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Where's my Hair

Updated on May 23, 2012

Hair Loss

You’ve dreaded the moment all your life, staring into the bathroom mirror and the head staring back is, somehow, different, it has an adornment, something smooth and shiny; why, it’s almost as if someone has taken a duster and given your head a good polish. There is still hair there you tell yourself, but with little conviction, it is so thin that the bathroom light reflects back through the whisps like a mini sun.

Don’t panic, ever since hair was invented, mankind has sought the secret of keeping it where it belongs; someone must have cracked it.

The Egyptians must be a good start, they were a bright lot, well, they built the pyramids, that has to be clever. Rancid animal fat from fox and bear, mixed with powdered burnt mice, ground horse-teeth, and deer marrow, all slowly simmered and mixed, then cooled in a jar to make a massage paste to be applied every morning to the scalp. No, what do you mean, you’re not going to stink of fox or bear, or any of the other stuff for that matter; that was a present from Cleopatra to Julius Caesar, so you think you’re better than them?

All right, the ancient Greeks then, wear an ivy wreath; no, you won’t look like a twit, all right, you will, but it has benefits, it increases your desire for wine, women, and song. No.

Yarrow leaves, they’re good, rub the bald patch every morning with the leaves, it doesn’t cause more hair to grow but it stops further loss. Maybe. Then shove the leaves up your nose, sorry, that’s for nosebleeds. It’s watercress or nasturtium up the nose to combat hair loss, or the favourite of Apuleius, the 2nd century Roman writer, he swore by cyclamen leaves up the hooter. No.

Pigeon droppings? No.

Any other animal droppings, a cowpat wrapped in your hanky and tied to the head? No.

Massaging the scalp with a daffodil bulb cut in half then smearing the abraded bit with goose dung? No.

Nettle steeped in vodka then massaged in? No.

One last chance, this is from the well known psychic, Edgar Cayce, massage the scalp with pure crude oil two or three times a month, rinse with a grain alcohol, and then apply a petroleum jelly massage. No, no, no.

There’s no pleasing you so it’s got to be the modern stuff from hair care clinics then; where’s the adventure in that?

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    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      6 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for tthe visit and coment travelsee, I'll put that one in my records.

      bestt

      Mick

    • travelsee profile image

      Ohh Betty 

      6 years ago

      My grandparents used to claim that wearing a plastic bag filled with horse manure on your head whilst sleeping would stimulate hair growth!

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      6 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment VT

      best

      Mick

    • Virtual Treasures profile image

      Kacie Turner 

      6 years ago from Michigan

      Love this! Funny, refreshing read. I needed that!

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      6 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visitt an comment Tonipet.

      best

      Mick

    • Tonipet profile image

      Tonette Fornillos 

      6 years ago from The City of Generals

      Amusing and loved it MickS. Men should read this, they don't only get the most valuable tips but all the reason to be proud of whatever is left, at least, it's still hair, lol. I have to read about watercress:=) I'm voting up and across! Thank you.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      6 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit an comment gabgirl12.

      Mmmm, mustard seed that'll go in my collection.

      best

      Mick

    • gabgirl12 profile image

      gabgirl12 

      6 years ago

      It seems so tongue n cheek for some reason. Or maybe I'm too serious? Very funny though. In India/Pakistan they use a smelly mustard seed oil and they always seem to have a full head of hair.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      6 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment Laura.

      best

      Mick

    • LauraGT profile image

      LauraGT 

      6 years ago from MA

      My husband started shaving his head a few years ago. He looks great, plus saves time and money. I'm A-OK with the bald look! :)

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      6 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment Rusti.

      best

      Mick

    • Rusti Mccollum profile image

      Ruth McCollum 

      6 years ago from Lake Oswego, Oregon

      I really loved this. You're very funny and I think it's gonna be alot of fun to follow you lol.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment Doc.

    • Dr irum profile image

      Dr irum 

      7 years ago

      Nice hub ,i really enjoyed reading your stuff .

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment knickers.

    • profile image

      theknickerlady 

      7 years ago

      I like the daffodil bulb, it made me wonder if it also works with tulips.Probably not but I really enjoyed the hub.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment Emmykate, it's a pity that the language that you have used has shown us even more of your low intelligence. You are underage for this site, to reveal that to everyone is very stupid.

    • profile image

      Emmykate 

      7 years ago

      MickS I did not ask of your opinion on my intelligence,if I did not ask keep your mouth shut...act as if you are a mature adult instead of trying to piss off a 13 year old,be the bigger person..."obviously your not very bright"

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visitmand comment Kosmo.

    • Kosmo profile image

      Kelley 

      7 years ago from California

      Yes, by all means, don't smear croc crap on your balding pate; istead, cover it with a hat or shave your head! Anything short of expensive measures, won't bring back your beloved head of hair. Later!

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment Deepak K

    • profile image

      deepakkumaarr 

      7 years ago

      Good Hub i like it

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment, W.K.

