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How To Wear Horizontal Stripes And Survive

Updated on September 16, 2010

Stella McCartney has been causing trouble in the neighborhood by bringing back thick horizontal stripes, which can be successfully worn by women like Victoria Beckham, who survive largely on a diet of herbal tea and loathing, but which could be more dangerous than a bear trap for ladies possessing curves of the bust and hip nature.

The stripe is a fashion staple. It never goes away, it simply lurks, waiting for a chance to leap out and wrap itself around you in a way that could either be incredibly flattering or deeply disturbing. Everyone knows that vertical stripes, like pin stripes, are slimming. They're not just slimming, but they're also very gravitas conferring. A lady in a pinstripe suit is a lady you listen to. A lady in chunky horizontal stripes, on the other hand, is a lady who is probably wondering why she suddenly feels so wide compared to the door frames of her house.

Remember, women who like to wear clothes, we must remain vigilant when it comes to fashion, for not all fashion will be flattering to us. For every stylish top that draws attention to our positive attributes and makes our less favored physical qualities melt away, there is one like this, an item of clothing that looks lovely when worn by a stick thin celebrity, but which when worn by real world woman who didn't name her children after bridges transform into hideousness with extreme prejudice.

Of course, if you're prepared to risk it this season, to simply allow Stella McCartney to become your own personal Mordor and wear clothing inspired by her fashion mischief, then you must take these tips two:

Fit Is Everything


Not too tight! A tight top with horizontal bands can give the wearer the appearance of being a delicatessen sausage. If you must walk the frail tight rope that is the horizontal stripe, be sure to check your safety equipment thoroughly before you set out.

A slightly baggy horizontal stripe is far less damaging than a tight horizontal stripe because the bagginess introduces a waviness to the stripe that dilutes its visual fattening power. If you must wear horizontal stripes, make sure you leave plenty of room between them and the lines of your body.

Choose Colors Wisely


Not too bright! Beige and brown is fine. Gray and blue is also fine. Pink and red will make you look like you escaped from a candy factory. Black and white will make you look like an escaped convict, which will add a edge of danger and mystery to your appearance and make you entirely alluring to bad boy types who'll steal your favorite tea spoons and never you back.

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