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I Know Why The Padded Underwear Butt Sings
Whilst major celebrities and sports stars get the big bucks for endorsements I continue my slow and steady path to major celebrity as would only happen to me. After writing a couple of blogs about my butt I was delighted when a savvy marketing gal contacted me about what I’d been writing about. She obviously found one or both of my blogs and decided I’d be the perfect person to try out the original butt padded underwear from a company named www.buttforyou.com. And so it came to pass that I know why the padded underwear butt sings – Don’t Get Me Started!
As much as I lament about my ass (What gay man doesn’t? I’ll tell you who, the ones with the perfect “bubble” asses that look as if you could set tea on them and they’d never notice.) As much as I complain I have to say that my ass is just fine. I don’t have the ass I had at eighteen but I have to (like a rapper in his Grammy acceptance speech does) thank God that he was kind enough to not give me one of those asses that seems to be flatter than a pancake and go down the back of my thigh. I do miss my perky butt but at this age I’m too lazy to go to the gym to correct it and so plastic surgery seems to become a more and more attractive possibility. It’s funny the things that we think we’d never do when we’re young that as we grow older suddenly become more plausible or shall I say, palatable? I would never have thought of plastic surgery (other than for my gigantic nose that I went to a plastic surgeon about when I was twelve but my parents talked me out of it) to me plastic surgery has always seemed for people who really had emotional problems but now if I could get bicep implants to go with the six pack abs they can now create and if I could find a doctor who would throw in the nose job with it, I might consider it…heavily. Okay no I wouldn’t, I’d be too afraid that whatever the worst thing is that could go wrong would happen. As they were doing the lipo they would accidentally suck out my kidney or something, my nose would end up looking worse than when it started and the bicep implants would shift until I became like a Ken doll who couldn’t bend his arms at the elbow because my bicep would have slid into the crook of my arm making it impossible for me to bend them. No, I don’t see plastic surgery in my future any time soon.
But I digress, back to our story. The company that contacted me claims to be the original padded butt underwear company – buttforyou.com (And I’m sure they are but since I didn’t do any major research on the topic I can only tell you what they told me.) I was simply all a twitter (and not in a “tell everyone what I’m doing in 140 characters” kind of way) when the package was delivered to my home. Now remember that I didn’t feel as though I needed these but perhaps it was just the Jew or hypochondriac in me that could barely contain myself as I opened the package. It was free and by the time they got to my door I had convinced myself that I needed them…badly. The ones that they sent me had the “slim pads” in them. Now although my stomach has grown more abundant as time has progressed; my hip or ass to ass cheek ratio has stayed pretty small. I was afraid that the pads would wrap around my hips giving me a pear shape but when I slipped them on indeed the pads were just where they were supposed to be, on my ass.
There I was in my bedroom with the full length mirror. First I tried on a pair of shorts without the magic pants and then I tried them with the padded underwear. I didn’t notice a huge difference but I could see a little something. But the shorts were kind of baggy so then I tried practically every other pair of pants I own in the same way. It was exhausting but hey, they sent them to me for my opinion and I wasn’t going to give it without all the research. The end result, my ass is pretty substantial on its own and while the underwear did “enhance” my assitude I don’t think it would cause people to stop me on the street. I think that these magic pants are really for people who have little to no ass, an enhancement without being a bubble butt in a bag.
Does it work? I didn’t really come to any conclusions other than the fact that I can still make my guy shake his head in disbelief about the zany things I do after twenty plus years together. But I can tell you that much like when you roller skate for awhile, after wearing them and then switching to some regular underwear I felt as though I was still wearing the butt for you magic pants. I could still feel the pads in a sense memory kind of way on my ass (Maybe it’s the actor in me? Very Method!). I don’t know when I’ll actually wear this underwear out but I did think they would be great if I ever went anywhere that you had to sit on hard bleachers as the padding seems enough to make a day on the bleachers much more comfortable. So the verdict? If you need an ass and don’t want to go the plastic surgery way, these are an affordable way to enhance what God didn’t see fit to give you. (And yes, they make them for women too) But much like being a prostitute or a politician, I think it’s a decision you need to make for yourself. I know why the padded underwear butt sings – Don’t Get Me Started!
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An acquired taste, like Tab cola, Some Like It Scott is one gay man's experiences with love, life and things that make him crazy, all done to a musical theatre soundtrack.