Welcome to the World of Wacky Witches
Photo Insert Credit: Ren Wicks, ondiraiduveau at flickr.com
WHAT DO YOU CALL 13 WITCHES IN A HOT-TUB?
A self-cleaning coven naturally!
WITCHES RIDE BROOMS BECAUSE NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM! (Image Courtesy of Gillian Macleod@flickr.com)
WACKY WITCH QUOTES
"Witches from the East" (affectionately known as buxom babes on broomsticks) are in fact very wise and witty whizbang women.
These vixens of voodoo should not to however be confused with "witch doctors" who are magical male misfits (more often than not prone to prancing about and dispensing all manner of drivel such as "ooh eeh ooh ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang".
More importantly, the hilarious hags of the planet have nothing in common with "Wicked Witches of the West" (also known as big-mouth broads on bikes) who sport steel-toed army boots, spit tacks, boil and bake fillet of a fenny snake for breakfast, and eat toads not to mention mischievous munchkins for supper.
So, having sorted out which is "witch"...here are some words of wit and wisdom about those sassy she-devils and snickering sorceresses (the good ones naturally)!
"Ding Dong, the wicked witch is dead." (E.Y. Harburg, (1896-1981), American lyricist.
"What does a witch ask for when visiting a hotel? -- Broom service naturally!" (Anonymous)
"Why do witches fly on brooms? According to the Divas of Domesticity, vacuum cleaner cords aren't long enough!" (Anonymous)
"Why do witches wear name tags? --
So that they can tell witch is which stupid!" (Anonymous)
"What do witches put on their hair? -- Scare spray if you must know!" (Anonymous)
"Why don't angry witches ride their brooms? --
They're afraid of flying off the handle!" (Anonymous)
"What do you call a witch who hangs out at the beach? -- A sand-witch of course!" (Anonymous)
Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil." Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" (1911).
Image Credit: Wicked Witch Doorstopper novelty product - www.domestickgoddess.com
The Wicked Witch of Woo Wondered...
When she mixed the innocuous ingredients for "Love Potion Number Nine", she may have put in a titch too much testosterone.
Image Credit: -Illustration by Cheri Herouard - http://isthisthesink.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljf7q6wJoz1qe2kjwo1_500
Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought I was ugly until I saw you!
PUCKISH PAGAN POLL
If you had to choose a name for a pesky potioness, what would it be?
WISE WORDS FROM A WEIRD WITCH
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...he still wrong!
That wrinkle cream isn't worth a damn! (Illustration by riclov on flickr.com)
WHAT WINE DO WONKY WITCHES PREFER?
Well, while we're on the subject of parties and potions, let it be known that wacky witches and witty wenches enjoy a good glass of "grapes of wrath" every now and then.
This titillating tradition probably has a lot to do with a bit of not so humorous hag history. Back in the 16th century, wine that was ruined by overheating, or tainted by contaminants or ended up with fizz in the bottle was the fault of women.
Back in those days, malevolent males could simply pass the buck and blame the problem on the witches. It was commonly believed that after frolicking about at midnight Sabbath parties, witches had the nasty habit of pillaging a village's wine cellars and sullying the vats with their body fluids. This, needless to say, did nothing for a wine's bouquet. Thousands of women were burned at the stake for allegedly possessing evil powers. Regrettably however, the prevalence of wretched wine could neither be controlled or eliminated with such pathetic patriarchal pyrotechnics.
Today, the potty patriarchs have been put in their place, and now women can sit back and sip on some wonderful wine served at these sassy sorceress events.
The official broomstick brand is none other than Witches Brew Spiced Wine from Leelanau Cellars of Michigan. But for those who prefer an old vine from across the pond, it might be best to try Les Sorcieres du Clos des Fees (Cotes du Roussillon, 2005).
Image Credit: "Fabriniart" on flickr.com
Do vegetarian vixens eat animal crackers?
WHAT A WITCH WANTS
Witches, like women in general, are not difficult to please, all you have to do is turn their dreams into reality.
1. Forget about trying to convince her that kissing frogs or toads is an Olypmic Sport. (She's into skinny dipping ...although sometimes she'll make do with a handsome prince who's wearing a Speedo thank you.)
2. A bit of bling just might be her thing, (and no, that fake Gucci bag you had in mind for her birthday won't cut it, so try again!)
3. A rogue, rascal and rapscallion all rolled into one (preferably one who can ride a steed and sweep her off her feet but never forget to take her to out to the racetrack for some fun...no betting on Feedlebaum!)
4. A dragon-lady she can be at times but she doesn't appreciate a man who slays her with flowers (now a trip for two to Shangri-la, a bed of roses, a bottle of cold bubbly...well that's a whole different matter...and bring along your valid credit card with no spending limit!)
5. Ability to sing and/or dance is a definite must, (she can't countenance a knight-in-shining armour with two-left or one who croons off key...after all, making music and tripping the light fantastic are but two ways to tickle her fancy -- c'mon now, use your imagination for pity's sake.)
More to come ...she's giving this some serious thought!
Next time you wave at me, please use more than one finger!
Have you met the Swinging Sorceress? (Illustration by Martin Hsu)
LITTLE LINK LIST FOR MIRTH MAVENS
- ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK
A warm welcome for the Elvira - Mistress of Dark Humor!
- WITCH HAZEL
No it's not a humorous herb!
- THE SAND WITCH STORY
Forget about that carnivorous club sandwich, you're eating...try something different!
- GONE WITH THE WITCH
A nice introduction to the lady behind those sultry sorceress stories such as "Gone With the Witch", "Never Been Witched", and many more!
ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR "GRAPE LEMONACHES" AND "PICKLED PEANUT BUTTER BURGERS"? (Image credit: squeezymo
The Cackling Christmas Crone - Always relies on her trusty broomstick (not a red-nosed reindeer) to deliver all those great gifts to naughty girls!
Who says the Cackling Christmas Crone can't sing carols?
CACKLING CRONE CHRISTMAS STOCKING!
Those who wish to get on the good side of the Cackling Christmas Crone are advised to hang the appropriate footwear in the hope that she will leave something meaningful to engage and guide them for the rest of the year.
CACKLING CHRISTMAS CRONE'S GRUNGY GIFT TO BAD BOYS & GIRLS
This year the Santa's North Pole Factory and Expediting Service has contracted with the Cackling Christmas Crone to fill the stockings of all the naughty boys and girls with you guessed it ...lumps of coal!
'Twas the nightmare before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring ...not even a mouse. - Let's face it, they were all scared to death
Image Credit: deviantart.net - Nargles in the Mistletoe by Gonsalessman
BOISTEROUS BOOKS FOR BROOMSTICK-CHALLENGED BOOKWORMS
With heroine hags like Nanny Ogg, Granny Weatherwax and Magrat Garlick, who wouldn't have fun!
What's not to like about blundering babes on broomsticks...for those with fantasical funnybones!
Now with a lead character called Agnes Nutter (a wonky witch), and others foils like the Angel of the Bottomless Pit, a demon, the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse riding Harley motorbikes and an 11-year old Antichrist, you end up with an amusing tale of Armageddon gone wrong.
All about a Witch with an itch named Wanda and cat named "Charky" who go off the beaten track into a deep forest full of snickleberries.
This is bit of bosh is way better than a cooked goose!