Men In The US Who Wear Kilts
Actually, I think that this goes beyond the United States but as this is where I live and what I know, I feel as though I can only talk to this issue here in the "states." You see, this morning I went into the Starbucks near my home (yes, I have two of them - my work week Starbucks and my weekend Starbucks, who says we're not all creatures - and prisoners - of our habits?) there I was in Starbucks having my usual light-hearted banter with the baristas and then this couple walked in. There they were, her with her badly dyed blonde hair, her too much makeup that at first I almost didn't notice her partner in crime. There he was in all his over six foot glory, a very large man in what can only be what he thought was a kilt. Men in the US who wear kilts - Don't Get Me Started!
All at once all the stereotypes of those who wear kilts when they're not on the moors came rushing to me as I continued my observing of this couple. You see, if you start from the head of this guy in the kilt, he couldn't be more typical of that sort. First there was the thin but long (past shoulder-length) hair that was not exactly curly and yet not straight but one thing could not be denied, it had the "wet" look. Like a bad Jerry Curl, it was wet and hanging in a way that made it look more greasy than wet (not attractive in the least). Next was the requisite facial hair of a beard and mustache. Both the hair on his head and his face were blacker than black that made me wonder if you got closer if you would see that it was all dyed for "effect." From the neck down, things became even more confusing.
The shirt he was wearing was a darkish gray shirt sleeved polo shirt (a no-name Old Navy sort of a looking thing, not a great fit, not a great color but you can be sure it was cheap). What was most surprising was the "kilt" itself. It didn't look like a kilt at all. It was a black pleated skirt actually. That's right, no green and blue plaid or some other jaunty mix of "clan colors" but a simple black, pleated all the way around skirt I tell you. Of course he had the light leather string pouch around his waist (pushed down from the weight of his large stomach hanging over the top of his skirt) that can only be described as a "tummy pack" instead of a "fanny pack." The socks were black knee socks but were so sheer that they allowed you to see his hair through them a bit, think women's stockings. And finally, what is almost always seen when the US men wear their kilts, huge combat looking boots to add a couple of extra inches to his height and overall appearance.
His wife or girlfriend stood beside him quite proud looking at her fine Neanderthal-looking lover and I'm sure that they're also "Rennies" (read my definition of the "Rennies and why they scare me here... http://hubpages.com/hub/Renaissance_People_Scare_Me ). Years ago I did theatre with a guy who had the "Scottish Fixation" he wore the kilts whenever he could, he had the hair/beard/mustache trio and even changed his last name to "MacLeod" like the character from the "Highlander" series (I only know about this because of this guy) and would often be heard saying he was "MacLeod from the clan, MacLeod" for no apparent reason other than the fact was that this was what the guy said on the television series apparently. Of course there were fundamental problems with this whole issue from the get go. First of all, the guy was Jewish and his real last name was Goldfarb so no matter how many Celtic tattoos he got, kilts he wore, trips to Scotland, alas he would always be Barry Goldfarb and he too looked ridiculous in the kilts he wore.
I guess I wouldn't mind the whole kilt thing if you were actually a transplant from somewhere where they were actually worn but the fact is that most of the men I see wearing them here in the states are really just wearing them for one reason only, attention. That's right, there's really no other reason to wear one unless of course you're doing it to lower the temperature of your sperm to assist in getting your wife pregnant or you have a yeast infection you're trying to "dry out."
But if you must wear a skirt, gents (and yes, it's a skirt not a kilt when you wear it in the US) at least have the decency to wear a colorful plaid one and wear the proper blouse with it for Gosh sakes. While "basic black" is suitable for most looks; in a kilt unless you're going to a kilt funeral (for someone else who wears a kilt or in my mind, the real deal, which is burning all your kilts and having a funeral for your wannabe years) I don't want to see it. Men in the US who wear kilts - Don't Get Me Started!
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