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How to Appear Like You Have Dry Pants When You Wet Your Pants
The situation may vary from one person to another, but the response remains the same: devastation! Your pants have gone from dry, to awry, and your mind is now flying at 100 miles per hour in an attempt to recover from this greatest of travesties.
You have wet your pants.
Preparing for an "accidental wetting" is something that all intelligent socialites should do. You never know when the situation may present itself and having an emergency plan in place will save you from years of embarrassment, failed relationships, and a shattered self-esteem. If you wait until their wet to start planning, a disaster is sure to ensue.
How do you prepare for such a colorful, stinky, and moistening predicament? By knowing why accidental wettings take place, what preventative measures to have lined up, and how to react when the situation is at hand. After reading this article you will never again feel uncomfortable meeting new people or spending time with old friends because this embarrassing, age-old predicament won't catch you off guard.
Why People Wet Their Pants
Everyone knows why a baby wets her pants - she's not tall enough to sit on the toilet. We are all also aware of why elderly people have accidents - they feel like they need to go to the bathroom, but then they forget about it until it's too late.
However, why would you, someone old enough to read this article and young/active enough to be traversing the internet, end up feeling as if you've just stepped into a warm pool? There are three common situations in which an accidental wetting can happen to someone who would otherwise be seen as living at the height of dryness.
1. Laughing Too Hard
Though more common among women then men, it is still not unheard of. A friend tells a joke, at first you don't get it, and then, as if a dam of humor has just broken, you collapse to the floor in a flood of laughter. Sadly, simultaneously, another dam breaks, and you also end up in a flood of, well, unpleasantries (I just made that word up).
If you would like to see a situation in which this took place, notice Ardie's comment on my article A Flawless Way to Meet Women. Apparently reading this article caused her such a horror - but please, don't judge her too harshly, it is a pretty good article.
2. Trying to Hold it In to Avoid Awkwardly Having to Say that You Need the Restroom
Maybe you're walking through the mall with new friends, driving down the road with an angry relative, or sitting at a restaurant with a hot date. Regardless of the exact scenario, the point is, you're too embarrassed to suggest your need to let loose. Therefore, you continue sitting, holding, holding, holding, until alas, one can hold it in no longer.
While the average reader is probably thinking, "Man up! Say what you're really thinking!" Allow me to suggest that you refrain from making judgements... Many people have gone into a job interview, taken the window seat of an aircraft, or attended a concert with date, confident in both themselves and their ability to make it to a restroom in the necessary amount of time - only to, aghast, cry themselves to sleep that evening, embarrassed, wet, and alone. Never judge others!
3. Falling Asleep Unplanned
Sleep - it's how we spend nearly a third of our lives, and it's bound to catch us unprepared at some point. The most common close calls take place if one goes over to a friends house to pull an all-nighter watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, ends up stranded in an airport with an extra long layover, or is riding on a long train across Europe.
The best preventative measure here is to practice the "wake-and-hold". This is the process of always waking up with a tightened bladder. If the "wake-and-hold" becomes instinct, when you suddenly wake up because you're about to go, your body will have already taken control and you won't have to panic about what to do.
Again, this is a situation that most people have probably experienced at several points in their lives. Even if you've been victorious up to this point against waking to wet pants, it's never a bad idea to develop a strategy in case next time you wake up just a little too late.
Before the Flow
Once you know when accidental wettings most frequently occur, it is a good idea to approach any activity that may lead to a wetting, well prepared. Here are five preparatory steps to keep your guard up:
1. Go Before You Get There
If you play with fire, you are definitely going to get burned. Use it before you lose it in public. This is common knowledge and the first step to avoiding an awkward situation. Just go before you get there!
2. Know the Location of the Nearest Facility
A map isn't necessary, but a keen eye is. Although few of us can have the observation abilities of Jason Bourne, we can still keep our eyes out for a restroom. If a sudden disaster approaches, you don't want to run in the opposite direction of safety.
3. Have an Exit Strategy
A solid backup plan is always a good idea. Constantly be thinking, "what would I do if it happened now?" This kind of thinking, and the brainstorming that ensues, will prepare you for when the disaster does strike.
Things to keep in mind when planning an exit strategy: how to face away from the crowd discretely, know the location of furniture that can be used for shielding purposes, and observe any drinks or other water sources that could quickly be thrown on oneself as a coverup.
