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Unless You Look Like The Guys In The Tour de France, Please Don’t Wear Their Pants

Updated on July 30, 2009


So there I was, going into the Whole Foods when I noticed a guy getting off of his bike. The guy had to be at least 6’4” and from the back I could see that he had the biker shorts on and the tight spandexey shirt with no sleeves…a matching outfit. Then he turned around. I kid you not when I tell you that his gut was protruding as much as I am tall (so that’s about 5’5”…well, okay really 5’4” but I like to give myself an extra inch every once in a while wherever needed). Unless you look like the guys in the Tour de France, please don’t wear their pants! – Don’t Get Me Started!

Everyone should know at this point that spandex is a privilege not a right. Just because they make it doesn’t mean that you can wear it and please don’t tell me that I’m being judgmental when I’m just making sense. It’s unfair to make the public look at your junk all pushed to one side in the front of your shorts while in the back your cottage cheese can be seen underneath the fabric worn thin and shiny from your thighs rubbing together. Honestly, do you really think you look good or are you just mentally insane? I would like to start giving out fashion decency citations to these people who insist on showing us more of themselves than the law should allow. And please remember spandex inclined folk, that spandex clings so it’s basically like not wearing anything at all.

As I went through the store I wondered how I would look at food when the image in my head was 6’4” of retina burning, stomach wrenching spandex wearing gut. As someone who is in the battle of the bulge at the moment myself (with their fattitude attacking them), the last thing you want to see is someone else who is losing the battle and flaunting it for all to see.

When I got to the checkout stand, lucky me, I ended up right behind him. There he was and I could get a really good look at him. No wonder he wasn’t wearing a helmet, his hair was done into a hairdon’t  from the “dry look” days of hair and frosted more than if he was a Kellogg’s Frosted Flake! And as I took the whole picture in I could see that there was way too much going on here for a layman and that instead of a citation he probably needed to see a therapist for his delusions of spandex wearing capability. He was overly tan (and not from riding the bike but from riding a tanning bed), and he had one of those hoop earrings in the top part of his ear. As I looked at his fake blue contacted eyes I noticed the crow’s feet and even with the non-moving botoxed forehead the guy had to be at least in his mid-fifties. Next up was the “tribal” tattoo on the upper right arm. It was stretched almost as much as the spandex around his gut as the sleeveless holes of spandex strained to decide whether to suck the fat under the armpit of the shirt fabric or just let it fall outside like an additional breast under his arm (sort of like not knowing whether Santa sleeps with his beard under or over the covers – the fabric had no idea what to do). From there I saw the HUGE sterling silver ring on the hand and the big silver cuff bracelet. As his limp wrist handed the cashier a twenty for his small box of salad I thought to myself, “Oh my God, this is the attack of the 60 foot Faggot! Run for your lives everyone before he colors your hair, throws out your throw pillows replacing them with scarves over bunting or tries to start moving your furniture. Run everyone, save yourselves, run dammit…we’re under attack!!!”

Here’s the deal about clothing people, if you’re smart you’ll wear the things that look (as they used to say back in the day) smart on you. If you’re carrying that extra thousand pounds then you want to allow the spandex to go to the back of your drawer creating a sort of cushy buffer for the clothes you SHOULD be wearing toward the front of the drawer. Just because the spandex is black doesn’t mean that we can’t tell if you’re circumcised or not thanks to the tightness of the fabric and your lack of understanding undergarments. (And if God granted you a big dick this is the last fabric you want to wear out in public where there are children and non-gays lurking about. Save that for Fire Island or your next gay cruise when you’re cruising.) Do yourself and the world around you a favor, before you leave your home go to that full length mirror that rarely gets used. It’s like when you were in driving class in school, I want you to look right, look left, look behind you and proceed with caution when it’s safe. If it makes you cringe imagine what it will do to the rest of us who don’t know you and have no reason to be polite to you? Wear things that flatter and not make you look fatter. And know this simple rule boys, unless you look like the guys in the Tour de France, please don’t wear their pants! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • Ivan the Terrible profile image

      Ivan the Terrible 8 years ago from Madrid

      I wouldn't think of it! But the ladies and men who like men do go crazy when they pass by on the bicycles! We have an entire "cheer squad" made up of cross-dressers and drag queens in Barcelona! They go to the tour path in the mountains and cheer the boys on. Fun to see, and fun to cheer along!

    • profile image

      pgrundy 8 years ago

      In the city where I currently live EVERYONE who rides a bike has the full outfit and the outer space helment--the whole nine yards. I have never seen a person on a bike here with a spare ounce of fat.

      In the city where I lived before I moved here, the only people on bikes were people who had their driver's license revoked for drugs or alcohol, so you just had to be wearing clothes of some sort--they didn't have to even be clean let alone get you into the Tour de France. I am 56 and pudgy in the middle. I can never ride a bike here. Never. It's very sad.