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Crocs: Scraping the bottom of the footwear barrel

Updated on April 14, 2011

Clogs are bad. Clogs on men? Oh, my stars, even worse! Clogs are horrifically ugly and if you’re, let’s say, running from a homicidal maniac, invariably one of your clogs will fall off, you’ll trip and fall and he will do unspeakable things to you.

But let’s take it to the next and far lower level: Crocs. Yes, those plastic rubbery brightly colored clogs with the handy hideous straps to keep them secured to your feet. And they’re full of holes! So when your feet stink from being swathed in rubber, no worries, you’ve got handy Croc-holes mimicking those seen in Swiss cheese. And these magical holes will let your feet breathe, somehow preventing foot odor. They can circulate air supposedly because they’re manufactured out of some indestructible yet bacteria-killing material. Oh and now they sell little sparkly do-hickies to attach to the holes to make them even tackier. Great!

I know that the fine people at the Crocs Company have been (rightly) branching out into the faux Uggs and leg-toning sandal markets, but I’m referring to the original Crocs—the rubber monstrosities seen on Walmart customers and the large tourists you see in the screening line at the airports. And lovers of garish shoes. Crocs make me flash back to that spot on TV showing nuns playing basketball in pumps.

Apparently these fugly shoes were popularized and marketed towards chefs, spa visitors, boaters, clowns and people with color-blindness. A chef wearing them makes sense to me. After all, they need comfy foam rubber to give them better traction while they run around the kitchen brandishing carving knives at their sous chefs with and blackening tilapia for 12 hours a day. But somehow the combination of Crocs and preparing foods seems un-hygienic, but maybe that’s just me.

Perhaps they really are suitable for chefs. Possibly nurses, so they can sneak up on sleeping patients to check their blood pressure at 4am. But that’s it. No one else. Vividly colored plastic shoes should not be seen in public. Period. Not on children, not on old ladies with bunions. And like eating quiche, honestly, men don’t wear Crocs. Although I heard George W. Bush wore them. And Michele Obama. They have been rumored to signify that a man is gay. Wait, what?

So they’re comfortable. Whoop-de-do. So are my house slippers shaped like Wile E. Coyote., But those are not fitting for public display either. If you’re too exhausted to wear anything other than Crocs, then for God’s sake, stay home.

You can’t expect all people to be fashionistas, but there is a line that is crossed when you don Crocs. Anyone with dignity would not wear them, and if you did in the early 2000s you should never ever admit it.

Crocs. Just don’t do it.

Let's get some Crocs


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    • cashmere profile image

      cashmere 6 years ago from India

      My son loves his crocs. Its become difficult for me to get him to wear anything but the crocs.

    • profile image

      Old Empresario 6 years ago

      I am with you. I have always hated these things. I think the problem is that they were originally intended only to be worn when working in the backyard as an alternative to flip flops. If the grass is wet or you step in a puddle, the water flows out and you're still on the go. They were functional footwear, meant to be removed whenever you left the confines of your backyard. But as with all functional clothing, some people are going to try to wear them everywhere. Hopefully barefoot running shoes aren't next!

    • Taylorwise profile image

      Taylorwise 6 years ago from Austin, TX

      Well comfort is way low down on the totem pole when wearing shoes in NYC. 5 inch heels and designer brands, now them's important qualities.I may live in the boonies now but old habits die hard. When it comes to shoes, I'm still a style-over-substance kind of woman, as stupid as that may sound.

    • bbqsmokersite profile image

      bbqsmokersite 6 years ago from Winter Haven, Florida

      Have to disagree with you on this one, lady. While there are some basic style Crocs, some of the nicer ones are not bad at all. They look like Keen's or other nicer brand shoes. And after all, isn't comfort what it's all about?

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      A very entertaining hub. Thank you. I smiled all the way through.

    • Cogerson profile image

      Cogerson 6 years ago from Virginia

      The only crocs we own are for the 2 year and 4 year old....and they are cute on them....I would never ever wear crocs..thanks for a funny hub

    • Taylorwise profile image

      Taylorwise 6 years ago from Austin, TX

      I must admit I own some Jcrew clogs, b malin. and i have worn them. But I nearly went ass over teacups walking down some stairs one day. Maybe that's where my disdain stems from....

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Sorry Taylorwise, I've got a pair of Brown Leather and Black Leather Clogs and I do LOVE them, they are so comfortable and go great with Jeans...Still I enjoyed your Hub.

    • Bruce A. Beaudet profile image

      Bruce A. Beaudet 6 years ago from Canada

      101 uses for Crocs other than foot wear. ;)

      #2 pen holder

      #3 Christmas tree ornament

      #4 ?

    • Taylorwise profile image

      Taylorwise 6 years ago from Austin, TX

      B.A.B.: now THAT is a great marketable idea. Patent it.

    • Bruce A. Beaudet profile image

      Bruce A. Beaudet 6 years ago from Canada

      I think you could wear those Wile E. Coyote slippers in public...who is going to argue with a super genius?

      I'd like to see a Chia pet Croc.

    • Taylorwise profile image

      Taylorwise 6 years ago from Austin, TX

      thanks, I was thinking I was being too harsh on Crocs....

    • skalicia profile image

      skalicia 6 years ago from Jacksonville, Florida

      Crocs are pretty gross! Great hub.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      I agree! I am proud to say I don't own a pair of either!