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Wittiest and Funniest Cricket Stories

Updated on February 22, 2012

Funniest Cricket Stories

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you realise that your wife left you in May.

- Denis Norden, British television writer and compere

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare.

- Mike Brearley, 1980

Is there any sex in it?

- Peter Sellers, as a psychiatrist upon first learning about cricket in What's New Pussycat, 1965

Say, when do they begin?

- Grouch Marx, watching a cricket test match at Lord's

Do you still chuckle at a witty Commentator quip ? This lens is a gigantic compilation of all the wittiest , funniest & wackiest stories , anecdotes , commentator's quips, videos from the game of cricket. Hope you will enjoy it and roll on the floor laughing at some of them. There's tons of stuff ! ... And if I truly made your day, don't forget to LIKE and SHARE the lens for the "fun to reach everyone" :D . Thanks all and njoy !

The Wit of Cricket - Funniest Cricket Book Ever !

Dear readers if you like the stuff I have compiled below, you will love this book. This is hands down the funniest book on cricket (and I have read em all :P ) . A bumper collection of the funniest anecdotes, jokes, and stories from cricket's best- loved personalities. The most popular stories by five of the game's all- time great characters- Richie Benaud, Dickie Bird, Henry Blofeld, Brian Johnston, and Fred Trueman- but also the humor and insights of modern players including Michael Atherton, Andrew Flintoff, Darren Gough, Kevin Pietersen, and Shane Warne. Crammed full of dozens of hilarious anecdotes about legendary Test cricketers such as Ian Botham, Geoffrey Boycott, Denis Compton, Michael Holding, and Merv Hughes- plus broadcasting gaffes, sledging, short- sighted umpires, and the first male streaker at Lord's!

Nuttiest , Wittiest and Funniest Commentators

Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill - I'm sorry, Hutton 111.

- John Snagge, BBC News

Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.

- Brian Johnston, BBC Radio

Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the

ground.

- Brian Johnston, BBC Radio

He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time.

- Richie Benaud, Channel 9

If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you're left two short.

- Bob Massie, ABC Radio

This game will be over any time from now.

- Alan McGilvray, ABC Radio

It is important for Pakistan to take wickets if they are going to make big inroads into this Australian batting line-up.

- Max Walker, Channel 9

Glenn McGrath joins Craig McDermott and Paul Reiffel in a three-ponged prace attack.

- Tim Gavel, ABC News

In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one.

- Tony Greig, Channel 9

It's been very slow and dull day, but it hasn't been boring. It's been a good, entertaining day's cricket.

- Tony Benneworth, ABC Radio

It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air.

- Jack Potter, 3UZ

Laird has been brought in to stand in the corner of the circle.

- Richie Benaud, Channel 9

Chappell just stood on his feet and smashed it to the boundary.

- Jim Maxwell, ABC Radio

On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came off.

- Trevor Bailey, Radio 3

He didn't quite manage to get his leg over.

- Jonathan Agnew, after Botham had spun around off balance and tried to step over the wicket unsuccessfully, BBC

Lloyd's talking to his SLIPers.

- Channel 9 commentator.

Marshall's bowling with his head.

- ABC commentator.

The sight of Bright holds no fright for Wright.

- Jim Maxwell

and the riposte

That's right!

- Norm O'Neil

And Jajeda is dijappointed...Jadeja is ji..da..I'll come again, Jajeda..okay Jadeja looks downcast.

- Tony Greig on Channel 9.

His throw went absolutely nowhere near where it was going

- Richie Benaud

Even Downton couldn't get down high enough for that

- Richie Benaud

That slow motion doesn't show how fast the ball was traveling.

- Richie Benaud

There were no scores below single figures

- Richie Benaud

Fast bowlers are quick. Just watch this -- admittedly it is in slow motion

- Ian Chappell.

It is now possible they can get the impossible score they first thought possible

- Christopher Martin-Jenkins.

It would be unprintable on television

- Geoff Boycott

If England lose now, they will be leaving the field with their heads between their legs!

- Geoff Boycott

That was a tremendous six. The ball was still in the air as it went over the boundary.

- Fred Trueman

Then there was that dark horse with the golden arm, Mudassar Nazar.

- Trevor Bailey

David Boon is now completely clean-shaven, except for his moustache.

- Graham Dawson

The black cloud is coming from the direction the wind is blowing. Now the wind is coming from where the black cloud is!

