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Harem Pants | Fashion Cruelty To Eyes

Updated on October 4, 2010

You thought it was over...

Harem Pants From American Apparel - So In Next Year!

Clearly the 80's learned us nothing at all. (Including grammar. We don't need no education.) Watch this video, then proceed with the rest of the article. Be warned, you're about to see clothing so retarded you may actually be picked up by mental health services should you happen to step outside wearing it.

That which we never thought would happen has happened. Hammer pants are back, except this time they're being called 'Harem Pants' and being pushed by American Apparel, a company well known for its hold over young and impressionable people around the world.

Harem pants are less items of clothing and more instruments of torture by humiliation, but like over sized sunglasses and filthy tights, all its going to take is Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and either Samantha Ronson or Nicole Richie to step out in these things for stores to start stocking them like Tamiflu.

Interestingly the release of these pants has actually coincided with the announcement of the 2009 Swine Flu pandemic. Coincidence, I think not. Everyone with half a brain knows that correlation is equal to causation, which means not only will these pants make you look like you stopped in at Wal Mart for a discount lobotomy, you'll also have the sniffles for a few days and then get better.

But back to American Apparel. The company has already been sued in the past by Woody Allen for using his image without permission to try and push their 100% American made products to their fellow countrymen. Did you catch that? A company sued for a breach of ethics by a man who jilted his wife to marry his daughter. Clearly they cannot be trusted as far as one could get whilst wearing a pair of these pants without causing people to spontaneously explode from fits of laughter.

As you can tell from the photographs, these pants have been explicitly designed to make any woman's ass look fat from any conceivable angle. The precise opposite of flattering, they've turned this svelte pretty young model into the love child of a Persian carpet and a heroin addict.

I often recommend that men enjoy wearing women's clothing. In this case, I recommend that men sigh a deep sigh of relief. These were considered male attire in the 80's (MC Hammer sure knew how to rock them and be taken seriously as an artist,) but it looks like women are moving in on them now, and I say let them. We've brought this on ourselves.

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    • profile image

      Penny 

      8 years ago

      Fug.

      I've come to realize that I live in the wrong fashion era. I think people wear unflattering clothes these days, pukey looking prints and colorblind color matches. Grandma-esqe pleats pulled up to the boobs. Belts that serve so other purpose than making your hips look huge and making it cumbersome to take off your coat. I want to return to the days of more comfortable clothing. More bohemian.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      9 years ago

      Glad you enjoyed, RNMSN :)

    • RNMSN profile image

      Barbara Bethard 

      9 years ago from Tucson, Az

      omg Hope I so wish you could meet my daughters friend, Isyss (Jason), you'd get on very well together...this is a fantastic hub thank you, I needed a laugh!! fashion makes us take ourselves way too seriously!!!

    • Komara profile image

      Komara 

      9 years ago

      Nooooooo - I'm serious!!! Sad but true.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      9 years ago

      Now I know you're kidding...

    • Komara profile image

      Komara 

      9 years ago

      lol I like Harem pants!!! :P

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      9 years ago

      Stay strong, sister! :)

    • Reena Daruwalla profile image

      Reena Daruwalla 

      9 years ago from INDIA

      Enjoyed your anti harem pant rant. I was a victim the first time around in the 80s, i admit it with downcast eyes, but this time my resolve will not crumble!

    • profile image

      notorious_HAI 

      9 years ago

      hilarious Hope. Some things should stay in the 80s and this is one of those things. There's so much room in the bum area of these "pants" you'd be too scared to do a sneaky fart in public just in case they puff up.

    • profile image

      Gunnau 

      9 years ago from Central Coast NSW Australia

      And the fashion police has been harsh on men's skirts.

      The harem or as my wife calls them, the Nappy Pants, are in a number of purveyers of womens fashions here in Sydney as well.

      Thankfully most of the women who may have purshased these crimes against fashion, have perhaps kept them for 80's disco nights and not worn them on the street. Can't ( or don't wish to) Touch This.

      Steve

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      9 years ago

      Sometimes I think fashionistas play little jokes on the public and make incredibly ugly clothing popular just to see people fall over themselves to look like clowns... damn evil fashionistas. They're so in right now.

    • Research Analyst profile image

      Research Analyst 

      9 years ago

      I could'nt agree with you more, I recently was looking through a Elle and Vogue Runway fashion magazine and they had these pants Ugh!

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