Top Fashion Trends for the Mentally Deranged
Are you sick of blue jeans, collared shirts, and all the traditional BLAH that fills your closet? Maybe it’s time to take a clue from the mentally ill. Here are some suggestions that will liven up your wardrobe, and may even get you locked up.
Pajamas all the Time!
Pajamas are generally considered sleepwear. This is ridiculous. Pajamas are easily the most comfortable clothing we own. So why shouldn’t you wear them 24 hours a day? Wear your pajamas to work, school, or to a loved one's funeral! Hot date this Friday night? Why not wear your PJ’s? This will casually communicate to your date that you are laid-back and low-maintenance. Most likely, they will regret not wearing their pajamas as well.
Peanut Butter Suit!
Why wear a traditional suit, when you can lather yourself in gooey, sticky peanut butter, for a fraction of the cost? No need for pockets, just wedge your wallet betwixt your delicious edible fabric. Forget dry cleaning, all you need is a powerful hose and a friend. If you don’t have a friend, imagine one and maybe they will become real! Make sure to bring crackers along, so you can eat your suit when you get the munchies. Just make sure not to eat your skin!
Inflatable Dinosaur Belt!
All you need is an inflatable dinosaur, and voila, instant belt! Simply wrap the dinosaur around your midsection. Now your pants will stay up and everyone will be jealous of you.
Most people wear hats on their heads. Why not wear your hats on your feet? Hats are often cheaper than shoes, without the nuisance of tying laces. Foot hats can be worn either underneath or on top of the foot. I recommend “on top,” because your feet deserve to be fancy for a night on the town.
The proper dresses are usually only available during Halloween time, but it’s worth the wait if you can’t afford to have it custom made. The easy part is picking your favorite Disney Princess and dressing like them every single day. The tricky part is remembering to answer only to her name, and to take on all her mannerisms. When you begin to lose touch with reality, you’ll know you are doing this one right.
(contains some adult language)
Endangered Animal Fur!
Nothing says “I have lots of money and no regard for my fellow creatures,” like some nice, lustrous pants made of silky panda fur. For extra “wow,” make sure to special order a pair that incorporates the beast’s head, preferably with a surprised look on it’s face. The expression should properly communicate the thought “I’m this guy’s pants!”
Nipple Tassel Hula skirt!
This one is appropriate for a luau, family reunion, or ritual sacrifice ceremony. Merely tie long strands of grass to your store-bought nipple tassels. This look allows for great ease of movement and serves as an excellent conversation piece. “Is that a hula skirt hanging from your, uh, nipple tassels there?” people will ask you, burning with intolerable jealousy. “Yes, yes, it is,” you will tell them, as they bask in the glow of your magnificence.
This one requires a little cooperation from kitty, or the use of a mild sedative. Simply place your cat on top of your head, directly following the application of some industrial grade adhesive. You are now wearing a cat hat! This look is ideal for the woman on the go who doesn’t place much importance on not having her eyes scratched violently out of their sockets.
The Emperor’s New Clothes!
You know you’ve always wanted to attend a sacred religious function wearing nothing but your smile and the admiration of all your friends and family. Why wait? Going naked will send the message to those who frequent your place of worship that you are committed to the ideals of that institution, especially those ideals that involve being completely buck-ass naked among friends and strangers on one of the year’s most holy days.
Remember, it’s not what you wear that makes you unique, it’s how you wear it! If most people wear their socks on their feet, you can wear them on your tongue. Also, don’t forget to be creative: a thorn bush may just be a thorn bush, but it can also be your new bathing suit!
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