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Space Lingerie For Moon Travelers

Updated on May 6, 2010

I like to be forward thinking in my life, and part of that forward thinking is anticipating the needs of humanity as we travel towards the year 3000. Sure, 3000 seems like a long way away now, and the fact that we'll all be long dead and forgotten by then could be interpreted as somewhat depressing, but I say that's all the more reason to bring the year 3000 into the present day by pretending that we all live in space colonies because Dick Cheney grew roots and spread o'er the Earth, choking out all sentient life.

So then, space panties. What will they be like? For starters, they will most certainly be metallic. Space panties will not only need to be comfortable over long voyages that could last several light years, they need to be able to reflect dangerous space rays that could cause mutations of the human genome. There's no point surviving until the year 3000 if we're all going to end up looking like cats. (It is a fundamental universal rule that all life will eventually descend to the kitty level.) We can't afford to all mutate into cats because there simply aren't enough linen cupboards with hot water cylinders in them in the universe to accommodate use all.

So, space lingerie will definitely be metallic. It will not, on the other hand, be skimpy. When you're facing the great void of the unknown, you want to be well covered. I believe that corsets and other body covering styles of lingerie will be in fashion. When you leap into hyperspace, you want to be able to keep your internal organs neatly in place, and a corset is perfect for that sort of thing, as long as you don't lace it too tight and force your intestines into your neck.

If futurists are to be believed, space lingerie will also be fitted with a wide range of unnecessary and inconvenient bits and pieces that will stick out annoyingly and get trapped in air locks. Although they will cause several deaths, we'll still wear them, because weirdly angular clothing will be very popular amongst space travelers, who will consider themselves inherently better than those poor sods stuck on Earth's moon, raising pigs to supply the Universe with all the bacon it needs.

Metallic lingerie will also double as a cooking surface, and will wipe (or lick) clean of bacon grease quickly and easily. In fact, metallic lingerie may one day be our clothing, our cooking range, and our utensils.

Why not start stock piling scraps of metallic fabric now? Future generations will be sure to thank you.


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      8 years ago

      Great read! Enjoyed it reading it so much! Thinking about metallic underwear makes my bum feel weird.


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