Five Things Guys Need To Stop Wearing
Every once in awhile there are guys (straight and gay) who get locked into a trend. Now to be clear, “trends” all have a shelf life, if they didn’t they’d be called, “classic.” Now there are times when I myself am a trend monster. God knows during the 80’s I had many a pair of parachute pants, worn with doubled up polos with the collar up and my hair coiffed into something akin to what Duran Duran sported so I know about some trends kids. But trends aren’t meant to last. The proof in this are the mullet and women who still have the blond hair with the dark roots from the 90’s trying to look like Morgan Fairchild. I get that some people hang onto a trend or hairstyle because it’s the last time they felt really good about themselves but people please take a good long look at yourself, the forty-year old self that is currently appearing in the mirror and ask yourself if you are seeing yourself as you are or as you once were, then get rid of the acid wash jeans. And if that all seems a bit too much for you to handle guys, allow me to assist you with the five things guys need to stop wearing – Don’t Get Me Started!
1. Ed Hardy Anything – This trend ended a long time ago but the grim reaper on it was when Jon Gosselin started hanging around with Christian Audigier threatening to design a kids clothing line with him and use his kids as the models. You can now get Ed Hardy dragons and tattooesque looking designs on lighters at convenience stores. Time to let the glittery skull shirt go that you used to think helped you get into clubs. (Knock offs from Ed Hardy such as Affliction are on notice that their fifteen minutes of fame are almost up as well)
2. The Silver Thumb Ring – I don’t know who started this or why they started it but it usually came with a soul patch which should also be gotten rid of. I have no idea why people feel the need to have thumb rings (or toe rings) for that matter but a recent trip to a Nordstrom found me amazed that the sales person who handed me my receipt was wearing a chunky silver thumb ring. These look stupid guys and are no longer a trend so please get rid of them. They look like your boyfriend gave you a ring and it was too big to wear on any of the usual suspected ring fingers so you wore it on your thumb. The same goes for the index finger ring. Only wear one of these if your Barnabas Collins from Dark Shadows (too young to get the reference? Look it up and know that Tim Burton is making a movie version of it soon with Johnny Depp as Barnabus)
3. The Faux Hawk Hair-Don’t – I’ve written about these before but for some reason the male population at large is not listening. You look like you’re an ad for Bob’s Big Boy or something in most cases. It doesn’t look cool, it doesn’t look as though you just rolled out of bed and that was the style that appeared. It looks exactly like it is, something you used way too much product and time to create. It looks silly, not cool so please enough all ready with this hairstyle, dudes.
4. Baggy Pants – if you spend more time pulling up your pants than doing anything else then allow me to save you some time. Get some damn pants that fit and perhaps even a magical device they call a belt. I’m not even talking about the really baggy pant wearers that had a song created by that guy who auditioned for American Idol – “Pants on the ground, pants on the ground…” I’m talking about the guys who just wear pants that are too big for them. I don’t know if you’re wearing them because you think they help disguise the fact that you’re so heavy you could be on next season’s Biggest Loser or if you think they’re cool but in most cases they just make you look sloppy which translates to lazy, unreliable and stupid. Plus, gals and guys alike appreciate a great ass on a guy and you’re depriving anyone who might be looking or interested in you in knowing just how great that ass of yours really is.
5. The Square Toed Dress Shoe – This is a trend that has stayed way too long at the runway. I don’t know who looks good in these or why the designers continue to shove them down the male population’s collective throats. To me they have a futuristic quality. A future where men stop having a normal shaped foot and have feet that look like large ice cream sandwiches or something. These types of shoes always look to me as if they would look really good with a Star Fleet jumpsuit. If you have anything in your wardrobe that fits this category (of only looking decent with a Star Fleet uniform) I beg you to either throw it away or join a local chapter of your Star Trek Fanatics club. (Don’t forget to wear your square toed shoes)
Look, I get it. Designers create trends to make money. They don’t always have the better interest of society in mind when they’re designing these things. I also know that we as a society have difficulty with change. (This goes for clothing, life or in a store when the register isn’t working properly and the person behind the counter has no idea how much change you should get for your twenty dollar bill for a $13.75 purchase) I know change can be difficult but if you take a small step you’ll be able to take the next small step and before you know it you’re walking across a restaurant and no longer embarrassing your spouse, significant other or general public. Come on, take the challenge like a man. You don’t really need a cobra wrapping around your thumb, now do you? You see how stupid that looks now, don’t you? And while you’re at it here are the five things guys need to stop wearing – Don’t Get Me Started!
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An acquired taste, like Tab cola, Some Like It Scott is one gay man's experiences with love, life and things that make him crazy, all done to a musical theatre soundtrack.