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Can You Tell Me The Purpose of a Cummerbund?

Updated on September 26, 2019
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth is a rural citizen of Hamilton, Ala., and has begun to observe life and certain things and people helping him to write about them.

Before I Begin

just let me get this off my chest: the word, cummerbund, brings with it, a number of different spellings—cummerbark, cummerbonn, and cummerbunt, which none of these are correct. But I trust my news source who told me that the correct spelling is cummerbund. I trust that source.

To be totally honest, if you live in rural Marion County in northwest Alabama, your thinking will soon begin to imagine many strange things about the word cummerbund. One sounds a lot like something a woman wears in the back of her hair. The other meaning is what another woman wears to accent the back of her dress into the waist. I do not know, but I do not know of any northwest Alabama guys who would dare wear a cummerbund in public, or suffer harsh beatings by his good friends—just to teach him a lesson that will stay with him for life.

Now, it is with great joy that I am proud to give you, a piece that I have worked on do it justice to both you, my sweet followers and to the cummerbund itsef. No one could ask that much more of one American citizen.

The Multi-Talented Cummerbund


People Who Can and Cannot Wear Cummerbund’s

  • Farmers – in any type of a farming locale, the farmer might look stylish for a few days, but then his farming neighbors would stand near his field and laugh at him and swear that “something” has went terribly wrong, and that humble farmer sporting that red cummberdund riding his John – Deere could do a good talking to by professional therapists.
  • Professional Therapists – are not prone to wear cummerbund’s, except when they have a yearly event called, “Annual Professional Therapists Blow-Out,” and then, every one of these professionals are given the opportunity to wear any color and style of cummerbunds, but sadly, not the waiters and waitresses. Funny. Even at this elite party there is noticeable amount of discrimination.
  • Soldiers Who Are in Battle – doing a fine job to preserve Democracy in our land and others. But I cannot see a hard-working soldier wearing a cummerbund, no matter the shape or color, and expect his troops to follow him for laughing at him behind his back.
  • Over-The-Road Truck Drivers – do not look hard and tough from the work they do, and they would not wear a cummerbund because it says, “Hello, fellow truckers in the truck stop restaurant. I want a big fight with you all,” But only if the trucker stands 7 foot tall, weights 200 pounds and can bench press circa 550 pounds ten times in repetition. Then he or she can wear anything he or she want wear anything he or she wants.
  • Girl Bunnies in Men’s Clubs – they would have to rely on their gorgeous faces and hope that the polka dot cummerbunds will not cause them to be from the circus.

Headless Cummberbund - Halloween-Related


Handy Things a Cummerbund Can Do

  • if you spill gravy, sauce,or a dab of mayonnaise on your pants, (or skirt if you are a girl), you can wipe the mess onto the cummerbund and no one will be the wiser.
  • If you are traveling cross-country through the arid landscape of Arizona, then your truck’s radiator cuts-out. There you are alone and no help in sight, but with a cummerbund around your waist, you can climb to the top of the nearest rock formation and begin to wave the cummerbund like a flag and before long, someone is bound to see you flapping your arms. You see? The red cummerbund saved your life.
  • And if you are alone, walking cross-state to prove you are healthier than Forrest Gump, then you get hungry, but no restaurants in sight. You find the nearest apple orchard and take off your cummerbund and use it for a basket. You can carry enough apples to live on until you feel like walking again.
  • A cummerbund makes the perfect rag for buffing-out the wax on your new car.
  • If you are walking at night in a dangerous part of town and see a gang of thug’s holding knives at you and swearing at you, just whip-off the cummerbund and wrap it around your head so it will look like a woman wearing a scarf, and sometimes, a woman can survive in these circumstances when a man could not.

Now that we have all been educated on cummberbunds, would someone please tell me besides this fashion item being wrapped around a guy’s girth while he is at a wedding or any fancy social event, what good is the cummerbund? If it is to pull-back a guy’s extra weight (that makes him look like (William Conrad, “Cannon,” a Quinn/Martin Production), do not try to convince me that there is not that many overweight guys headed to matrimony or enjoying cocktail parties.

September 26, 2019___________________________________________________

A Look That Sean Connery Would Like


© 2019 Kenneth Avery


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