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You Need An Expensive Watch

Updated on September 4, 2011

Spend your money on a watch

Your cell phone, microwave, DVR, toaster, car, and pacemaker all have clocks. Ignore them. You need an expensive watch. You need a timekeeping device that clings to your wrist and costs more than your first house. No one will love you unless the cost of your watch rivals the GDP of an average European country. Mortgage your vacation home. Sink the money into a jewel-encrusted calculator affixed to your smoothly tanned forearm. It's all good.

Social pressures conspire to force otherwise sentient humans into emotional purchases. Neighbors, friends, and business associates judge us by our chronological accoutrement. Initial meetings are punctuated by a sly glance at the wrist: why do you think we shake hands? Climbing the ladder of business success becomes impossible without a watch subtly informing your peers that you have more dollars than sense.

You need this.
You need this.

Concord Crystale Ladies' Watch 18K White Gold and Pink Sapphire Silver Diamond

Nothing makes your wrist scream like a universe of pink sapphires glued to a bracelet and hooked to a tiny clock. Spending 36 months of pre-tax salary has never been so hideously easy. There are some diamonds too.

Order two: get one for each wrist to achieve a balanced look. Symmetrical ostentatious conspicuous consumption is all the rage.

The price? If you have to ask, you've already embarrassed yourself and your polo team. Loot your trust fund today.

Drain your bank account. Rolex makes it easy.
Drain your bank account. Rolex makes it easy.

Rolex Mens Yellow Gold Super President Champagne Dial Diamond Bezel

The President may not wear this watch, but you certainly can. it's so cool that the numbers are diamonds. The hands are diamonds, the stem is a diamond, and the case is a huge case-shaped diamond. Every 24 hours the date changes. The band has diamonds stuck in it. There's a border of special diamonds surrounding the watch face, which is also made of diamonds.

This watch comes with a free human who will look at it and tell you what time it is.

Your wrist will feel like a millionaire.
Your wrist will feel like a millionaire.

Chopard Women's 277480-1001 Happy Sport Diamond Gold Watch

No Starbucks barista can resist the urge to release an extra squirt of toffee nut syrup when the hand proffering payment is connected to a wrist sporting a Chopard Happy Sport watch. Or something like that.

Chopard uses diamonds the way McDonald's uses salt. Kick back and enjoy the admiration of your poker buddies as they gape in inevitable awe at what must be the most obviously ostentatious timekeeping device ever affixed to a human with a buckle.

This watch does so much more.
This watch does so much more.

Bulova Women's 98W04 Marine Star Diamond Chronograph Watch

Marines love expensive watches. Earnest enlistees long for the status afforded by a footlocker filled with jewel-encrusted timepieces. Your favorite recruit will complete basic training with skill and aplomb.

This amazing and amazingly expensive device does so much more than offer up the current time. An array of dials and gizmos serve up complementary timing data such as minutes and seconds. No one will ever be bored while standing at parade rest as long as they have this mechanical marvel to fidget with.

No one can resist a Joe Rodeo.
No one can resist a Joe Rodeo.

Joe Rodeo Watches: Joe Rodeo Junior 10.5.ct RJJU8

Imagine the envy and respect emitted by your friends when you stroll into the Senior Center adorned with a Joe Rodeo individually numbered and engraved wristwatch. They'll be talking about you behind your back for a long time. Joe Rodeo exemplifies the epitome of sparkling diamond-encrusted things that can be purchased for a lot of money.

This particular model offers 4 dials, 3 stems, and more diamonds than Elizabeth Taylor's will. Clamp it around your bony wrist for instant appendage status. Rocket your forearm into the upper stratosphere of dazzle. You will never be mistaken for a normal person ever again.

Comments

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    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      Nicomp,

      Times are tough!

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @ breakfastpop: only one?

      @ psychicdog.net: Hire me to carry it for you.

    • psychicdog.net profile image

      psychicdog.net 6 years ago

      A free six-foot tall safe - very hard to wear one of those - but what a fashion statement!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      Okay, I'll get one immediately.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj: and I was the first to comment on that hub! You inspired me.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      Now this is genuine BLING, nicomp - a wealth of watchmaking wonder. Long ago but not too far away I also wrote a hub - "The Most Complicated Watch in the World." So expensive it comes with a free six-foot-tall safe. True!

    • dahoglund profile image

      Don A. Hoglund 6 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

      I'm satisfied with my 20 year old twenty five dollor Timex.

    • psychicdog.net profile image

      psychicdog.net 6 years ago

      Funny my stars must be in watches because I keep coming across them lately - these are very expensive but they don't do much except make a statement of how wealthy one is if the person you are showing them off too believes the diamonds etc... are real - while you are on watches Nicomp check out the new ThinkGeek Bluetooth Caller Id watch!LOL It is a very useful little timepiece.

    • Rod Marsden profile image

      Rod Marsden 6 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

      Right now Jaye electricity bills bite like a S.O.B. Still it is amazing what some people can afford.

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 6 years ago from Deep South, USA

      What a fascinating hub! Those prices amaze me. It's fortunate I'm retired and rarely ever wear a watch any more. I can spend my pension money on un-cool things like mortgage payments and electricity without worrying about my image!

      Jaye

    • Rod Marsden profile image

      Rod Marsden 6 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

      There is a great movie out called Longitude. Getting latitude isn't that hard. A device that can work out accurately your latitude and longitude at sea was once worth a mint and rightly so. It saved lives. Knowing where you are in space and time was and is a good deal for sailors. Better than a wrist watch that only tells the time.

      The junk people buy. You don't have a Dick Tracy watch? A pity. I'll vote up anyway.

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