rabbit holes in a simple game of "golf" as early as 2,000 years ago (which is probably why so many golfers today drift off to sleep these days counting sheep or wondering if Jesus ever took time out from preaching to play a round of golf).
2. A more structured version of golf was invented in Scotland nearly 1,000 years ago, (along with kilts, bagpipes and haggis which few folks admit to wearing, playing or eating today).
3. The first golf balls were made of thin leather, tightly packed with feathers to make them fly far. These "birdy" balls were used until 1848 when they were made from "gutta-percha." Sap was drained from trees in Malaysia and boiled until thick. When hard, this substance was made into "gutty" balls... (not to be confused with "gummy" bears invented by Americans and chewed by grumpy golfers who tired of dropping their balls in the rough).
4. Some older golfers try to match their age to their golf score. The oldest golfer to "shoot his age" was a 103-year-old "Crazy Canuck by the name of C. Arthur Thompson (1869-1975) of Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, who scored 103 on the Uplands course of 6,215 yd, age 103 in 1973.
5. There are 336 dimples in a regulation golf ball (which is a darn sight more than one in the chin of or cheeks some folks).
6. The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz. (which means they're wee and when they're lost, they're damned hard to find).
7. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has the most mini golf courses in the country (but then South Carolina is home to an odd place named "Sugar Tit" (and one has to wonder what they're truly famous for).
8. They say that in life as in everything "size counts", so it's not surprising that golf balls used in the U.S.A. are bigger than ones used in Canada or Europe (...otherwise they might not be able to hit the broad side of a barn door?)
9. Americans spend more than $630 million a year on golf balls (perhaps a good deal less than the billions earned from the sale of little blue pills to over-the-hill golfers).
10. Rudyard Kipling, living in Vermont in the 1890's invented the game of snow golf. He would paint his golf balls red so that they could be located in the snow (which just goes to show how a foreign fiction-writer could contribute to such a nonsensical game as golf at any time of year).
Image Credit: deviantart.net - illustration by blazingcactus, image# d33t32j
Greetings from the Capital of Winter Golf
As Theolonius McTavish approached the 14th hole at the North Pole, he realized the icicles dangling from his nose might hamper his golf swing which is why he needed to resort to desperate measures -- a nice nip from the brandy bottle in his bag would help him keep his eye on the ball.
Image Credit: Ron Leishman - clipartof.com/1048255
Is the grass greener on the other side?
...I hope so because I
don't want to go there unless
they've got long fairways and
well-manicured putting greens.
PUTTING IN PARADISE OR PURGATORY ISN'T ALL THAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE
While walking down the street one day a prominent politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter... "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, but I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the prominent politician.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, a rather friendly fellow who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the prominent politician realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... .
The elevator goes up and up, whereupon the door finally reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the prominent politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing away. They have a jolly good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The prominent politician reflects for a minute, then he replies: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and down, down, down he goes to hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he finds himself in the middle of a barren land covered in waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the refuse and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the prominent politician, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time... . Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!"
Image Credit: http://perezdesigns.com
Golfing great Ben Hogan's famous reply when asked how to improve one's game was:
"Hit the ball closer to the hole."
GREAT GOLF STRATEGY TO GET ONE OUT OF THE HOLE!
DORF ON DIVOTS, DORKS, AND DAMN FINE GOLF
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry --
DORF ON GOLF...Part 2
DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS
As the Prince of Putter Nutters accompanied by his Knight of Foreplay & Natural Hazards approached the tee, he wondered how those dirty divot duffers who consistently shank their balls had the gumption if not gaul to just stand there gawking at his delightfully dimpled balls and his brilliantly bungled birdies.
DORF ON GOLF - PART 3
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
GOLF: The Game of Gaffs, Guffaws Giggles
-- It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. ( H. L. Mencken)
-- Who says leaping over puddles, climbing out of bunkers, and running around 18 flagpoles isn't fitness? (Anonymous)
-- I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose. (Gerald Ford)
-- The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. (H.G. Wells)
-- Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf. (Jack Benny)
---Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. -- Jimmy Demaret
-- Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. (Chi Chi Rodriguez)
-- [Golf] is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. (Winston Churchill)
-- Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. (John Updike)
-- Golf is an open exhibition of overweening ambition, courage deflated by stupidity, skill scoured by a whiff of arrogance. (Alistair Cooke)
-- I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser. (Arnold Palmer)
-- Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out. (Princess Anne of Great Britain)
-- If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. (Dean Martin)
-- If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. (Jack Lemmon)
-- Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective. (Huxtable Pippey)
-- Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. (Anonymous)
-- Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears. (Bobby Jones)
-- The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. (Phyllis Diller)
-- I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right. (Ben Crenshaw)
-- Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick. (P.J. O'Rourke)
-- Golf is a good walk spoiled. (Mark Twain)
-- I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. (G.K. Chesterton)
-- When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. (Author Unknown)
-- The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. (Author Unknown)
WHAT THE THREE STOOGES CAN TEACH YOU ABOUT GOLF...
"The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway!"
LIGHT-HEARTED LINK LIST
- FUNNY NAME - SERIOUS GOLF COURSE NEAR NAPLES, FLORIDA
Well, if you ever get tired of the alligators and the Everglades, why not try a round of golf at "Old Corkscrew Golf Club" in Estero, Florida!
- LIST OF FUNNY GOLF TEAM NAMES
Well, if you're entering one of those nutty golf tournaments with weird prizes, you'll probably need a nifty name to enter...so try these on for size!
- WANNABE GOLFER STUFF
A great selection of humorous golf gifts and awards.
- WHAT DO ASTROTURFERS AND PARAGAZERS HAVE IN COMMON?
They both love a good giggle, a game, and a great zodiac chart!
- HUMOROUS GOLF PRINTS
Even putters need posters to perk up their day!
Who says grapes n' golf don't go together?
Image Credit: cyndiloushunshine at flickr.com
FUNNY "FORE" FILMS ONLY!
A great classic film about the wacky game of golf...or should I say the wacky wunderkins who play it!
In the world of sequels with snickers, it still goes to show that golf is full of giggles and guffaws.
A good romantic-comedy about a washed-up golf pro who finds love, laughter and lovely greens are definitely part of the silly side of life.
Who says tee-off spots don't come with oodles of tee-hees, especially if Adam Sandler has anything to do with it!
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
Golf is a Great Game for Colourful Couples
Morty Canasta spends a lot of time on the golf course down in Boca Raton, home of early bird specials, no-fault insurance, and Sans-A-Belt slacks.
Madge, needs designer eyewear, a beehive style hairdo, and poka-dot plus-fours to feel at home on the links.
Image Credit: Madge & Morty Canasta - http://bobcanada92.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-drew-mrs.html
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
The perfect present for those who love bunkers and sand-traps.
The perfect gift for dazzling duffers!
Real men do it with balls!
Let's face it, if you can't keep your locker clean in the clubhouse, this little gem is the next best thing!
For the champion of the greens and fairyways!
May thy ball lie in green pastures... and not in still waters.
Some things never change...even at the North Pole Golf & Country Club. - Santa wondered why his membership didn't include a Christmas caddy?
Image Credit: www.whimsicalwoodcarving.com
NORTH POLE NEWS: Santa has a pair of thermal golf underwear with 18 holes in them. The elves get teed off when he wears them!
GOLF GADGETS, GAGS & GIZMOS
For testosterone titans of the tee-off only!
The "Potty Putter", the perfect addition to any place of ease.
Every club needs a crazy critter cover!
For anyone fans the ball more than he chips or slices it.
The perfect for golf and caffeine addicts.