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Russia Claims Kim Kardashian's Hot Butt

Updated on October 13, 2009

Having lost parts of Georgia recently, the Russian government has decided to save face by claiming Kim Kardashian's ass as part of Russia. A Kremlin spokesperson made a statement to international press on Tuesday announcing: "The Kardashian region has interested us for years, and at last, we have decided to take steps to claim Kim Kardashian's ass for the glory of Russia. Plans are underway for the reunification of Kim Kardashian's buttocks with the rest of Russia, and whist we hope to avoid military action, specially trained crack troops are standing by in case of trouble."

The basis of Russian's claim on Kim's ass is the spotting of what appears to be very strongly outlined hammer and sickle shapes in the subcutaneous layer of Kim's ass (the layer previously described by Paris Hilton as the 'cottage cheese' layer). This is strong proof that, at one time, at least part of Kim Kardashian's bottom was a part of the USSR.

Since the break up of the USSR, the Russian government has allegedly been on a secret mission to reclaim the parts it lost (not unlike that cartoon where robot cats spread around the world in volcanoes and at the bottom of lakes and in desert oasis and whatnot could reform into a giant robot capable of saving the world.)

Naturally the US has expressed concern over Russia's claim on Kim Kardashian's ass, claiming that it is most certainly part of American territory, and citing data which indicates that were it not for the ongoing support of American food manufacturers, Kim's ass would certainly not be at its juicy best.

International land claims this large are usually the domain of the UN, however Kardashian has been advised against referring the matter to the UN due to the very real possibility that her ass will end up being divided in two, one cheek going to the Russians, the other to the Americans. "I don't need a Cold War on my ass." Kim joked with friends outside her boutique.

Advisors to the Kardashian family have put forth several avenues of action which may yet save Kim a trip to Russia. "Stairmasters, treadmills, elliptical trainers, they could all help." Commented an ass reduction specialist.

"Surgical strikes are also a distinct possibility if we cannot resolve this conflict with diplomacy." A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon chimed in, snapping on rubber gloves in a rakish manner.

In spite of the fact that Dimitri Medvedev has been in power since mid 2008, some claim that this latest ass grab is an action from ex President, now Prime Minister Putin. "This could easily have Putin's hands all over it." One analyst said after viewing extended footage of the ass in question.


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      Phillyfreeze69 7 years ago

      If Russia wants to claim Kim's phat ass there are diplomatic channels set in place to handle just this kind of incident that if left unresolved could easily cause tension among the USA and Russia that could escalate into a possible freeze on nuclear armaments.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      Hi, Kim. Excellent hub. Very funny, and the pics are...interesting. Thanks for the laugh!