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Razor Intuition: You Need the Sharpness of Razor Intuition
Stone Age man needed facial hair to protect from mammoth mosquitoes and mammoth woolly mammoths. The Ice Age was cold (hence the name). A full bushy beard provided safety from newly invented "fire" technology, which spread warmth throughout the cave but often distributed a red-hot ember or three. No self-respecting Piltdown Man would show up for the morning hunt sporting a freshly shaven visage; he'd be laughed out of the clan.
Today, Razor Intuition is a Social Necessity
Fast forward to modern society. Scaggly bearded cavemen have been supplanted by ... well... scraggly bearded athletes, rock stars, congressmen, and protesters at the G20 Summit. Beards extending beyond the adams apple are frowned upon, but a day or two of carefully trimmed hairy growth can be the difference between getting to lead the protest against the riot police and being stuck in the back of the pack beyond the view of the TV cameras.
We manly men require razor intuition to succeed in today's social competition. We need the absolute sharpest configuration of parallel blade arrays that can be mustered by manly scientists. We want to look like we tried to shave, but things just didn't work out as we planned. We aspire to the 'almost shaved' look popularized by Seattle grunge bands.
Blades are not enough
Certainly, blades comprise a significant portion of shaving technology. Along with sharpened steel, however, comes a super cool handle, a glide strip, and dayglo packaging. This amalgam works in concert to deliver a perfect semi-shave every time. The handle magically conforms to your shaving hand. It becomes a part of your body. You hardly notice 5 razor-sharp blades floating mere microns above your face as the glide strip reduces friction to an afterthought.
How sharp is sharp?
How do we know when it's sharp enough? Razor intuition tells us that high tech coatings applied to cutting edge metallic technology ensconced in plastic packaging can only be effective in sets of at least 5 blades. Each blade might be sharp enough to split hairs on the McLaughlin Group, but each blade by itself is truly old school cutting. Only 5 blades acting in concert could possibly provide the level of closeness necessary to impress cable TV news magazines and screaming hordes of groupies. We need blades to sharp that they only have one side. We need blades so finely honed that The Manhattan Project could have been completed on time and under budget. We find what we need at the corner pharmacy; using online coupons we purchase our razor intuition at deeply discounted prices.
Other Uses for Razor Intuition
Accumulate enough razor intuition points and become eligible for your own reality television series. The Shaving Channel needs programming. Selling advertising is no problem; Shick, Gillette, Phillips, Panasonic, and The University of Arkansas have all purchased commercial time. A few episodic shows are already in production:
- My Mother the Schick: A man learns that his Mother has been reincarnated as an electric razor. He receives maternal advice from her each morning before work.
- Shaving With the Stars: Everyday people apply rich creamy foam to the faces of B-List movie stars and former pro athletes.
- America's Got Razor Burn: Everyday people apply astringent to the faces of B-List movie stars and former pro athletes.
- This Old Razor: Dull, crusty, pitted blades are restored using modern technology.
- CSI: Crime Shaving Investigation: Dull, crusty, pitted plot lines are solved by professional barbers using modern technology.