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Beard Nouveau | The Next Generation of Bearded Men

Updated on December 7, 2009

At some point in the 80's, in the dusty haze of a million cocaine fueled parties, the male beard fell out of fashion for every one but the most extremely pious or extremely extremist . (The Amish, traditional Jewish men, and of course, everyone's favorite, the Taliban.) But beards may be making a comeback, at least in this Lady Gaga parody video in which several of the young, certifiably attractive young men are wearing beards that would have made Charles Darwin shed a tear of joy.

I'm aware that many bearded men still stalk the highways and by ways of the modern world, but it was this brazen display of bearded glory that made me consider the possibility that not all young bearded men have to also be homeless, mad, or in some way disastrously impaired.

Talkin' Beards, a cable access show that was sadly never picked up by a major network, devoted its televisual life to men who sported beards.

Why grow a beard if you're a man? Well, simply being able to grow a lush, thick beard is a sign of high levels of what scientists are coming to call “manlyness juice.” Younger men, and indeed, some fully grown men are unable to truly cultivate a wild bushy mop on their lower face, so the very ability to grow a beard is something that should be prized in and of itself.

Also, in this day and age in which men are trending towards the more effeminate and women are claiming that they can do anything, why not show the world what a real man looks like, and challenge the lovely lady in your life to grow a beard. You can then kill two birds with one stone, proving your masculinity in the way God truly intended, and showing the lady in your life that you truly are the one who wears the beard, if not the pants, in the relationship.

Bearded men can undertake all the same activities that unbearded men can undertake, and indeed, perhaps more. A clean shaven man is almost useless as a spy deep in the Hindu Kush, however a man who sports a beard is always at the ready if his government should call upon him to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

In Switzerland, all men are required to maintain a basic level of military training and to keep their rifles at home. Perhaps it is time that keeping and maintaining a healthy beard was added to those requirements. And perhaps it is time that all men grew luxurious bears, curled their whiskers and regained the glamor of the masculine expression that is exuberant facial hair.

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    • profile image

      mikk 

      8 years ago

      This is awesome. I particularly liked the "manliness juice" part. I also have been sporting my beard proudly when the feeling strikes my, along with my panties and dresses. Would you walk up to a bearded man in a dress and harass him without thinking twice? I'm not an advocate for violence, but I once knew a guy who tried it and ended up spending the night in the local hospital all because he called the guy some (insert word of gender-questioning) names. As I said, I believe violent outbursts are moronic but I had to laugh about it.

    • jm2fly profile image

      jm2fly 

      8 years ago from United States of America

      I love my goatee. I also wear pantyhose or tights for underwear!

    • profile image

      panteelover 

      8 years ago

      I have worn both panties and a full beard for years and I am a "manly man". It looks as though Manly Man needs to try this. It may open up his mind.

    • profile image

      Wynter Storm 

      8 years ago

      Right on, Hope. I am a man who wears all three, and skirts in public on occasion, too.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      8 years ago

      Is there any reason they cannot wear all three, Mr Manly Man? :D

    • Manly Man profile image

      Manly Man 

      8 years ago

      That's more like it! Manly men wear beards, not bras and panties!

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