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Macy’s Is Holding My Underwear Hostage

Updated on March 11, 2009


We all know that a gay man is only as good as his underwear, right? I mean, that’s a given. I remember how the gays put the “trunk” or “boxer brief” style underwear on the map. We did such a good job that it was even a joke on Will and Grace where Will is doing his laundry and Molly Shannon says, “You funny gay guy.” And when he asks how she knew she points out the fact that he has so many pairs of boxer briefs that it was obvious. So I would have to say that I’m pretty stereotypical when it comes to wanting to have nice underwear. I guess I feel that if you feel good underneath that at some level it’s bound to come out in the way you carry yourself, look, etc. And while my body in no way shape or form resembles the abdomen of the guy on the box I’m a sucker for good packaging and deluding myself that it’ll look exactly the same way on my Oompah Loompah shape of a body. So I went to Macy’s the other day to get some underwear and while checking my ID (as I was using a credit card) the woman told me that there was a sale coming up three days for locals and that I could get the 20% off if I paid for it now, left the underwear and came back when the sale was on to pick it up. Macy’s is holding my underwear hostage – Don’t Get Me Started!

Now let me say that I had never heard of such a thing as a store “keeping” your purchase that you’ve all ready purchased and not letting you have it until a special day. I’ve always been the one who doesn’t have the coupon from the paper, the shirt I choose is NOT one of the ones on sale or something that shopping always ends up with me feeling as though I came close but didn’t quite make it when it came to the big sale that had just ended or was going to go on a day after my purchase. My timing when it comes to sales  is so bad that I wonder if the Jews aren’t going to throw me out at some point soon because as we all know, Jews never pay retail and if they do it’s when a sale is going on. However let it be known that I was still Jew enough to get the 20% and wait the few days.

The thing is that as I was walking away from the counter I wondered if I should have just been a sport and paid the full amount. Walking away with just a receipt is a little like wanting an Ipod or something and when you open the box that is shaped like it thinking “this is it” you find it’s a gift certificate for an Ipod instead of the real thing.  Patience you say? I’ve never had any. If I want something, I want it now. That’s right, I’m a much older, gayer, Jewish version of Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka.

And although I know the DKNY shirt I bought was on the rack before I semi-purchased it and that the underwear would remain in their boxes and plastic packaging until I pick them up it makes me nervous. First of all I worry that they’ll misplace everything and I’ll have nothing but the receipt. Second I worry that someone is going to be like, “Hey, look what this guy bought let me try it all on.” (And even though nothing is touching my body before being washed it still is a little oogie boogie feeling to me…and not in a disco classic “get down, boogie oogie, oogie” kind of way). I guess more than anything I don’t understand why they’re holding it and why they couldn’t give it to me when I bought it?

I get that they want me to come back and purchase even more stuff as the sale is going on but I’ve all ready seen everything they have to offer and unless they’re going to pay me to take last year’s Affliction t-shirts off their hands (which they have a gross of them hanging on the shelves) I’ll be going home with my boxes of underwear, package of 2Xist undershirts and the DKNY dress shirt only. Just not today, or tomorrow, not when I purchase it or when I say but when Macy’s says I can have it. Ugh. Talk about taking the gay out of a gay day of underwear shopping! Macy’s is holding my underwear hostage – Don’t Get Me Started!

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