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Top 10 Totally Useless iPhone Apps

Updated on May 7, 2012

Throughout the comparatively short time that comprises the iPhone's history, it has managed to amass roughly half a million apps in the iTunes App Store. Out of all these apps, there's bound to be at least one or two thousand that are somewhat less useful than average--perhaps even to the point of being total time wasters. To their credit, some of them are hilarious and could be worth a download just to amuse your friends. Here's a small sample from the stupid category.

1. Inap@Work

A recent study showed that it might be profitable for companies to allow its employees to take a short nap during work hours (making them more efficient in the long run and so on). My workplace still hasn't caught up with science, but there's an iPhone app that tries to solve the problem. By giving off various office-like sounds, it's supposed to distract from the fact that you're not actually working. I have a hard time seeing a single situation where it would work though, unless your boss is blind, has poor hearing and almost never talks to you.

2. iSteam

At least there's a fun idea behind this one--it imitates the effect of a steamy bathroom mirror. Blow into the microphone to create a steamy screen and then use the touch screen like you would your mirror. Amusing? Yes. Useful ? Most definitely not.

3. Taxi Hold'em

Thankfully this app is free, because all it does is display the word "TAXI" in large yellow letters on the screen. In other words, instead of just waving for a cab like a normal person, you now have to keep this app running on your iPhone while doing essentially the same thing.

4. CalmCandle

This app costs $5, and all it does is let you watch a video of a candle burning down very slowly. Supposedly it can be used for meditation, relaxation, or as a screensaver. What it really does is waste your battery life and five dollars.

5. Hair Clinic

Losing your hair can be a traumatic experience - especially if it's on your head. But thankfully there's a solution: "Hair Clinic sends out sounds at various inaudible frequencies that promotes the circulation around hair roots, providing them with nutrition normally" (short version). Priceless. It also has a feature that turns on the phone's built-in vibrator, letting you massage your scalp (or any place where you want to promote hair growth) to further increase your chances of a well-grown, lustrous mane.

6. FatBurner 2K

The FatBurner app has a similar approach to weight loss as Hair Clinic has to hair growth. Vibration is a method that has been used frequently by those who want to lose weight without actually doing any real workout. FatBurner 2K uses the same method: it turns on the iPhone's vibrator, and then you are supposed to strap it around your waist. At least this one doesn't take itself too seriously (it's filed under Entertainment).

7. iGirl

Here's a modern take on the Tamagotchi but aimed at tragically desperate and slightly perverted men. The iGirl is simply a female model that you can dress up in various outfits and customize in terms of hair color and skin tone. Before you head over to iTunes and download it straight away, here's a time saving tip: the app contains NO nudity.

8. Zips

I'll have to admit that Zips has the potential to be moderately entertaining once or twice. The app lets you unzip jeans to see what's hiding underneath the denim. A fun part is that you can use one of your own photos, so just use your imagination to come up with uses for this one.

9. Sexy Girl Talk: Sexy Alphabet

Haven't you always wished you could pay $2 to hear a sexy lady's voice read you the alphabet from A-Z through your iPhone? Didn't think so. This is all it does, so unless you have a severe learning disability or a thing for preschool teachers, I'd steer clear of this waste of time and money.

10. Poo Log

Of all the weird, useless and/or demented iPhone apps I've seen so far, this one is the winner. Poo Log does exactly what it says and lets you keep a diary of you bowel movements. All the "important data" you collect is visualized with nice-looking graphs in different shades of brown, and statistics are saved for future reference. An entertaining side note is that it's listed under Health and Fitness and not in the Entertainment category.

Comments

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    • profile image

      Drbanana 

      4 years ago

      Surprised ibeer is not on here

    • gazook profile imageAUTHOR

      gazook 

      7 years ago

      Thanks callisto! Yes it's really fascinating, in the wrong way :)

    • callisto123 profile image

      callisto123 

      7 years ago

      Amusing Hub! The candle app really makes me question humanity ;D

    • gazook profile imageAUTHOR

      gazook 

      8 years ago

      @rogerdv: my point exactly ;)

    • rogerdv profile image

      rogerdv 

      8 years ago

      Eh, what's the point of the girl if you cant watch here while she changes clothes?

    • gazook profile imageAUTHOR

      gazook 

      8 years ago

      Thanks! There are probably a dozen of these lists already, but I thought PooLog and HarClinic needed some extra attention =)

    • Epsilon5 profile image

      Epsilon5 

      8 years ago from Eastern Pennsylvania

      Very interesting hub; nice finds!

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