How to Keep Your Public Wedgie Private
Handle Your Public Wedgie with Grace and Poise
It happens to the best of us. You're out in public, looking sharp and feeling fabulous, when you realize that your underwear, and possibly your outerwear, have gone spelunking. You're surrounded by onlookers, with nary a bathroom nor stairwell in sight.
Fret not! Given some practice in a few key techniques and an air of careless confidence, your wedgie need not be a public affair. With a little cautious maneuvering, you can extract your impacted clothing before any eyes stray after it.
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The fine art of surreptitious wedgie extraction requires patience and a clear, confident mind. Should you realize you have a situation brewing down below while you are in public, remain calm. Before taking action, consider your surroundings and your position relative to any observers. These are the factors that will determine your best course of action.
Assess the Situation
Discreetly Check the Status of Your Pants
Perform a quick visibility check. Give the waistband of your pants or skirt a surreptitious tug. Do you feel a corresponding tug 'twixt the nether cheeks?
If not, it's likely that your underwear are the sole culprits in this unseemly episode. Relax, and deal with the problem at your leisure.
If your pants and your underwear are in it together, though, it's time to initiate emergency evacuation procedures. Remember to look relaxed and mildly distracted!
Ease into Position
A Wide Stance and a Little Dance
Casually widen your stance a little bit to create some "wiggle-room" between your thighs. Maintaining your slightly widened stance, rock up on the balls of your feet a few times, as though bored or lost in thought.
Underwear are tenacious invaders, and will probably not be dislodged by this maneuver. If your pants are only peripherally involved, though, you should feel them fall back into place. Once your outer garments have ceased their intrusion campaign, your wedgie is no longer public, and can be dealt with when the opportunity presents itself.
Attempt an End Run
Pockets can Help You Get a Grip on Your Wedgie
Attack your wedgie from the sides. Put both hands in your pockets and feel around for the elastic band of your underwear. Pinch the elastic and tug it toward the front of your body. This will pull your underwear tight across the back.
This maneuver probably won't fix your underwear wedgie, but it might cause the cave-dwelling portion of your undies to push back a little against your pants, popping them free.
Do not attempt this maneuver while under direct scrutiny. It will look like you're doing something much shadier than you really are.
Quick, Act Casual!!!
Cool, Confident, and Definitely Not Picking a Wedgie
If your wedgie has thus far resisted your attempts to dislodge it, it's time to try the seated extraction method. First, though, take a little break to let any attention you've attracted find a more suitable recipient.
If there is a chair or bench available, stroll over to it. Tighten your rump muscles against further invasion, and sit down. Rummage in your handbag or sit and watch the clouds for a moment. If you brought a book, good for you! Aside from their better-known array of virtues, books make excellent props for emergencies such as this.
Behind on Your Reading? - Take a Seat and Crack Open a Good Book
In the war against wedgies, as anywhere, knowledge is power. Unfortunately, most guides to etiquette and social decorum fail to cover certain real world scenarios that creep up on regular folk. Here are a few that really explore every nook and cranny of manners for indelicate situations.
Get a Little Shifty
Time to Create an Exit Path for Your Wedgie
Once you're sure that no curious soul is intently watching you, the seated extraction process can begin. Shifting all your weight onto one cheek, quickly lift the other cheek and then plop it down again. Repeat the process on the other side. This should spread the hemispheres of your tush, opening an exit route for your trespassing garments.
If there are casual observers about, a good stretch provides great cover for this step. Stretch to the right as you lift your left buttock, and to the left as you lift your right. Toss in a convincing yawn, and this should look completely natural.
All's Well That Ends Well
The Moment of Truth
Remembering to use your wide stance, stand up slowly. If all goes as it should, you'll feel your pants slip free when you're about a quarter of the way to a standing position.
Immediately tighten your reclaimed territory against renewed intrusion. Take several large, slightly bowlegged steps to shake everything back into place.
If this is not the first time you've experienced a public wedgie, it may be time to seek out less treacherous undergarments. Underwear that fits properly is less likely to forget its place.
Further Your Weducation - Wedgies on the Web
The wedgie problem has haunted humankind since the advent of clothing. Learn more about the history, causes, varieties, and prevention of wedgies with these great resources.
- What wedgie do you deserve?
Learn about your wedgie personality with this highly scientific quiz.
- The Definitive History of the Wedgie
A comprehensive history of the wedgie.
- Best Underwear For Exercisers
Learn how to ensure a wedgie-free workout with proper underwear selection.
- Wedgie Flash Cards
Struggling to properly master wedgie terminology? Here are some flash cards to help with your studies.
- The Definitive Guide To Buttocks
To understand why wedgies are so entertaining (when they happen to someone else) we must first understand the human fascination with our own bodacious backsides.
Have you used any of these techniques to deal discreetly with a public wedgie? Or are you a fan of the more straightforward "grab and yank" wedgie extraction method? Have a great wedgie story that "happened to a friend"? Here's the spot to publicly air your wedgie woes and victories!