Crocs: Scraping the bottom of the footwear barrel
Clogs are bad. Clogs on men? Oh, my stars, even worse! Clogs are horrifically ugly and if you’re, let’s say, running from a homicidal maniac, invariably one of your clogs will fall off, you’ll trip and fall and he will do unspeakable things to you.
But let’s take it to the next and far lower level: Crocs. Yes, those plastic rubbery brightly colored clogs with the handy hideous straps to keep them secured to your feet. And they’re full of holes! So when your feet stink from being swathed in rubber, no worries, you’ve got handy Croc-holes mimicking those seen in Swiss cheese. And these magical holes will let your feet breathe, somehow preventing foot odor. They can circulate air supposedly because they’re manufactured out of some indestructible yet bacteria-killing material. Oh and now they sell little sparkly do-hickies to attach to the holes to make them even tackier. Great!
I know that the fine people at the Crocs Company have been (rightly) branching out into the faux Uggs and leg-toning sandal markets, but I’m referring to the original Crocs—the rubber monstrosities seen on Walmart customers and the large tourists you see in the screening line at the airports. And lovers of garish shoes. Crocs make me flash back to that spot on TV showing nuns playing basketball in pumps.
Apparently these fugly shoes were popularized and marketed towards chefs, spa visitors, boaters, clowns and people with color-blindness. A chef wearing them makes sense to me. After all, they need comfy foam rubber to give them better traction while they run around the kitchen brandishing carving knives at their sous chefs with and blackening tilapia for 12 hours a day. But somehow the combination of Crocs and preparing foods seems un-hygienic, but maybe that’s just me.
Perhaps they really are suitable for chefs. Possibly nurses, so they can sneak up on sleeping patients to check their blood pressure at 4am. But that’s it. No one else. Vividly colored plastic shoes should not be seen in public. Period. Not on children, not on old ladies with bunions. And like eating quiche, honestly, men don’t wear Crocs. Although I heard George W. Bush wore them. And Michele Obama. They have been rumored to signify that a man is gay. Wait, what?
So they’re comfortable. Whoop-de-do. So are my house slippers shaped like Wile E. Coyote., But those are not fitting for public display either. If you’re too exhausted to wear anything other than Crocs, then for God’s sake, stay home.
You can’t expect all people to be fashionistas, but there is a line that is crossed when you don Crocs. Anyone with dignity would not wear them, and if you did in the early 2000s you should never ever admit it.
Crocs. Just don’t do it.
If you must...
- Crocs Official Site | Shoes, Sandals, & Clogs | Free Shipping
Crocs official website. Go ahead, walk a mile in our shoes. Comfy and colorful. Order direct!