- Raymond Illingworth

He is a very dangerous bowler. Innocuous, if you like.

- England coach David Lloyd discussing Chris Harris

The Queen's Park Oval -- as its name suggests, absolutely round!

- Tony Cozier

His feet were a long way away from his body!

- Ravi Shastri

You rejoin us at a very appropriate time -- Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end!

- Brian Johnston

The lights are shining quite darkly

- Henry Blofeld

It is a catch he would have held 99 times out of one thousand.

- Henry Blofeld

It is a full house at the Eden Gardens. Today, Calcutta is celebrating the assassination of Mahatma Gandhi!

- Henry Blofeld

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

- Robin Williams, American actor

Cricket needs brightening up a bit. My solution is to let the players drink at the beginning of the game, not after. It always works in our picnic matches.

- Paul Hogan, Australian actor

I don't know what these fellows are doing, but whatever they are doing, they sure are doing it well.

- Pete Sampras on watching Lara and Ambrose at Lord's.

Cricket is a game which the British, not being a spiritual people, had to invent in order to have some concept of eternity.

- Lord Maycroft

Many continentals think life is a game, the English think cricket is a game.

- George Mikes How to be an Alien

Personally, I have always looked upon cricket as organised loafing.

-William Temple. Archbishop of Canterbury 1926.

Q: Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been vindicated by the result?

A: I don't think the press are vindictive. They can write what they want.

- Mike Gatting, ITV

I think we are all slightly down in the dumps after another loss. We may be in the wrong sign...Venus may be in the wrong juxtaposition with somewhere else.

- Ted Dexter, explaining away England's seventh successive Test loss, to Australia at Lord's, 1993

There was a slight interruption there for athletics.

- Richie Benaud, referring to a streaker at Lord's, BBC TV

Say, when do they begin?

- Grouch Marx, watching a cricket match at Lord's

It's funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you realise that your wife left you in May.

- Denis Norden, British television writer and compere

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare.

- Mike Brearley, 1980

Is there any sex in it?

- Peter Sellers, as a psychiatrist upon first learning about cricket in What's New Pussycat, 1965

Q: Darryl, who are your favourite actors?

Cullinan: Dustin Hoffman and some Aussie bowlers in the act of appealing.

Q: What's your favourite animal?

Steve Waugh: Merv Hughes.

A video montage of Funny Cricket Moments - Dnt tell me it didn't bring a smile .. coz it did :P

Quality is low but the clips are nice. Njoy !

Century Of Cricket Jokes - Wanna gift a book .. try this !

If you are a cricket fan, you will definitely love this book. I bought this book for my friend who happens to be a cricketer and He loved it. You do have to have some understanding of cricket for most of the jokes.

Fred Trueman's Witty Quips

Fred Trueman's Witty Quips

John Arlott, the poetic cricket commentator, raconteur and wine enthusiast from Hampshire, wrote that Trueman approached the wicket 'with the majestic rhythm that emerges as a surprise in the Spanish fighting bull'. Beginning at a steady pad, he gradually accelerated, hair flopping, until he completed his charge in an explosion of malevolent power.

Trueman rounded off this spectacle with histrionic gestures of despair, rage or triumph.

Arguably the finest fast bowler that England [and of course Yorkshire] has produced, Freddie Trueman's ability did not end there say Will and Guy. He was a splendid story teller and would regale audiences with his "cricketing tales".

Did You Know?Trueman played football for Lincoln City and turned down professional terms to concentrate on cricket.

Some might argue that many of his stories were apocryphal; others might remark that it matters not since the tales are fun and indeed funny. We hope you will enjoy the items we have chosen to share with our readers here.

FS Trueman's Fabulously Funny Cricketing Anecdotes 'Owzat?

Trueman bowls. Batsman is trapped plumb LBW. Trueman appeals. Not out.

Next ball. Trueman ever-so-slightly irritated. Trueman bowls. Audible snick, ball deflects and sails upward, caught behind. Trueman appeals. Not out.

Third ball. Trueman a little more irritated now. Trueman bowls. Through the gate, stumps spread-eagled, middle stump uprooted and cartwheeling. Trueman turns to the umpire and says with a wry smile, 'We nearly had him that time, didn't we?'

ReligionOn the tour of Australia in 1962-63, the Reverend David Sheppard dropped several catches.

'Kid yourself it's Sunday, Rev,' Trueman expostulated, 'and keep your hands together.'

