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How to Grow a Beard (And What to Do With it Afterwards)

Updated on October 21, 2010

Ever wanted to know how to grow a beard? Or do you already have one, but are just confused as to the next step?

I will intend to address both concerns in this hub and give a few tips.

How to Grow a Beard

You will need:

- A face
- Testosterone

Hopefully, you already have a face. If you do not, there's not a whole lot which can be done here. Hopefully, you also have an adequate supply of testosterone flowing through your veins from your gonads. (If this is not the case, see your local pharmacist for a vial of the good stuff. Or if you are less than teen-aged and that's the problem, just wait a few years.)

(Btw, I don't really recommend using hair loss products to grow a beard. It might not be a good idea, since Rogaine and the like are not intended for facial hair, but if you feel like taking a chance, let me know how it turned out.)

Now, onto...

Step 1:

Do not shave your face.

Step 2:

Keeping in accordance with step 1, wait a few weeks.

Step 3:

Have women rub their hands all over your stubly face.

(This might not actually be much help, but let's pretend it's scientifically proved to enhance facial hair growth.)

If you followed these directions correctly, you should now have a beard.

(On a side-note:

How to Grow a Beard If You're a Girl

See above: Get testosterone.

See, the reason why girls or women don't grow beards [usually] is largely due to the fact that female bodies don't make as much testosterone as those of males.

Of course, if you go so far as to actually add more testosterone to your body, it likely will give you other things besides the beard that you might not want--like a deep voice, pimples, and, know, a dangling doo-hickey, albeit a small one. Seriously.

Small price to pay to be a bearded lady, right?

But, anyway...)

Now that you have a beard, what do you do with it?

- Scare Young Children -

Hide in the bushes and jump out when children walk by, pretending to be a werewolf.

- Grow it really long and braid it -

And put little barrettes in it. Tie it in cute little ribbons. Dye it all sorts of awesome colors.

- Hide things in it -

If your beard is thick enough, you can hide things like snacks and paper money in it, maybe even your car keys. No one is likely to want to reach in there, so most of your stuff should be safe.

- Use your face to dust furniture -

Why use a broom or feather duster? Use your bristly face to clear the dust bunnies from that coffee table. Make sure to use wood polish!

- Use your face to scratch itches. -

If the hair on your face is coarse enough, use it to scratch itches on your body and other people's bodies by rubbing your face on the offending spot.

- Use it as a gas mask. -

If your beard is long enough, fold it up and over your nose and mouth to protect yourself from fumes.

- Make a wig. -

If your facial hair grows fast enough and long enough, and you also happen to be bald on the top of your head, you can harvest it to make a toupee.

- Tie people up with it -

Again, if you can grow the beard long enough, you can tie people to your face to keep them from running away from you.

- Clog the sink or bathtub with stray hair. -

This may seem like a bad thing, but it doesn't have to be for you if you pick the bathroom of someone you hate.

- Look unkempt. -

Nothing can make you look more like a barefoot hippie than a scraggly beard. (Not even bare feet.)

No matter what you do with your beard, remember to have fun with it and appreciate it. There are many men out there who just suck a growing beards and, just think, you're one of the lucky ones with a full face of hair.


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      thanks for the laugh 3 years ago

      How are there no comments on this? It's exellent. Thanks for the laughs, mate.