For God's Sake, Man, Shave Already!

I REALLY HATE TO come off sounding like I sit around my house all day finding things to complain about. I don't. When you see me in person you will automatically realize that I am a "live and let live" person. I don't awaken sleeping dogs. I let them lie. I am not in favor of making waves. Rocking the boat. Going against the grain. I'm an "all for one and one for all" type of guy who loves to be left alone, unhampered, to live his life in a quiet, peaceful way.

BUT MANY TIMES something, or in this case, someone, comes along to torment me day and night and I can take it. Up to a point. I can keep my mouth shut in order to keep down confusion and shatter the pseudo peace we all believe we have in America. I have on numerous occasions, agreed with people, even though they were dead-wrong, just to avoid a confrontation. I hate confrontations. To have one come at me. Or initiate one against anyone. This is what makes this story so hard to share.

AND TO MAKE MY STAND VERY CLEAR I want to address an elite. Cocky. Self-assured. Self-absorbed. Self-important group of guys in America who have all but caused me to have a cardiac arrest due to the aggravation that they cause when I see them on television in ads for things I either can't afford or want. EXAMPLE: The men's cologne BLUE, from Chanel. There is always a guy, with a "Five O'Clock shadow," hair gelled and bed-headed up. Looking non-caring at the extras in the ad playing as reporters. One hot girl "reporter" has asked "Mr. 5 O'Clock Shadow" a question. How do I know this? Because he looks confused. Unable to answer. And the question wasn't hard to begin with. This stylish. Cocky. Self-centered piece of work simply says in his spoiled-brat fashion, "I'm not gonna be the person I'm expected to be anymo," and walks away tearing down the set with his lanky frame. Just to sell me, and you, fella, a bottle of overly-priced cologne. The Chanel Company could have saved me the torture of seeing this prima donna and just showed the cologne with a voice-over, "Kenneth Avery, buy this cologne named BLUE today," and that would have been that.

BUT YOU SEE IT'S NOT the cologne. The hot girl "reporter." Or even the mind-twisting music in the background of this ad. It's the soft-shelled, "Five O'Clock Man," and his pack of nearly-shaved buddies who are running wild in our country--here and there. Near and far. Making themselves at home without being asked. Just because of their choice of not to shave for days. And days. Oh now don't misunderstand. The "Five O'Clock Men," do not have full-beards. No. That would entail too much labor. The "Five O'Clock Men," just have small patches on their chins and up each side of their faces to just "give" the illusion of being bearded. I'd be willing to give anyone $100.00 cash to introduce me to the person who said "Five O'Clock Men," were American men defined. Honest to God. I am so weary of seeing the "Five O'Clock Men" everywhere I go. Read. Or eat. They are there. As customers. Employees. Or in an ad on someoone's Tablet or IPad. Frankly, I have had it with these "Five O'Clock Men." And if I do not get some form of relief, I am concerned at what might happen to me. Tension-related heart attack? Maybe. Clinical depression? Already suffering that. I know. I might cave and start allowing my own face to become unshaven to just "play the game" so as to not offend the thousands of men and women who flock after The "Five O'Clock Men."

I PRESENT MY PERSONAL REASONS AS TO WHY "FIVE O'CLOCK MEN" DO NOT SHAVE

1. Laziness - when you are making bales of money for NOT shaving, why shave?

2. Image - is everything, someone once said. But why unshaven? Has the day already arrived where us men who still shave will have to bow out of the "Five O'Clock Men's" way?

3. Girls - supposedly love the "Five O'Clock Men." Just look at superstar actor, Colin Farrell. He always appears in public unshaven. So does Brad "love god" Pitt, Dane Cook and sometimes Roseanne Barr, who only does this for needed-attention. Farrell, Pitt and Cook do it for the girls they can get with just one wink.

4. Contractual Obligations - to the ad agencies who tell these non-confrontational "men" that they HAVE to wear facial hair or not get paid. I might cut them some slack on this one.

And I'm just getting started with this facial rant. I mean, isn't it enough that these super-famous, wealthy men, young and old alike, have already beaten us regular "Joe's" out of everything we had going on in our own country, now they have to add goatees to injury by acting like shaving is an obsolete thing of the past. Hey, Gillette Shaving Products, my favorite men's shaving company, take this is an early-warning. If the "Five O'Clock Men," have their way, your razor and shaving gel sales will soon plummet. Then you know what that means. Lay-offs. Slow-downs and more unemployment for the Republican Party to use against (current) president Obama. I can see the hand scratching the chin. And writing on the wall. It's almost like "dooms day," friends. Our placid and beautiful country taken-over by The "Five O'Clock Men."

Here is my personal

"List of Celebrities Who Wouldn't Look Good

With Five O'Clock Shadows."

I mean, let's be real here. Real honest with each other. Some celebrities, such as the ones I mentioned in the above story, are meant for wearing stubble and growth on their faces. Some celebrities are not. It's just that plain. Really simple, if you think about it.

1. Cast of Bonanza

2. Johnny Cash

3. Vice president, Joe Biden

4. Martha Madison

5. Paul Newman

6. Kathy Lee Gifford

These are but a handful of superstar-celebrities who "I" not only think, but know that they wouldn't have much of a career, (those who are still living), if they chose to do as the "Five O'Clock Men," and let their facial hair grow wild as the starving dogs of the Saran-Ghetti.

There would be no possible way that "I" could view one of their television shows or movies without cringing. Hey, I will go a step farther. In Kathy Lee Gifford's former-position as co-host of Regis and Kathy Lee, I can see Regis Philbin with a goatee and facial stubble. This extra touch might lend that "extra something" to his waning career.

All in all, I've had my say. My saddle is free from the cockle burr that had lodged itself under my behind. I feel somewhat better now that this story is ending. But I am not backing up, or down, on my views of the "Five O'Clock Men," for I can rest easy on the fact that I am a relic. A throw-back to the "Old School" (and not the hit movie with Will Farrel," where guys were not only taught to shave when they became young men, but they actually wanted to look good when they went out in public.

And one last bit of comfort I share with you. If I choose to shave everyday. Every other day. One day a week. Or two weeks each year. That's up to me.

I love looking presentable. Decent. And not a fear to little children in restaurants when I dine out. And even if the "Five O'Clock Men," and their beauty technicians and hairdressers were to come to my house, stick a blow dyer in my face and threaten to use it on me if I didn't become aligned with "Five O'Clock Men," then I'd just have to say,

"Go ahead. 'Blow away.'