Humour of the Self Deprecating Kind [unusual for Fred]The scene was an Ashes test with England fielding ..... 'and I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket, a rap on the pads, Howzat? One for none.

I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket and the bails were off, two for none.

Then in came the great Sir Don Bradman. I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket, the ball was in the air, a fantastic catch on the long on boundary, three for three hundred and seventy six.

HeadingleyOn one occasion, an opposition batsman walking through the gate onto the outfield was told, 'Don't bother shutting it. You'll be back soon.'

Versus Cambridge UniversityWhen a Cambridge University student FS Trueman had just bowled said, 'That was a very good ball, Mr Trueman', he responded allegedly with, 'Ay, 'twas wasted on thee.'

I'm Good!He enjoyed being told he was good, too, and along these lines a lovely tale told by Richard Hutton reads as follows: after Freddie had returned yet another of his many five-wicket performances. 'Well bowled, Fred,' he said. 'Outswingers, inswingers, bouncers, yorkers, you bowled the lot. Tell me, did you ever bowl a plain straight one?'

Quick as a flash came the reply, 'Aye, one. But it was so fast it went through him like a dose a salts and knocked all three down.'

An allegedly true story about Fred on tour in the West Indies
Apparently Fred, at a reception during a tour of The West Indies, approached an elegant woman and made a pass at her.

She allegedly replied, 'As a woman, Mr Trueman, I am extremely flattered. But, as the governor's wife. I am absolutely outraged!'

Even More Nutty Quotes

Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.

JOHN ARLOTT

It's only a matter of time before the end of this innings.

MICHAEL PESCHARDT

Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

It's especially tense for parker who's literally fighting for a place on an overcrowded plane to India.

TREVOR BAILEY

...and England win by a solitary nine runs.

FRANK BOUGH

Hardie was a good solid rock upon which Essex hung their caps.

PETER WALKER

As the ball gets softer it loses its hardness.

GEOFF BOTCOTT

A wicket could always fall in this game, literally at any time.

TREVOR BAILEY

If you are going to lose, you might as well lose good and proper and try to sneak a win.

TED DEXTER

On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came off.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

We welcome World Service listeners to the Oval, where the bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

Unless somebody can pull a miracle out of the fire, Somerset are cruising into the semi-final.

FRED TRUEMAN

Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

Clearly the West Indies are going to play their normal game, which is what they normally do.

TONY GREG

The Test Match begins in ten minutes - that’s our time of course.

DAVID COLEMAN

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

These past five weeks have passed at the drop of a pin.

RACHEL HEYHOE-FLINT

In the back of Hughes mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

And Jajeda is dijappointed...Jadeja is ji..da..I'll come again, Jajeda..okay Jadeja looks downcast.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

The obvious successor to Brearley at the moment isn't obvious.

TREVOR BAILEY

It's his second finger - technically his third.

CHRISTOPHER MARTIN-JENKINS

He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

After their 60 overs, West Indies have scored 244 for 7, all out.

FRANK BOUGH

The game's a little bit wide open again.

FRED TRUEMAN

Other than his mistakes, he hasn't put a foot wrong.

SIMON HUGHES

Well, Wally, I’ve been watching this game both visually and on TV

KEN BARRINGTON

He came in from the outfield there like an absolute rabbit.

HENRY BLOFELD

an aggressive back foot drive off the back foot.

TREVOR BAILEY

It's a unique occasion, really - a repeat of Melbourne 1977.

JIM LAKER

His tail is literally up!

TREVOR BAILEY

It's been very slow and dull day, but it hasn't been boring. It's been a good, entertaining day's cricket.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

Clearly the West Indie are going to play their normal game, which is what they normally do.

TONY GREG

These past five weeks have passed at the drop of a pin.

RACHEL HEYHOE-FLINT

In the back of Hughes mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

A wicket could always fall in this game, literally at any time.

TREVOR BAILEY

These past five weeks have passed at the drop of a pin.

RACHEL HEYHOE-FLINT

Tavare has literally dropped anchor.

TREVOR BAILEY

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

No, I am not going for a curry and a few beers tonight.

TIM WHITELY

And we have just heard, although this is not the latest score from Bournemouth, that Hampshire have beaten Nottinghamshire by nine wickets.

PETER WEST

It's especially tense for parker who's literally fighting for a place on an overcrowded plane to India.

TREVOR BAILEY

A little less tilde-ishly, there are always Tony Grieg's gems.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

His tail is literally up!

