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A Warning To Stockings | The Coming Of No Run Pantyhose

Updated on October 13, 2009


Oh stockings. How we love thee. How we love thy fragile mesh which extends to cover our legs. How we love thy reinforced toes (which makes sense), and thy reinforced gusset (which doesn't, unlike feet, which commonly have sharp toenails attached to the end of them, your average crotch comes with no sharp edges.)

How we love the way you cling with every step, like a new lover who just can't let go. How you stretch to accommodate our bumps and bulges. How you are there for us, utterly and completely. How you double as an effective face mask during impromptu robberies. How you can be used to filter paper mache for class projects. '

How at the end of your lives, instead of whining about the old days you simply become new things, like a hair tie, a paint strainer, an extra large rubber band, a soap holder. No matter how undignified nor far removed from your original purpose, you struggle on stockings.

I have but one complaint. That is your apparently supernatural ability to sense when an occasion is important and / or grandiose and promptly ladder from toe to thigh without a moment's hesitation, leaving one looking like some emo teen or out of luck street walker. How do you do this stockings? How?

Are you perhaps an invention of the patriarchy, determined to bring women down by forcing them to stay home. Knowing that if they so much as step outside the front door you will promptly ladder at the mere sight of a thorn on a rose bush.

Clear nail polish can only go so far, and is useless if the run already occurred below the hem of the skirt. But you know this, don't you stockings. That's why you will typically run mid-calf, or around the knee. The sheerer you are, the more fickle you become.

Well stockings, I have had enough of your ways. No more shall you disappoint me, no longer shall you betray me by displaying parts of my pasty white skin at random intervals. I have bested thee. I have won the decades long battle! I have discovered NO RUN PANTYHOSE. How you like them apples, huh? That's right. Scientists have discovered a strain of nylon that does not disintegrate simply by being observed.

At this time few of the major pantyhose manufacturers have taken advantage of this technology, but I warn you stockings, your time is coming. Best you comply with my demands, lest you be cast aside and turned into a handy vessel for pot pourri.


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    • LatexLeah profile image

      LatexLeah 8 years ago

      Hey great as long as these "no run" stockings are still soft and silky to the touch. A slight shimmer is of course, desirable but they have to be inviting to the touch.

    • profile image

      GoneNylon 8 years ago

      Hope! You forgot onion storage. Nothing keeps onions longer than a leg of hose with an onion in the bottom, a knot, another onion, another knot, etc. Cut above the onion and below the knot to get each onion. Because they don't touch each other, the onions "keep" much longer. Old hose are also the best tomato stake ties in the worldand are wonderful for storing rice and beans.

      Ah, miracle vestments!