Where to even start? I guess for me my early 20s were just a experiment. I mean that is when you are figuring out who you are as a person. In my early 0s I remember making a lot of mistakes. I was discharged honorably from the Army when I was 20. Soon after that I figured that since I was I the military I life figured out. Well I could have not been further from the truth.
By 21 I became a father to a beautiful baby girl. I was 21 and thought having kids early would be better. I'm not saying it was a mistake, I love my baby girl who's 11 now, but back then I thought I knew everything. Did I have some skill sets yes, But I hardly knew adult life out of the Army. Things were much different and with a little girl time started going by fast.
By 24 I learned how cruel life can be. My kid was basically kidnapped by her mother and ran off to Cincinnati on the weekend that I was suppose to have her for the weekend. At the time I didn't know that what she did was illegal. Time past and I met a girl I soon made my wife. We decided that we would fight for custody.
In a few short years and lack of precipitation from the mother, I was awarded custody of my daughter. She was 5 then and I was 26. The time just started disappearing then. Life was good, we bought a house, and had the means to support a family. I had been married around two years by then. My kid was in school learning stuff, and I remember her asking me things like what should I take for show and tell?
Well five short years pasted and my wife and I was divorced. Lost my job and had to move in with my mom. I soon found a job and found a small place for my daughter and myself. Things were good for about a year, then I answered a Facebook message that, what I didn't know at the time would put me in a tail spin. This was about a half year after I turned 30.
The Hard Hitting Thirties!
Now I have had mental problems since 2004 with PTSD among a long list of other things that I was to afraid to speak with doctors about. Come to find out That Facebook message was from my kids mom. Well being recently divorced and wanting someone to talk to I answered her message.
By this time I was 30. And it hit me kind of hard, harder than any hit I have ever taken. I could not believe 30 years has passed and how much has changed. After some serious conversations with her mom, I decided to fly her down and give her an opportunity at making something for herself.
I felt God wanted me to do this so I did. The deal was it wasn't a relationship just a opportunity, and that she could sleep on the couch until she found a job a could get another place to stay. I was week and she was seductive. Suddenly I was in a relationship that I didn't want. Things escalated quickly and before long, after finding a job, she was making my life go in a tailspin.
She started doing drugs, in fact even stealing my kids medicine. At this time I was 31,and was on my way to a mental break down. I ended going to the doctor and laid out all the stuff I was afraid to say in my 20 in fear they would hospitalize me. After several medication changes, I realized she had to go. I had a nervous breakdown. She moved from place to place all along the time stealing stuff from my house.
One day my daughter was with her and come up and said " I found a needle in mom's purse". I had my suspicions, but had no proof until then. We moved to moms house shortly after that and as quickly as we could we got all my stuff out of the house and moved it to mom's house.
After all that had happen I decided to cut off all connections with her for the benefit of my daughter. After seeing her mother's true colors she did not want anything to do with her any more and at 11 years old I felt that she had the right to feel that way, so I respected her wishes.
Finding All Those Grey Hairs! ( Not me but you get the point.)
The Meltdown And Realizing My Medical Conditions.
By 32 I have been to the doctor and laid everything out on the table. I was at the point I couldn't take it anymore. I had went trough at least 15 to 20 jobs in 10 years. In all that time hiding my conditions from people. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Letting it all out at the doctor's off she assigned me a psychologist. I found out I was bi-polar, PTSD, severe panic and anxiety disorder, major depression, suicidal thoughts, schizophrenic, anti-social, and paranoid.
It was a lot to take in, but made perfect sense at the same time. I could no longer pretend that I was ok. Soon after that I learned I wasn't able to drive without being a danger to myself or others, so I made the decision not to drive anymore. My medicine's are helping slowly, but I feel sometimes they aren't working at all. It can be a rollercoaster ride some time.
I now just stay indoors and most of the time don't even look out the windows. The only time I get out is to buy food, or go to doctor appointments. Yes it is tough living like this, but this is the only way I feel comfortable, locked up in my house, it makes me feel safe.
The Feelings Of Schizophrenia!
Good Days And Bad Days.
Most of the time I'm ok, but on some days I feel out of control. At any time anything can set me off, like hearing noises or voices. So I keep the TV on with music or documentaries to keep my mind at bay. I can't go outside without medicine, and even then I feel paranoid.
When I go get food at Walmart is the worst place I think in the world. everybody seem to stare at you, or are very rude, and to a person like me rudeness can put them and myself in danger. So I make a game plan to get in and out as fast as possible. I try to control it as much as possible, but sometimes without warning I just snap. I wish it wasn't like tah but sometimes there is no control.
What It Feels like To Snap.
Finally The Man In The Mirror.
Now every time I go to the bathroom and pass the mirror, I stand there for minutes sometimes. Not even knowing who I'm looking at 10 years of change and pain turns you into someone else. Or perhaps that is just how I feel when I look in the mirror.
I notice grey hair that was not there before. I see my appearance is different and think that's not me standing there. Who is that person copying my every move, can't be me. I've changed so much in the last ten years I don't know who I am once again. Just like in my early 20s trying to find myself all over again.
While the experiences I' have had you would think that I would know who is in the mirror. To no affect can I figure out who I'm looking at. It's a strange feeling to have a stranger staring back at you, even though you know it's your own reflection, it's hard to get past and deal with.
How People Suffer From Delusions.
A Outlook On Delusions And Schizophrenia.
The Future Of My Condition.
I don't know where I'm heading whether or not it's turning for better or worse. For now I think I am getting better I don't know about the future, and I try not to think about it too much, it just puts me in a panic state.
I do know that this medicine won't cure me and I will have to find alterative ways to control them so I can operate. As far a venturing outside I try little by little slowly out my house and into the yard. Will I be ok in the future? That is just a question you will have to ask me then.
For now tough I am doing better. I have good doctors on my side and they seem to care unlike the rest of the doctors I've seen over the years. Hopefully they with stick with me and keep helping me. So far they are do a good job.
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