TREVOR BAILEY

Boycott, somewhat a creature of habit, likes exactly the sort of food he himself prefers.

DON MOSEY

It's a unique occasion, really - a repeat of Melbourne 1977.

JIM LAKER

Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.

JOHN ARLOTT

Once again our consistency has been proved to be inconsisent.

DAVID GRAVENEY

Tavare has literally dropped anchor.

TREVOR BAILEY

The Test Match begins in ten minutes - that's our time, of course.

DAVID COLEMAN

At the end of this match at the Sydney ground the lights have gone out like a flash.

CHRISTOPHER MARTIN-JENKINS

Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

It's his second finger - technically his third.

CHRISTOPHER MARTIN-JENKINS

He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

The game's a little bit wide open again.

FRED TRUEMAN

Unless somebody can pull a miracle out of the fire, Somerset are cruising into the semi-final.

FRED TRUEMAN

England need to pick players who do not have skeletons in their coffins.

IAN BOTHAM

To stay in, you've got to not get out.

GEOFF BOYCOTT

Well, Wally, Ive been watching this game both visually and on TV

KEN BARRINGTON

The hallmark of a great captain is his ability to win the toss at the right time.

RICHIE BENAUD

If you are going to lose, you might as well lose good and proper and try to sneak a win.

TED DEXTER

...now Botham, with a chance to put everything that's gone before, behind him.

TONY COSIER

Well, he didn't quite get his leg over, did he?

BRIAN JOHNSTON

Other than his mistakes, he hasn't put a foot wrong.

SIMON HUGHES

After their 60 overs, West Indies have scored 244 for 7, all out.

FRANK BOUGH

Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

But one who seeks to capture the real spirit of cricket must turn to Tony Benneworth.

BRIAN JOHNSTON

this series has been swings and pendulums all the way through.

TREVOR BAILEY

He came in from the outfield there like an absolute rabbit.

HENRY BLOFELD

It's only a matter of time before the end of this innings.

MICHAEL PESCHARDT

This shirt is unique, there are only 200 of them.

RICHIE BENAUD

More Funny Cricketing Tales

Bottle of Beer

Rahul was having a bad time. He played and missed at every ball and was becoming hotter and more flustered every minute. As the bowler was walking back; the batsman turned to the wicket-keeper.

'Phew,' Rahul said, 'what couldn't I do with a bottle of beer.'

The wicket-keeper thought for a moment. 'Hit it with the bat?'

The New Batsman

Shane, a batsman was new to the side, and in his first innings he did so badly that the crowd began to slow hand-clap and barrack him. Things got worse. The language got more and more abusive, his play-more inept, and finally he was out. As he dashed for the pavilion, rotten fruit and eggs were thrown at him, but he managed to gain the safety of the dressing-room, where the captain was waiting for him.

'Blimey!' panted the batsman, 'they don't like that umpire, do they?'

The Great Sir Vivian Richards

It was a county match in England between Somerset and Glamorgan. An unknown batsman with unknown talent, named Vivian Richards was at the crease. Greg Thomas, the Glamorgan fast bowler thundered in and beat the great man's bat.

'It's red and it's round. Can't you see it?', the bowler taunted Richards.

The next ball was an action replay. The ball pitched three quarters of length on middle and off, seamed away, and once again Richards was all at sea and comprehensively beaten.

'It's red and it's round and it weighs four-and-a-half ounces. Can't you see it?', Greg Thomas quipped.

Richards took a stroll, summoned his powers of concentration, swung his arms around, took a fresh guard and got ready for the next ball.

Greg Thomas came running in. The delivery was right in the slot, and Viv launched into one of his trademark shots and smashed the ball out of the ground and straight into the river that flowed around it.

Ten Ducks? Amusing Cricket Anecdote

Table-topping Dishforth were expected to beat bottom-placed Goldsborough in the Nidderdale Amateur Cricket League, North Yorkshire, but not quite as easily as things turned out.Goldborough 2nd X1 came close to setting an unwanted record after ten batsmen were out for a duck. Not one of the Goldsborough players scored a single run; although they did clock up five extras.

Their opponents quickly knocked off the six runs needed for a win and the game was over. The Dishforth captain Steve Wilson, told reporters, 'If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have thought it possible.The Goldsborough captain Peter Horseman commented, 'It was surreal and embarrassing. We almost got a run, but the batsman turned it down because he' d just been hit on the foot.The maestro told the hapless bowler who almost died watching the ball go, 'You know what it looks like... now go and get it!'

