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Fighting Evil With Fashion

Updated on February 14, 2010

Hello world in 2010, things seem a bit bleak now I know. There's the ever present threat of global terrorism, there's the financial crisis that is turning families onto the streets, and there have been enough snowstorms, mud slides and earthquakes to settle us all down for quite a while.

The world seems sad, but why not dress it up with fashion? When you're dressed sharply, those around you will have their spirits lifted. “Why,” they will say to themselves, “There is a fellow who knows how to spit-shine a pair of shoes.”

Fashion, although objectively entirely useless, plays a vital part in human society. Fashion lets us know that the human spirit is still strong. That is why prisoners are forced to wear hideous jump suits. They are stripped not only of their freedom, but of their fashion, and it crushes them on in the inside. They are marked men and women, unable to mix with the world at large because their bright orange, or perhaps black and white striped uniforms would give their status away immediately, even if they could slip away from the chain gang long enough to have lunch in a food court.

FUN FACT: Prisoners in the US are a workforce to rival that of Mexico or any other third world nation as they can be forced to work for mere cents a day. Refusal to work results in solitary confinement. International embargoes make it illegal to import goods created by slave or prison labor into the USA, but the bulk of license plates and many military goods such as helmets and uniforms are made by prisoners in prison sweat shops. Mmm. Feeding the war machine with the sweat and blood of the imprisoned. I like it.

Anyway, dressing with style can help to chase away recession blues, and the other ills of the world. Feeling sad that people in Palestine are being bombed with white phosphorus? Put on a floral dress and boogie your cares away in a club! You'll feel much better for it.

Worried about the fact that your email conversations could be sold to the government by your ISP? Why not brush your hair and put on a little lipstick! That way, next time your private pictures are intercepted by a faceless drone, you'll be looking not just presentable, but quite alluring.

Fashion takes time, effort and money to pay attention to, and that means you'll have less time, attention and money to worry about doing anything about the evils which plague the world. It will be almost as if they have ceased to exist entirely. In fact, the more self centered and focused on appearance you become, the prettier the world becomes as a result. Why, this brassiere I am wearing is so pretty I've almost forgotten it was probably made by a malnourished 8 year old in China.

Fashion wins again!


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