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Vancouver Canucks Fan Club

Updated on November 5, 2015

The Vancouver Canucks Fan Club

I don't get it. People are always sending me emails that someone forwarded to them in an apparently endless stream of bandwidth-sucking waste. Most of them are deleted on sight, but a few sneak through and tickle my funny bone.

Those are the ones that end up in Squidoo lenses.

I admit it. Even though I haven't been a hockey fan since those over-paid prima donnas went on strike whenever it was, and blew an entire season, I've found better things to do with my time.

That having been said, I'm still hockey-savvy enough to recognize a lazy, over-paid and under-worked hockey team when I see one, and that's why I decided to put this back-handed "tribute" to the Vancouver Canucks online.

Enjoy.

Luongo Replaced During 2011 Stanley Cup Finals?

BOSTON: June 8, 2011: Vancouver Canucks management tonight denied rumours that Roberto Luongo would be replaced by Holy Mother Bernadette of the Church of the Blessed Puck for Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals with the Boston Bruins.

A Canucks spokesman, however, who refused to give his name because he was not authorized to speak to the press, said that no self-respecting Boston man would dream of scoring against a goalie Nun, and that Mother Bernadette would indeed be suiting up for the game.

PS: It didn't work.

What do the Canucks and Whales have in common?

They both get confused when surrounded by ice.

The British Coumbia Criminal Code

The RCMP are cracking down on speeders heading into Vancouver, British Coumbia.

Upon your first offense, they give you two tickets to a Vancouver Canucks NHL hockey game.

If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

What do you call 30 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Stanley Cup playoffs?

The Vancouver Canucks!

Why won't they give Kelowna a professional Hockey team?

(Because then Vancouver will want one too.)

What do the Vancouver Canucks and the Titanic have in common?

(They both look good until they hit the ice!)

What's blue and green and goes down the toilet faster than Liquid Plumber?

(The Vancouver Canucks)

Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps?

(They had pictures of Canucks players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.)

Hitler Finds Out the Canucks Signed Mats Sundin

What do the Canucks and Billy Graham have in common?

They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

What song do Canucks fans sing before the end of the third period?

(Nobody knows. There's never any of them left.)

Whats the difference between the Canucks and a mosquito?

(A mosquito stops sucking.)

What do you call a Vancouver Canuck with a Stanley Cup ring?

A thief, of course.

How many Vancouver Canucks does it take to win a Stanley Cup?

No one knows, and we'll probably never find out.

What do the Canucks and possums have in common?

Both play dead at home and get slaughtered on the road.

How many Vancouver Canucks does it take to change a tire?

(One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up)

Vancouver Canucks Playoff Joke

By Richard Eriksson on April 6, 2004

Four hockey fans are mountain climbing. Each climber happens to be a rabid fan of a different NHL team. One from Ottawa, one from Calgary, one from Toronto and the other from Vancouver.

As they climb higher and higher, they argue more and more about which of them is the most loyal to their particular hockey team. As they reach the summit, the climber from Ottawa takes a running leap and throws himself off the mountain, yelling, "This is for the Ottawa Senators!" Not wanting to be outdone, the climber from Toronto throws himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for the Toronto Maple Leafs!" Seeing this, the Calgary Flames fan walks to the edge and yells, "This is for hockey fans everywhere!" He then pushes the Canucks fan off the cliff.

Why are the Canucks like a training bra?

Minimal support and no cups.

OK, time to man up!

Are you a closet Canucks fan?

See results

Reader Feedback

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    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Roberto needs to add an essential missing part to his equipment bag. A hockey team in front of him.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      @Bradshaw LM: they have never been good enough

    • profile image

      TheBlairGroup 6 years ago

      This might need updating now that the Canucks are in the Cup Final! (which they're going to win...Finally!!)

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      I'm in morning... yesterday was my birthday, and all I wanted was for the Canucks to win game 4.

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      This is a great site. I loved the Billy Graham and possum jokes. Too true.

      Those of you who are Canucks fans, I've just put one of my 2 limited edition (only 1008 made) Vancouver Canucks Roberto Luongo Bobble Heads up on eBay.

    • Bradshaw LM profile image

      Bradshaw LM 8 years ago

      As a former resident of Vancouver I take great exception to ... oh, what the heck, it's all true! I've been a fan (and got to watch) the Canuckleheads since the early 80s. They always seem to be on the verge of greatness, then the optimism wanes and reality sets in. I guess it's almost like being a Leafs fans. At least the Canucks have been to the finals in the last 20 years. The Maple Laffs will be hardpressed to get tickets to the playoffs, let alone ice a contender. Great lens!