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Want To Wear Panties and Dresses But The Wife Says No?

Updated on October 21, 2009

“I want to wear panties but... my wife / my kids / my job etc.” This statement is very common, and its a subset of a group of statements which fall under the umbrella of 'I would X if only it weren't for Y.' Whilst I have a great deal of sympathy for men who find themselves with close minded partners, I must also be aware that for whatever reason (and one assumes it wasn't a shotgun to the head,) that these men chose to marry or enter into comitted relationships with these women.

The same go for concerns about children. Children don't materialize out of thin air. You have to quite deliberately engage in an act which brings them about. (Having said that however, I don't honestly see what the fact that you have children has to do with your desire to wear women's clothing. You don't have to wear it in front of them if you don't want to.)

The important thing to realize is that you created the situation you find yourself in. That's not intended to be a statement of blame, rather it is a statement of fact. It is intended to remind you not to be bitter towards the innocents in your life who had no idea about your desires when they embarked upon your life journey with you. When you make decisions from a place of clarity, you make better decisions and you can execute them with less bitterness and acrimony.

Of course, in all this is the reality that people change. What was once a minor wifely flaw of inflexibility regarding dress can grow to be a problem of mammoth proportions twenty years down the track. In that case, you have the same sort of problem that any couple who are growing apart faces, and the same solution applies. You can either come together as the 'new' people you have now become, or you can go your separate ways.

Life has many paths, and most of us choose the path of least resistance. It's easy and comfortable and it has many benefits associated with it. But there are those parts of ourselves which want to push beyond the comfort zone. That want to test, expand and break boundaries. These are the parts of ourselves which want to grow, and conflict between the parts of ourselves which want to grow and expand and those other parts of ourselves which want to remain comfortable and stable can cause great anguish for many people, including, but not limited to those men who want to wear women's clothing.

A great deal of focus tends to fall on the issue at hand, ie, the panties or the dresses or whatever your particular poison is, but the reality of the issue is, its not actually about the object, what it is really about is the desire to do more and be more. If your partner objects, it may be because of what your desire represents. If you've been 'John' for twenty years, she may not want to meet Julie. That is the fearful element in her personality expressing itself.

As I said before, you can choose to leave a marriage or partnership because you want to evolve in your life, you can attempt to bring your partner along on the great journey, you can lead a double life in which you indulge your desires, or you can tuck your dreams away until such time as one of you dies. Each of these options brings with it its own joys, its own sorrows and its own tribulations.

As a woman, I fail to understand how some women think they have the right to tell their husbands what to wear. I see no reason why a man cannot say, 'Darling, I love lingerie and I am going to be wearing it from now on. I'd love to share it with you.' If a woman becomes angry, abusive or disrespectful then she doesn't really respect you or your relationship. End of story. That's not to say you can't or shouldn't compromise sometimes, but compromise doesn't mean that you don't get to have what you want in your life.

However, if you are contemplating a more serious lifestyle change, ie, if you want to become a woman yourself, then that is different. In those cases you are essentially 'killing' the man she married, and you can expect her to grieve and feel sorrow.

This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself. Do you like a little lingerie? Or are your feelings deeper? Should you be finding a mate who enjoys lingerie with you, or one who dreams of Dr Frankenfurter? Honesty with yourself leads to honesty with others and increased happiness all round.

So if you're currently facing a dilemma of this nature, start by ascertaining what it really is you want in your life, then go forth and be honest about it. Bring people in, don't shut them out. Allay their fears, don't create them. You might just be able to have your cake and eat it too, but you have to know what cake it is you want first.


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    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I had told my wife that I liked the way womens panties feel, but I did not tell her that I wanted to wear them all of the time. I came to wanting to do this just recently after having been married for 17 years. I got small signs that I thought she knew and was alright with it, but after she saw a whole drawer of panties, she was downright mad. She asked me if I was wearing them right then, as I had just got home from work, and when I said yes, she went ballistic. She asked if I was gay, then started looking at things that could be wrong with me, ie. male menopause. I took all of the panties out, except for black ones, that might not be construed as panties. I really do want to wear panties and I just can't seem to get it out of my head. I wish she would come around to accept my wanting this. She is afraid it will cost me my job if anyone finds out. I tried to tell her that there is no way, but she doesn't believe it. I have gotten a couple pairs of women shorts that I wear and she doesn't say anything about. She also painted my toenails a mauve color and that doesn't bother her too that a sign if I don't push things too much that she may come around? I don't want to go out in public all done out to the nines in womenswear, just panties and maybe some lingerie.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I found the answer to the question:

      Four days ago when I woke up I would have told you my wife would not like me to ever wear a dress. Three days later, after scouring the internet, we finalized the measurements and ordered what, as far as we can tell, must be the finest satin, midcalf length, sissy maid's dress money can buy along with matching double-layer satin panties, bra, camisole, petticoats, suspender belt from along with velvet pumps.

      Hope, look at your last paragraph. I did what you said and brought her in. I'm a 100% heterosexual guy who likes guy things: sports, fishing, camping, working in the yard, that sort of thing. She understands that and also that I also have an appreciation for finer things, such as smooth and soft lingerie. The thing is, I've absolutely never been one to help out around the house. I don't know anything about doing laundry, running the dishwasher, etc. I'm more likely to be vegging out on the computer or watching tv while she does housework. Yes, it's been unfair and I feel bad about it.

      I heard her tell someone four mornings ago while we were on a trip that she was going to ask the cleaning lady to come back for a few hours each week. Later on in our hotel room while drifting off for our afternoon nap (there's no need to mention the pink nightgown and panties I was in), I told her we could save lots of money over the long run, and lots of time of her own, if I did the cleaning lady's work and most all of hers, but only if I could have a couple or three really nice, top of the line maid's dresses along with matching lingerie and shoes. I was expecting a "well, we'll see" type of answer, or maybe a konk on the head, but she asked me instead if I would do all three floors. When I told her I would, her answer was "oh, heck yes!!!" My head is still swimming days later.

      Our love has only grown for over twenty years. We accept each other as is. When it comes to having our cake and eating it, too, I suppose my goal is to do such a fine job and give her such an amount of leisure that I'm hearing a few times each week "Niqqi, I need you to put on your dress and do what I have on this list".

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Is it a truism that wives who are okay with the husband wearing panties, slips and the like around the house when they are alone together are also okay with them wearing dresses? I'm wondering if wives tend to view it all the same or not. That is, if lingerie is ok, a dress is not a big deal.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Hmm I think I'll show this one to my wife. We're having trouble choosing a cake.

    • travel_man1971 profile image

      Ireno Alcala 

      9 years ago from Bicol, Philippines

      You really hit me, Hope (haha). My girlfriend-fiancee don't want me to wear her panties whenever I go working abroad. She will always say, what if the other men discover? I said to her, even the married ones are doing it, why can't I?

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      9 years ago

      I try :)

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Good advise Hope. Some of your other hubs also help with this potentially hard situation. You're very good to us boys aren't you :)


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