    • W. K. Hayes profile image

      Warren Keith Hayes 

      7 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina

      I really am interested in trying some of these tricks...on someone else LOL...Did they actually do that??? Great nad hilarious article.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment, Old E.

    • profile image

      Old Empresario 

      7 years ago

      Hey, I just tried the crude oil and petroleum jelly and my eye lashes just fell out. I came across a funny comment you made on a hub about Anglo Saxons and had to read one of your hubs. Pretty good.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment, Penny of H.

    • pennyofheaven profile image

      pennyofheaven 

      7 years ago from New Zealand

      You made me laugh big time! Too too funny. I don't think my mildly balding partner would appreciate me suggesting any of these remedies he might just lose more hair over the stress of wondering whether or not I will slip pigeon droppings into the shampoo! Thanks for the great hub!

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thamks for the visit and comment, Minne...

      I don't need to shave mine off, it's dissapearing so fast:-)

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 

      7 years ago from Minnesota

      You have a great sense of humour. Just know that most women like balding men. It is getting very trendy for men these days to shave their heads. I love it and think it makes men look so Masculine. HMMM??? Ever thought of shaving yours?

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment Kat, if the ol' man keeps on worrying, make him an Ivy leaf wreath to wear and grow nasturtiums in the garden to shove up his nose, that should sort him out:-)

    • Mom Kat profile image

      Mom Kat 

      7 years ago from USA

      My hubby is worried about his thinning hair. I just tell him I love him the way he is & not to worry so much - It makes him look more distinguished and as handsome as ever.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thankyou SweetSusie

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 

      7 years ago from Michigan

      Informative yet funny, Great Hub! I'll keep in mind to NOT shove Yarrow leaves up my nose!! voted up.... of course!

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thamks for the visit and comment Meow, hope it's useful:-)

    • meow48 profile image

      meow48 

      7 years ago from usa

      way too funny. ah, blame it on the mother's genes. My son of twenty has my premature grey hair starting, and when i told him he would look like his uncle when he hit forty, i thought he would faint. can't fix it. bald is beautiful. look at mr.clean, telly savalas, or that guy on that million dollar suitcase show... hee.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      7 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the fist Charles, glad you liked it.

    • Charles K. profile image

      Charles K. 

      7 years ago from United States

      This is a funny read. Thanks for the laughs. I'm still bald(ing) but I am smiling.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      8 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment, Story... glad you liked it.

    • Storytellersrus profile image

      Barbara 

      8 years ago from Stepping past clutter

      haha, I love this!!! What a great sense of humor you have. Tell you the truth, I like bald headed men and their bulging brains. But I find it interesting that all the ancient remedies (and even Cayce's) involved stinky and disgusting substances; no pain no gain began early. Also fascinating to discover Julius Ceasar was balding... you are in powerful company!

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      8 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit Dawn

    • dawnM profile image

      Dawn Michael 

      8 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

      interesting article, I found the hair fountain of youth for women, it's call pre-nautel pills, seems to have worked so far, not sure that it would work for men though.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      8 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      yep, Tony, it definitely is:-)

    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 

      8 years ago from South Africa

      Funny and useful. My hair is definitely thinning, though I doubt I would want to try to reverse this - I mean bald is beautiful, isn't it? LOL!

      Love and peace

      Tony

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      8 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment Paul, this is a rejig of an article that I had printed about 10 years ago.

      best

      Mick

    • Paul Kennedy profile image

      Paul Kennedy 

      8 years ago from New York

      That was a nice break. Snapped me back into reality.Your answer to my question drew me in. I'm happy to laugh about it. Though I suffer in silence. It will be so nice for the future generations when their heads are larger and green and no hair grows.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      8 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment.

      see, you should have read this first, saved all that time and money:-)

      best

      Mick

    • CASE1WORKER profile image

      CASE1WORKER 

      8 years ago from UNITED KINGDOM

      The egyptian cure looks the best- i mean, how does anyone know what we are buying in our so called modern treatments? mind you its easy for me to say, having just spent the morning in the hairdresser having my locks feted and cut

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      8 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Thanks for the visit and comment Ethel.

      best

      Mick

    • ethel smith profile image

      Eileen Kersey 

      8 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

      Entertaining but maybe not so for any bald readers lol. I had an old great aunt who swore by rubbing cold tea into her hair. Her hair was thin and wispy but she was 88. Mind you her hair looked in dreadful condition because of the tea.

    • MickS profile imageAUTHOR

      MickS 

      8 years ago from March, Cambridgeshire, England

      Watcha Lady,

      no sense of adventure that's your trouble:-) anyway, pigeon droppings are easy, just walk around Traf Square for half an hour

      best

      Mick

    • Lady_E profile image

      Elena 

      8 years ago from London, UK

      Pigeon droppings? Definitely no.

      I enjoyed reading the Hub. :)

    • GuideBringer12 profile image

      GuideBringer12 

      8 years ago

      Haha Nice man, thanks for the tips, well appreciated.

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