Handbag-Fu, The Gentlemanly Art of Self Defense By Accessory
Many men are starting to see the value in carrying a handbag, or as some men like to call it, a 'man-bag'. Whilst the homogenization of dress is inevitable, so to is the continuation of the human penchant for random acts of satisfying violence. A man who carries a hand bag may find that he is more often singled out for acts of violence, as the average thug lacks the brain power to realize that even though a man might be wearing a dress, he nevertheless is fully equipped with an entirely male physique.
Handbag-Fu is the natural result of thousands of years of martial arts wisdom distilled through the medium of the handbag. When used correctly, a handbag is not only a stylish and covenient method of traipsing about the planet with more worldly goods than one could possibly have any kind of need for, it is also a deadly weapon when weilded in well manicured, yet competent hands.
The practitioner of handbag-fu should always take care to ensure that the ridiculously long shoulder strap that handbags come with remains attatched to the handbag at all times. Many handbags come with a shoulder strap that has the handbag hanging at about knee height, which is incredibly useless if you happen to be a dainty female, but perfect for the manly handbag-fu practitioner. Why so? As we are all well aware, when swung about one's head, the handbag will have considerably more force behind it if it is swung with a longer strap. A short strap is entirely useless for the handbag-fu practitioner, and a handbag swung with a short strap has virtually no chance of bringing down a criminal miscreant fleeing in the opposite direction. Properly handled however, a handbag is capable of bringing a 300 pound man down at 200 paces.
Handbag-Fu also requires correct weighting. Female handbag carriers have known for years that a handbag should be stuffed to the brim with all manner of items and objects. Observing this from a distance, many men laughed and believed that women were too silly to pare down the weight they carried around with them. Handbag-fu practitioners know differently however, they are well aware that a handbag stuffed with books, liquid cosmetics, bottles of purified spring water and iron filings makes for a an excellent blunt weapon. When swung by the little handle, the one that is inevitably riveted on with chunky industrial strength rivets, a handbag becomes the socially acceptable equivalent of a brick in a stocking.
Handbag-Fu is powerful. Are you man enough to master it?