ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

White People Are Getting So Tan They Look Like Walking Slim Jims!

Updated on October 21, 2009


I get the whole liking the way you look with a “bit of color” as opposed to the pasty pallor normally reserved for our thoughts of the British and those who profess to be the healthiest of us, the Vegans (who always look like death warmed over to me with their sallow complexion and concave bodies). And when HD television came along I guess somewhere someone decided that anyone on television needed to be as orange as an Oompah Loompah (though I think everyone looks like freaks on television anymore with that orange base makeup but I guess once again, this cheese stands alone on this idea). But my concern is with the people who are addicted to tanning. We all know who they are and we all know at least one. There was a time when it was only for George Hamilton but now it’s apparently for anyone who wants to continually fry their skin over and over again. The only problem is that white people are getting so tan they look like walking Slim Jims! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I have a relative who is one of the walking Slim Jims, she has her own tanning bed and spends twenty minutes almost every other day in her own personal tanning bed. As she has been doing this for over twenty years I would say that she certainly has gotten her money’s worth but my concern is that her pancreas is now the same color of her skin, crispy oven baked chicken is what her skin looks like and it’s scary. Scarier than that is that she recently told me that she is going in for a spray tan next week. So that would be spraying some more tan color on top of her all ready really, really tan body. First of all I don’t know why anyone would want to do this when you’re all ready so tan and second I don’t know why these people think this makes them look more attractive?

I understand not being able to understand moderation and that we’re a society of addicted people whether it be addicted to drugs and alcohol or diet soda and tanning. We don’t seem to do very well at “enough” we always want MORE than enough. The problem is that when it comes to appearance we end up getting so addicted to looking someway that what we think makes us look better has in actuality made us our own freak show. If you inject that much fat from your ass into your lips, you look like a freak. If your boobs are now larger than two small children, you’ve gone too far. And if your skin looks like a Slim Jim, you’ve tanned too much and you need to just stop.

If you don’t know if you’ve gone too far, please feel free to send me a photo and I’ll let you know. But rest assured that this is not only the tanning people and plastic surgery people. If you have built up your body so much that your chest looks like the front of a Mack truck but have the calves and ankles of a fourteen year old girl (because in most cases you can only build up your calves so much) you have managed to make yourself so top heavy that you stand no chance of staying upright in a strong wind.

Hey, I’ve got enough low self esteem that if I gave it to them I could bring the Kardashians down to feeling like regular folks and while there are certainly things I’d like to change about myself, I realize that if I changed everything I wanted to change that I would no longer be me. I would not be a “Swan” as on the ill fated plastic surgery show that was on for a couple of seasons until they discovered that everyone ended up looking alike and they had created a group of Fembots with all the self esteem and none of the substance so the post surgery women had to move to Stepford Wifeland or something. If I were to get plastic surgery I would just look like another forty-something gay with no sense.

So while I’ve spent my time in the tanning bed as well as the spray tan room, I’ve always managed to stop myself before I became an Oompah Loompah because let’s face it, I’m short and if I got orange I’d only be some green hair and some overalls away from singing about snosberries. But to those of you who don’t seem to know when to stop, I’m begging you to please use your lifelines, phone a friend or ask the audience that walks by you every day. Sure most people suggest you stop so that you don’t get cancer, I just want you to stop because you white people are getting so tan you look like walking Slim Jims! – Don’t Get Me Started!

Read More Scott @


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Kelly Varela 7 years ago

      Walking slim jims? Haha that is hilarious! You are right.

    • Carmen Borthwick profile image

      Carmen Borthwick 8 years ago from Maple Ridge, B.C.

      Great hub, as usual. I wrote more, but it got lost and it is too late here to try and remember all I said. It had something to do with me going silver yadayadayada. Love ya