Where's my Hair
You’ve dreaded the moment all your life, staring into the bathroom mirror and the head staring back is, somehow, different, it has an adornment, something smooth and shiny; why, it’s almost as if someone has taken a duster and given your head a good polish. There is still hair there you tell yourself, but with little conviction, it is so thin that the bathroom light reflects back through the whisps like a mini sun.
Don’t panic, ever since hair was invented, mankind has sought the secret of keeping it where it belongs; someone must have cracked it.
The Egyptians must be a good start, they were a bright lot, well, they built the pyramids, that has to be clever. Rancid animal fat from fox and bear, mixed with powdered burnt mice, ground horse-teeth, and deer marrow, all slowly simmered and mixed, then cooled in a jar to make a massage paste to be applied every morning to the scalp. No, what do you mean, you’re not going to stink of fox or bear, or any of the other stuff for that matter; that was a present from Cleopatra to Julius Caesar, so you think you’re better than them?
All right, the ancient Greeks then, wear an ivy wreath; no, you won’t look like a twit, all right, you will, but it has benefits, it increases your desire for wine, women, and song. No.
Yarrow leaves, they’re good, rub the bald patch every morning with the leaves, it doesn’t cause more hair to grow but it stops further loss. Maybe. Then shove the leaves up your nose, sorry, that’s for nosebleeds. It’s watercress or nasturtium up the nose to combat hair loss, or the favourite of Apuleius, the 2nd century Roman writer, he swore by cyclamen leaves up the hooter. No.
Pigeon droppings? No.
Any other animal droppings, a cowpat wrapped in your hanky and tied to the head? No.
Massaging the scalp with a daffodil bulb cut in half then smearing the abraded bit with goose dung? No.
Nettle steeped in vodka then massaged in? No.
One last chance, this is from the well known psychic, Edgar Cayce, massage the scalp with pure crude oil two or three times a month, rinse with a grain alcohol, and then apply a petroleum jelly massage. No, no, no.
There’s no pleasing you so it’s got to be the modern stuff from hair care clinics then; where’s the adventure in that?