Awfully Good Shoes

At some point in history, a sentient human stepped on a carelessly discarded mastodon bone. After a quick trip to a nearby urgent care facility, the concept of shoes was conceived. Shoes have played a major part in historical history. Every United States President has been inaugurated while wearing shoes. No team in the long and illustrious history of the National Football League has won The Big Game (we can't say Super Bowl because it's copyrighted) without proper footwear.

Shoe stores predominate in shopping malls throughout the civilized world. The lure of discounted shoes lures otherwise sane men, women, and children, but mostly women. Men typically do not 'shop' for shoes in the sense that identifying, trying on, and purchasing a pair takes any longer than the time required to actually walk from the car to the shoe store. Women, on the other hand, allocate weekend afternoons for shoe expeditions. Womens' shoes must be awfully good.

We present a compendium reflective of the demand for awfully good shoes. Instead of hazarding the shopping mall or risking a virus in cyberspace, refer to our thoughtfully arranged list of footwear. We're here to help. Ordering products from our shoe extravaganza is as easy as typing in a few digits from your Ultimate Platinum Exclusive credit card. Don't hold back: tomorrow your neighbors may very well strut to the mailbox wearing the latest edition of awfully good shoes. You are socially obligated to adorn your feet with this years' fashions.

Roman gladiators and centurions conquered much of the civilized world wearing footwear that looked almost, but not quite, completely unlike these awfully good shoes. They marched for miles in tight formation. They climbed mountains and built aqueducts. They competed in Olympic trials.

You can't join the Roman Army, but you can deck out your feet in truly awfully good shoes that cost about the same as a semester at Harvard. Pick your size and go for it. Imagine yourself strolling through the mall, waiting line at Wetzel's Pretzels, and mortgaging your Chevy Cobalt. Every head will turn as you proudly show off your eleven thousand dollar footwear.

We don't know how much the deerskin was worth to the original owner, but it certainly looks marvelous as a pair of shoes. Swaddle your feet in organic fibers, but stay out of the woods if you can help it. These awfully good shoes sport a rubber sole and are handmade in Italy by authentic human hands. They are trimmed in orange because, well, deer are often spotted in the forest wearing orange accessories. It could happen.

You've never seen an ostrich wearing shoes, but it's easy to picture yourself wearing shoes made from ostrich. Pull on a pair of these ornately decorated boots before heading out to the flea market or the ostrich roundup. Everyone will notice you. Each pair is made to order by special human hands in El Paso, Texas. You can't get these at the mall, but if you could, they would probably cost even more because the overhead is so high.

No human woman should venture out into the real world without a pair of awfully good pumps. Ralph Lauren meets the needs of fashion conscious shoppers with more credit cards than brains by providing a wide variety of footwear for every upscale occasion. This specially designed shoe contorts your foot into the perfect position for tripping the light fantastic or tripping on escalators. It's made in Italy, then immediately shipped to the United States before local statutes can be enforced.

If you have trouble getting people to notice your feet, try on a pair of these. If you are having a bad hair day and you need to shift the focus of fellow PTA members away from your coiffure, here's the way to do it. The folks at Panera will be talking about you long after you finish your breakfast bagel and coffee.

Leave a mark on your social strata with these feather-laden awfully good shoes. Your kids don't need braces anyway.

Adult alligators are mean and nasty competitors who would just as soon drag you under the water and snack on you. Don't mess with 12 foot 'gators.

On the other hand, baby alligators have nice hides and much less leverage. Alligator farmers probably won't get eaten by the infants. We don't know how many babies it takes to make a pair of $1300 shoes, but they are awfully good. They are also handmade in Italy from imported alligators.