Another Funny Cricket Story

When England travel to the Asian sub-continent to play cricket we always hear that various players contract ' Delhi-belly' or more correctly an upset stomach, possibly gastro-enteritis. Change of diet, differing hygiene, weather conditions are often sited as reasons for this malaise. February 2006 saw some five players unable to function properly on the tour in India.

This phenomenon was discussed by Peter Allen and Jane Garvey on their ' Drive' programme on BBC Radio 5 live. Alec Stewart, the ex-Surrey and England wicket keeper/batsman and captain was interviewed. He acknowledged that food in the sub-continent could be a problem for English stomachs. He recounted how he took with him on tour 43 separate portions of chicken, mashed potato and broccoli and ate little else.

If this isn't amusing enough on its own; when he arrived home in England the first meal his wife gave him......................................?

You can guess........................................yes, indeed - chicken with mashed potato and broccoli.

Lee Trescothick and Slugger Hammond

The opening England batsmen in a one day match against Australia were Marcus Trescothick and a new batsman yet to have appeared on the world stage: his name was Slugger Hammond.Brett Lee, the pace bowler, opened the bowling for Australia. The first ball went fizzing past the off-stump: 'wooooooooph' , and was collected by the wicketkeeper, Adam Gilchrist.Slugger Hammond did not as much as budge from his place. Lee bowled his second, third and fourth balls: 'woooooooph.... woooooooooph...wooooooooph' .

Slugger stood stock still just like a statue.

The umpire declared the fifth delivery, 'No ball'.

Like a true professional Slugger Hammond went down the pitch tapping away at the ground until he reached Trescothick and said, 'I knew from the very beginning the fellow did not have a ball in his hand.

Commentators reading Harbhajan

I really cannot read what Harbhajan is doing between his balls.

(Radio 4 Commentator Henry Blofeld, on the pre-delivery wrist exercises of Indian off-spin bowler Habhajan Singh.)

Ump hits back

Cec Pepper was the scourge of Lancashire league umpires, blasting the meek with his belligerant appeals, making the lay preachers blush with his vivid language. The umpire who faced up to him had to be a special kind of human being and George Long was such a man.

George was standing one day at the end where Pepper was bowling, when Pepper made one of his raucous Austarlian appeals for lbw, which was answered by a quiet notout. Whereupon Pepper gave vent to a histrionic stream of invective, throwing in all the stock-in-trade props - spectacles, white stick, guide dog, illegitimacy, bloody minded Englishness and four letter words - all of which George completely ignored.

The same thing happened after the next ball and yet again the following one, after which George called 'Over' and walked to his squareleg position, followed by Pepper - obviously disturbed by the lack of reaction from the umpire.

'I suppose you're going to report all this bad language to the league ?', said Pepper.

'No', replied George. 'Ah likes a chap as speaks his mind'.

Pepper was obviously delighted. 'So do I', he said smilingly, 'and I must say it is a refreshing change to meet an umpire like you. I'm glad that we understand each other'.

'Aye', said George.

The first ball of the next over again hit the batsman's pad, whereupon Cec whirled round to George, arms outstretched and did his usual Red Indian war whoop. His Howzat was head all around the ground.

'Notout, you fat Australian bastard', said George quietly.

The World's Best Cricket Jokes By Ernest Forbes

To round up your collection this is the last must have book on Cricket Humor. Again a great deal for the cost ,super fun to read and a great git for any cricket enthusiast.

Ten Funny and True Cricketing Quotes

Ten Funny and True Cricketing Quotes

Cricket's Funniest Jokes

A batsman passed a man in a white coat on his way back to the pavilion, "That was never LBW-you need glasses." And the man in the white coat smiled and replied, "So do you, I'm selling ice-cream." Crammed full of hilarious cricketing jokes from players and pundits alike, this little book will bowl over any fan of the gentlemen's game. Illustrated in full color, this book is guaranteed to raise a laugh when you're stumped or rain stops play.

Cricket Merchandise and Gear

So do you have some of yours . ehhh - Please share your own funny stories,quotes,vids and anything you wish

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      Karen1960 5 years ago

      "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey" - can't remember who was responsible for that one!

      Brian Johnston and Jonathan Agnew crying with laughter on air when Agnew made his 'leg over' gaffe must be one of the funniest radio moments ever. TMS just isn't the same without Johnners and dear old John Arlott.