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Men's Fur Coats Are Not Sexy

Updated on October 9, 2008

I’m not a fan of fur to begin with. I don’t like the idea of fuzzy little animals being harvested for the sake of fashion. I’m not a member of PETA (I agree with the philosophy but not the methods) but I have to say I don’t really feel much sympathy for people who wind up with their fur coats splattered with red paint. And before you turn this into a “hey, you wear leather, don’t you?” argument, let me change directions and just say this is really about fashion, not ethics.

Guys, you like look like sissies when you wear fur.

You surely don’t like anyone I’d like to be ravished by, and that should tell you something. Wearing fur decreases your odds of getting laid by leaps and bounds. Yes, some women will still shag you. And they probably suck in bed. And not in the good way. Also yes, in my last fashion article I mentioned shearling. This actually does look ok, especially on cowboys. But that’s not the kind of fur I’m referring to here. I’m talking mink, fox, chinchilla. Etc. Something you’d expect P. Diddy to be wearing. The only other exception I think of is one of those furry Northface coats you see in Scandinavia. If you just live in Manhattan, it ain’t cold enough to get away with that kind of frou-frou-ness, ok? If you insist on wearing them anyway, here’s a few examples of things to avoid:

Nothing blue, for God’s sake.

What planet does this look natural on? If you really want to look like you just stepped out of Monsters, Inc, go right ahead. Do not expect any women to swoon, apart from doing so out of shock.

Nothing that makes you look like you’re playing dress up in mommy’s wardrobe.

You should never look like you’re swimming in a garment. You especially shouldn’t look like you might have mommy’s knickers on underneath that coat – so don’t wear anything uber feminine looking.

Nothing that makes you look like a pimp.

Oh, sorry, you’ll have to avoid fur altogether for this one.

Nothing that makes you look like you just stepped out of Starsky and Hutch.

If you’re going to wear fur, at least wear something that looks like it belongs in this millennium.

Nothing that you might have to fight J. Lo over.

She appears to change fur more than she changes her panties, doesn’t she? Careful, wear something too garish and she’ll be wanting your goods. Nothing too flash, please. (If that’s even possible.)

Fur is just a big fat yuck on anyone, but women can get away with being cold and heartless. More easily than men, anyway. Shearling is really the only fur that serves a real purpose, ie keeps you very, very warm and is typically worn by farmers and cowboys who aren’t trying to make the cover of GQ.

The idea is not looking like you’re happy to slaughter furry things in the name of fashion. Besides, it just looks ridiculous!

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