4. Avoid Wearing Pants Magnetic-to-Water
There are some pants that you could fall into a lake wearing, and still look dry. Meanwhile, other pants get soaked if you walk next to a drinking fountain. Buy the former and avoid the latter. Don't be embarrassed to ask the cashiers at the department store which pants hide moisture most frequently. Rest assured, this is a common question and it is highly unlikely that strange faces or assumptions will be made. But even if they are, you'll be the one laughing after successfully hiding an accidental wetting.
5. Have Backup Britches
This is a very obvious statement, but so few people heed to its common sensitivity. When taking a test, one regularly has two pencils. When driving a car, one has an extra tire. Why not be smart and do the same with your pants? Carry an extra pair and life's little surprises won't be surprising you.
In The Heat of the Moment
It's happened! The Japanese were sure to bomb Pearl Harbor. The American auto companies were guaranteed a bail out. It was only a matter of time before that accidental wetting was going to take place... and that time is now.
I highly recommend that you print out the following steps, place them in your wallet next to the one hundred dollar bills, and never go anywhere without your wallet.
Whether reading these six steps as a preventative, or during the moment itself, remember that failing to follow them in this precise order could lead to an unattractive outcome. Never has following directions perfectly been of such great importance.
1. Smile Calmly
The natural instinct is to widen your eyes, open your mouth, and make some form of a gasping sound. This would be similar to a movie doing a flash-forward, completely giving away the end and defeating the entire purpose of the production.
No, the necessary response is to smile calmly. This will help you relax and prevent anyone from suspecting what you already know to be true.
2. Take Cover!
Now that no one is suspecting, quickly find something to cover yourself with. Find a blanket, napkin, small child - anything really! Just get that spot covered. This step, though obvious, must be done with tact and precision to prevent the situation from taking a turn for the worst.
3. Point Out a Distraction
"Look! A plane/dog/car/woman/bug/elephant/tv/iPhone/book/drink/old-friend/favorite-food/flying-hippo!"
The exact item is of little importance. The key here is to get the crowd looking at anything other than you. Find something this is A) of interest to those being distracted, and B) capable of absorbing a significant amount of time. Doing this smoothly and calmly will provide the wettie with ample time to determine the next step of action.
4. Add More Moisture
Although not always necessary, most situations will call for this activity. Find the nearest beverage, fish tank, or peeing dog, and flock to it like peanut-butter on bread! By adding more moisture and pointing it out, yes, you may be slightly teased and embarrassed, but trust me, the pain will be far longer lasting if the original cause of wetting is discovered.
5. Extract Yourself from the Situation
Now is when you find that restroom, your car, or a guest room. Get AWAY from the crowd! It will be far easier to think when able to relax and not feel the pressure of those around you - even if they don't know what's going on. Your social life is too valuable to hide something that could destroy it under a table.
Relax, think, and prepare your last move.
6. Change Your Pants or Flee
If you've already read my preparatory steps, and abide by them, then the last step is easy - change your pants! This will allow you to go back out to the fun and enjoy life once more. People might wonder why you changed. The answer is up to you. Comfort, to be different, for the sake of mystery, or even jokingly say you wet your pants (this will get a laugh and allow you to still be honest!).
However, if you have failed to heed my previous advice and keep a backup pair on hand, I'm afraid the only solution you have remaining is to run like the dickens! Find a window to sneak out of, leave items in the other room behind, and run, run, run. At this point Forrest Gump is your one and only role model.
Yes, it is sad that you will probably never see the people you ran from ever again. But remember this, losing a few friends is a small price to pay for the security of knowing that you won't spend the rest of your life wet, alone, and mocked. Just make sure you get that pair of backup pants now - or else, eventually, you will run out of friends (quite literally because you are constantly running away from them).
For more laughs check out:
How would you describe your pants wetting situation over the past year?
Fortunately, accidental wettings are few and far between. This is something to be thankful about because, when one does it, it leaves a trail of nightmares one might never forget. To stay safe and dry remember:
- Know if you will be in a situation where a wetting could occur.
- Come prepared.
- Practice with imaginary scenarios.
- Enjoy life with dry pants!
While it has been a few years since my last wetting, and although I had not thought of what I would do in such situations until writing this article, I am confident that the knowledge stated in the article has the ability to save lives - socially.
Have you wet your pants? Do you have a plan? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.