Shoe Addiction: What is it about shoes?

I’ve been asked many times what it is about shoes that makes this normally very ungirly girl, turn into a raging mass of estrogen and pink hair bows. What is it anyway? Well, if you’re reading this while lovingly looking at your favorite pair of platform heels (well, maybe not your favorite, the black ones might be your favorite, or maybe the snakeskin, oh it’s too hard to decide) then you already understand. If you lack the equipment (aka you are male) or have just never experienced the thrill of a shoegasm, read on.

Shoes are pieces of art. I own shoes that haven’t been on my feet since I tried them on at the store. These shoes are prominently displayed in my ever-more-crowded-walk-in-and-breath-in-the-joy closet. That’s because they are beautiful. I bought them to look at and not to put on my feet. There are a rare few of these. I’ve been asked why I don’t sell them-throw them away-donate them-just get rid of them already your closet is ridiculous. Would you get rid of your favorite piece of artwork on your wall? Your Picasso is just sitting there on the wall, serving no purpose! I keep them because they are beautiful and they make me happy. BESIDES, I might wear them some day!

Ok, more importantly, I never get too fat, skinny, short, tall, old, or out of shape for my shoes. They are always the same size. If I’m pregnant, I wear the same size. If I gain 10 lbs, I wear the same size. If I lose 30, you got it! I wear the same size. And no matter what happens to me, they always look the same on my foot. They don’t get too tight or too lose. They are timeless. If they go out of style, wait a decade or two, they’ll come back. When I put on my favorite pair of jeans, they fit. That is why they are my favorite. They look good on the body I have today. But a year ago, I had a different favorite pair, two sizes bigger. Those are now donated-thrown-away-sold-just gotten rid of already. When I go into a department store, I try on clothes. By the end of the trip, I hate myself (because the mirrors in department stores are evil masters of self judgement). I imagine that the beautiful and stylish (yet practical of course) dress that I see hanging on the hanger will make me look like a supermodel when I put it on my body. It doesn’t. It put it back on the rack and head for the shoes. Those beautiful, stylish (yet practical of course) shoes on the shelf look exactly the same on my foot as they did on the shelf. They do not lie, deceive or otherwise manipulate. They don’t look better on a supermodel. No, they just are.

Now, speaking of the god-awful mirror in the department store, we come to reason number 3. Listen, I’m short. Ok, I’m average, but for my WNBA dreams, I am short. I prefer to tower. I demand to have a presence. Enter platform heels. I got this! What else besides Stretch Armstrong or Go Go Gadget Legs can make me suddenly go to a frumpy 5’5” to a dazzling 5’10”? My fiance is 5’10”. OOPS! I need to go back down. Ok, flats. Damn, those great jeans I want that are on the 70% off rack are only in petite and long. NO SWEAT. Heels or boots, ladies? Petite or long! Shoes solve problems, people! Shoes save you money! They are like your own personal orthopedist/plastic surgeon with glitter or buckles! They make things happen that normally wouldn’t like suddenly being able to wear a jean that’s 3 inches too long without looking like one of the 7 dwarfs.

One more thing. I love to look at a ball gown or a cocktail dress. But since I am not Cinderella and I’ve never had an invitation to the ball, what could I possibly do with a ball gown? But, a glass slipper? Yes, yes I can! I can wear that to work with a pair of jeans! I can go out to the grocery store in my highest heels with the most sparkle, and no one thinks twice. Try that in a ball gown, brothers and sisters! (And if you’re a brother and try that, please send me pictures.) I can take a plain pair of jeans and a black T-shirt and make it FABULOUS with a pair of leather studded wedges. I can take the most boring black dress and make it edgy with a pair of fur boots or a fishnet bootie. There are no limits. I can wear every pair of shoes in my closet to work any given day. I can’t say that about every item of clothing. Shoes. They know no limits.

When I was asked what I wanted for Christmas, I ran through a mental list of anything I might actually need and came up with nothing. I then opted to ask for shoes. I was told I had too many shoes and they (collectively) told me that they refused to buy me more shoes for Christmas. Well, I normally buy people things they collect for gifts. It’s the first thing that came to mind. So my answer: “I am certain that I have more shoes than you have of anything you collect. That is what I collect. Shoes.” I, in fact, got a great pair of Jennifer Lopez chunk heel boots under the tree. Thank you, logic. Thank you.

In conclusion: SHOES! (And OMG! Do you see that pair of Louboutins in my picture! SWOON!)